Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

I feel like this too and I'm on mat leave, so no job to fit in! Looking after baby and house takes up morning till night. DP comes in from work, spends most of night on his phone. He has a few chores like emptying dishwasher and some cooking but I do almost everything, and carry the mental load. He is desperate to be on the sofa as often as possible, meanwhile I'm doing the multiple tasks to keep life ticking over. And my baby also very much prefers me and cries most of the time when I am doing work in house and DP is in charge. Feel frazzled doing everything. I think lowering your standards is part of the answer and as someone else touched on, you do seem to be aiming for an unobtainable perfection. With all of the running around you are doing, you want to fit in squats at work toilet breaks? I would think hard about why you would even consider this - you can't be 100 % at every aspect of life. What would DH say if you spoke to him about this? He does sound a tad selfish...

I'm going to change to say eat your main hot meal at work. You should sleep better, because you won't be eating late in the day

Your life should be my nightmare. Too regimented.

I would stop all cooking in the evening the nights you are at work. Just have something small and you will save an hour there. Take a lunch break and eat your main meal then, tell dh to do the same. On your respective days off the person home cooks. Alternate cooking on the weekends also.... Then you yourself are only preparing 2 meals a week!

Stay up later. Silly to waste time sleeping if your ok on less.

I might have missed this but have you explained why your husband doesn't cook the evening meals while you're putting the toddler to bed?

I taught and had two young children and for a decade I was exhausted. Not an hour in the day when I couldn’t have slept round the clock. My DH was out commuting and working for twelve hours a day so I did everything for the children. When I woke on parents’ evening days my first thought would be that I would fall into bed sixteen hours later without having a single second to myself.

I had a cleaner who also did ironing for me.

I never cooked elaborate midweek meals. I did simple food for the children after their school day and something easy for DH and I to have when he got in. I used a mixture of ready meals and simple fare as I had to do things which would not spoil if the traffic delayed him.

I did have burnout and a breakdown though and had to retire early losing a quarter of my pension.

Your husband needs to pull his weight in the evening and he needs to eat what he’s given. If he’s not doing the cooking he doesn’t get to complain. Find some simpler, quicker meals. You mention pasta and stir fries not being good enough but we practically live off that kind of food during the week. Our schedule is almost identical to yours with our 2 year old. The difference is, I work 3 days and my husband works 4 days.

Could reducing your hours at work be an option?

My Dh is by no means a domestic god and we are far from equal in our household but from the start we always alternated doing bathtime and bedtime. I absolutely bloody refuse to do it (and then cook!) while he sits on his bum. That does not give us equal leisure time.

He has a young child. He has to be a hands on father. He should do bathtime and bedtime ALONE. If your child cries, I would recommend explaining ‘mummy has to run an errand but she will be back in time to kiss you goodnight ’ and then you leave the house physically and pop back to say goodnight. The more Dh and child bond, the less strange it is for the child to have someone else put him to bed.

Dh has got to drop his ridiculous food expectations. We prioritise healthy delicious food but that can include, at this bottleneck of our life, a weekly Cook dish, food (stews, bolognaise) that I have previously cooked and frozen, and quick 20min stir fries and pastas.

He is putting HIS quality of life over your mental health.

I appreciate it’s hard to change habits - we came close to divorce - but our discussions opened my Dh’s eyes to the fact that my life, my daily actions, had changed fundamentally whereas his had not changed any more than if we’d got a fish tank. That was unacceptable. Being a parent and working full time is busy, sometimes awful, always stretched, and both parents should be feeling the same pressure.

Your husband is the problem here

Your husband needs to cook the dinner, wash up tidy the kitchen some days. Why doesn't he do it on the days you work and you do it on your days at home ?

Suggest on your lunch break do something totally unrelated to your work or home life. So that you can enjoy the break. Breaks are also good for social networking, exercise, music, food etc

I've just read that you're TTC you need to sort this now because it will become 100 times worse with two children and a DH who gets away with living a life of Riley. You need to be firm and sort this ASAP.
Why do you want another child if you're struggling to cope as it is?
We have two children, work full time and share equally the division of responsibility in our house and even then it's a struggle sometimes!

My other suggestion at work & home is work smarter, not harder.

@tenderoni I'm a lone parent to small kids with a demanding full time job and I work less hard than you! Why? Because I don't have a man child demanding a 'proper dinner' when the kids are asleep.

When DH was alive he did bedtime while I cooked something simple, then he washed up.

FFS do not have another baby until your DH grows up

I’d agree with what most pp have said. Your DH sounds exactly like mine used to be and my life looked like yours. I did everything. I once told my DH if I died in the night he wouldn’t know where to find DCs clothes nor could he get them to nursery because he didn’t know where it was. Now DH cooks, clears up and makes effort to be home for bedtime. I have even been known to go away for a whole weekend (more than once) on my own (DC now 8&6).....but changing a DH isn’t an overnight fix....it’s taken years and almost ended our marriage. So, yes, he needs to change, but don’t expect him to wake up a different person on Monday if you have a chat with him over the weekend.

I also have a toddler. While I do pickup, DP comes straight home from work and starts cooking (sometimes I'll have put something in the slow cooker that morning and meals vary in their complexity, although 90% from scratch). We all sit down and have a family meal (DS will have had a meal at 4.30 so doesn't eat much now). Either myself or DP will then do bathtime, PJs, story etc and the other one of us will wash up, clean kitchen etc. We take turns with this depending on who has the most energy. I then feed DS and put him down. I'm usually done at 8pm. We then have 2 hours alone time before bed.

On my weekday off, I take care of cooking.

DP often has to work on at least half a weekend day, but I always try and squeeze in a few hours of "daddy/DS time" where he takes him out to the park and I can get on with whatever I need to in the house. We each get a lie in on a weekend day.

I havent RTFT but here are the things that leap out at me:

• Split the meal cooking. Your husband needs to do some too. He can do jacket potatoes with cheese or tuna mayo and salad if he can't cook elaborate stuff. It's still tasty and healthy.

• Eat dinner with your child. We do this - we all eat together at 5.30pm, sometimes earlier - and it makes a world of difference. It's also healthier for you and will mean your dinner has gone down enough by the time your child is in bed that you can do some exercise before bed. You might be less tired too because you will have given yourself an energy input with enough time to actually digest it!

• If your partner whines about the meal, he can do ALL the cooking for the next month. Honestly that would piss me off so much. Please don't put up with it.

• Batch cooking doesn't have to happen at a special time at the weekend.. The best way to do it is to double up what you are cooking at night. If I do a bean chilli or a curry or a stew or a Bolognese, I do double or even triple (!) and freeze the excess in portions. It doesn't take longer than chopping up a bit of extra veg.

• You need to have a lunch break at work. That would be a great time to exercise.

• You need to start telling your DP to take your child at the weekend. He's obviously not going to offer so just direct him! My husband and I do this with each other all the time, including in the evenings. We both feel the need for alone time so we accommodate one another as much as we can.

• Go to bed later sometimes if you want to! You don't have to go to bed at the same time as your partner!

I tend to do most of the cooking in my house because I'm quicker and less messy than DP, but I get him helping by chopping or stirring. You need to stop trying to be super woman and take a step back. Pass baby to hubby so he can do bath time while you cook or grab 15 minutes to yourself. He needs to step up a bit. My littlest is 3 and I've learned to say "nope, I'm not doing that" or "its you turn, I'm going for a long bath". Tiredness can play with your head so you need some you time before you blow

Hi OP, some of your post sounds familiar. We have an almost 2.5 year old and my husband and I both exhausted all the time!

You sound like you’re striving to be a good employee, mum and wife - but I think you’re neglecting yourself somewhat.

Your compressed hours sound draining. Could you maybe work one day or even a half day from home? I recently changed jobs to a new work place which allows for flexible and home working. That has been a game changer as I save so much time without the commute. Is there any scope for you to do that?

I also suspect you may be a bit like me with perfectionist tendencies/like to be in control - so you naturally pick up the slack on the work and home front. But something has to give for your sanity’s sake. Dare I say, lower your standards somewhere.

Ask your husband to take your son to the park/somewhere at the weekend and have a lie-in, bath, exercise - whatever you want - without any feelings of guilt. Self-care is important. As others have said, your husband can do the bath routine. Your needs are important. Your son will benefit from more time with his dad.

This sounds very like my life, except actually that you have more time to yourself!! I have 3 dc, two are at school and I warn you now, despite thinking it’ll be easier when they’re at school and older (less demanding), actually suddenly you have to cope with reading every night, spellings and homework, after school clubs, play dates....it becomes logistically harder. Oh and your evening gets shorter and shorter as they go to bed later. I gave up my career job, and now have one that fits in with school hours. But I finish work at 2:30 and then literally don’t sit down until 9pm as am feeding people, doing homework with them, getting them to activities, picking them up, making our dinner, refereeing arguments, bedtime x3...My DH is not home until 7:30pm so no help with much of it. But I have recently started going out for exercise a couple of times a week by handing over the last bit of bedtime routine to him and doing it before making our dinner. But I think you have to just accept it a bit. And try and take pleasure from some of the ‘tasks’. Like, I enjoy reading to the kids, doing bath time, I like to listen to podcasts while I cook, so that feels (a bit!) like time to myself that I can relax/enjoy even if i’m not sitting down watching tv...

OP it doesn't get easier. DH and I spend most evenings and weekends ferrying the kids to clubs, helping with homework, catching up on housework etc. I also work quite a bit in the evenings. We both work FT, get up at 6am, and on a good day get some downtime from 9pm-ish.
Get your 50/50 worked out with your DH NOW! It's the only way.

Also find timesavers - e,g. On really busy days have a cooked dinner at work (easy at an HEI), meaning you get a bit of a lunch break and then don't need to cook in the evening. And plus, the world won't end if you just have porridge or a sandwich for tea once in a while!

Your Husband is Neither a child or a God, tell him to shape up or do his own bloody dinner, washing, ironing etc Why do you allow him to behave like this ? Remember the old saying " you are only treated the way you ALLOW people to treat you.

How are you doing OP?

My life is v busy. I work full time in a demanding job and I sometimes carry on working when my two school-aged kids are in bed and do washing and housework in between - normally rushing around like a mad woman. I have no cleaner and would like to get one but never get chance! Feel like a hamster on a wheel. Other friends feel the same. I have made my husband step up more. He also works but helps pick up kids from school and has started to do more around the house and garden. That is the answer. Your husband needs to step up but I think you may have also accept being a working mum is manic. I also question if my life is the norm or is it me.

Oh yeah, and all the ferrying kids to clubs, friends and homework. Yep all that too. I end up doing work on my laptop whilst watching kids do their clubs in eve. I just keep doing the lottery. It’s my only hope.

Just a few points and observations. Do not beat yourself up that you have brought this on yourself. Other people say martyr, but from the sounds of it you are a very conscientious and caring human who just wants to do their best for child and partner. However, the balance just needs to be redressed, and you need to remember that your needs are every bit as important as your partners. I'm sure the imabalace hasn't been done out of malice, just that our generation didn't have the best role models. But we need to do better for our next generation! Your husband most probably does 100% more than his 'role model' did so he most probably doesn't see the issue as you didn't for a while. But this convo needs to be had. You are not also asking for change. You both need to facilitate change.

Me and my partner had the same situation at home. I was asahm for 5 years so naturally did the bulk of stuff. Which was fair as I had time out in the day whilst they were napping/ at nursery /school. But the division of labour didn't change when I went back to work! And we were both guilty of letting this happen. I became burnt out and resentful. Once he got over being defensive his natural reaction was that he wanted to do his fair share. The more you put in, the more you get out. Don't let your partner be a bit player in his family. He will feel better for it and it will benefit you all.

I find just a small recharge of the batteries can make an enormous difference and you need have at least 1 point every day where you get time to yourself. Preferably 2!

I'm a bit confused by your partner working part time yet you still doing the lions share of the evening stuff? Can he not meal prep during the day or do nursery pick ups?

If he can do nursery pick ups, it would allow you to work 30mins or an hour later and have a decent lunch break. This could form part of your protected adult rest time to recharge your batteries. Have coffee with a friend or do an exercise class. I know it's temping to want to get home earlier hit your only going home to do do more work in essence. You need that 30 mins/ hour both physically and emotionally.

In the evening, jobs need to be shared 50/50 or if your partner has extra time during the day as he works part time this should be a time where you can come home, have a play with gorgeous child and then dad does the bulk of the work. This is usually the split in families when one partner works longer hours.

There are loads of 5 minute veggie healthy from scratch recipes that can be prepared in the evening.

Bake some falafel, a ready made salad and ready bought flatbreads.

Dry fry halloumi, ready made salad and some nice bread.

Thai veg curry - frozen chopped onion, tin of coconut milk, Thai curry paste, bag of frozen chopped sweet potato. Either 2 minute rice noodles or rice takes 10 mins.

If you like cooking, prepping an evening meal could provide you with a bit of relaxation time in the middle of the evening chaos. Shut the kitchen door, glass of something cold, music on and take 30 mins to cook a 10 minute dish.

Nothing in your daily schedule is set in stone. Everything can be looked at to see whether it can be moved or changed to redress your day and make it less hectic.

Weekends should be totally split. One lay in a day each, 3 or 4 hours time out to pursue something meaningful. A bit of family time and each of you pulling your weight.

It's so easy to not be able to see the wood for the trees. Also to have unrealistic expectations on yourself. Why can't you cut your hours down. It would only be for 5 years or so whilst your kids are young. You have the rest of your life when your kids will want to be out with their friends to devote your life to your work. Enjoy these precious years. Take your foot of the pedal a bit. Life doesn't have to be so hard. You have choices. Especially if you want another child, you need to look after yourself. And in my experience it does get a whole lot easier. Good luck. X