Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

I would rethink trying to conceive another child until you have his sorted tbh

Oh god yes definitely dot have another baby while you're feeling like this.

Honestly there must be a good book or maybe a few therapy sessions to help you remember there are two of you in a marriage. It doesn’t seem to cross your mind that you could do anything that doesn’t suit your husband. Stay up? Well I could but I would have to go to bed in the spare room. You don’t even realise until people point it out that you could say I don’t feel like my 9pm bedtime tonight so you could stay up with me or off you pop to the spare room so you aren’t dosturbed. You don’t say but I assume your precious petal of a partner doesn’t spring up at 2am when ds is crying.

Given you are proceeding with ttc a second start out right this time. Make sure he regularly settles baby.
He needs to be bathing toddler and doing bedtime regularly now so toddler doesn’t feel abandoned when you are stuck feeding baby. He needs to be able to say I’ll take ds to the park for a few hours so you can nap with baby. If you are ttc you don’t necessarily have a lot of time so start fixing this so you can cope and your toddler doesn’t feel abandoned when you do have a second.

Has someone mentioned the MN rule of no one sits down til everything is done.
Seems a very simple rule that can't be argued with without sounding selfish.
GEt dH onto it.

I don’t think your life is actually that busy. I cram far more into mine but you’re probably feeling tired because everything you are doing is someone else’s whim and cooking twice in one evening after work is just a giant no no in my opinion.

Can you work in a way you all eat around 6 so you only need one meal a day?

Right, first off your DH needs to start taking over bath time. Make that 'their time' and your toddler will start finding his father easier to spend time with (and vice versa). There should never be an 'expectation' by the father that the mother 'deals with' the toddler. You are both his parents! If your son takes a few days/baths to get used to things being a bit different so be it, it won't hurt him and then you can be doing the dinner but without the hassle. And DO NOT interfere with lots of 'he likes it this way, do it that way'. Let them figure their own way out. Do not ask your DH to do this, say to him 'right I need you to bath him tonight' and leave out the towels and then leave them to it. The rest is just normal busy life I'm afraid. But stop doing it all. If you won't do that then nothing will change.

My apologies, I didn't really answer the question! I think there are lots of tweaks you can do to make your life easier. You are busy, but not insanely so.

Make one meal for dinner and eat it together. If your DH isn’t home he can re-heat in the microwave later. I normally freeze leftovers in little tubs for DD for when I am feeling lazy.

I signed my DD and DH up for baby swimming lessons on Saturday morning. Firstly, it makes him have some alone time with DD and secondly Do park run or a class

It’s OK to have a take away or lazy meal once a week.

Could DH do bath and bed whilst you cook/tidy/clean. On the nights you are doing bath and bed he can cook/tidy/clean

I agree with time, your H needs to bond and spend more time with your toddler before you conceive again. If the toddler goes to nursery what time do you pay up to? if you pick up early could you leave him to final picking up time once a week say, so you get a few hours alone?

Get a rota of afst meals an dput them on a 2 week rotation. If your H doesn't like it then tell him he can cook. You have made a rod for your own back. You need to stop being a martyr and claw back control, especially before number 2 comes along.

Good luckx

Obviously the decision to TTC is a very personal one but please don't underestimate how hard going from one to two DC can be. I certainly did!
If you're already feeling overwhelmed and your DH isn't pulling his weight now it will only get worse if you have another. Your DH needs to step up and ensure you get some time to yourself. He needs to put your DS to bed every other night (you can go for a run while he does this) and take him out for an hour at the weekend. You also need to take it in turns to cook, especially if he's going to be precious and demanding about meals. You both need equal free time at weekends, one takes DS out while the other spends a couple of hours relaxing, exercising or whatever. Until this is in place and has become part of your normal routine I wouldn't even think about adding another DC into the mix.

I felt I had a similar issue in the evenings as I love to do the bath and bedtime routine as I have a chance to spend time with my DS. I miss him so much I'm at work. My DH can't do bathtime due to his back.

My DH used to wait for me to finish with DS and I'd then start cooking. ( I said I liked doing that too!) He figured out pretty quickly that this meant we'd eat far too late. We gradually changed so DH cooks dinner or at least does all the preparation and he's learnt so many new recipes and actually enjoys it now. We also have a few more takeaways and pizza as well.

It's inevitable that you will feel knackered with a full time job, a toddler and not much wider family support. That's the nature of the beast. However, I'd agree with the tone of the thread that your evening situation is a problem and that your DH is taking the entire piss.

If you want to eat fresh each night, that's fine, but one of you should be doing the bedtime routine and one of you the cooking. And DH needs to learn how to do it because what happens if you're ill? You want another baby, you could easily end up with a week or two in hospital: not that unusual. Even if it's only one or two days, by making it just you, you're unfairly setting DS up for a more traumatic experience than necessary if he's only used to you putting him to bed. You may spend the evenings vomiting if you're TTC soon. Again, you want this sorting before that rears its ugly head.

You might decide to get DS used to DH being there at bedtime by taking a bit of time to both to bedtime routine together then eat something batch cooked or very quick afterwards. But put a time limit on it, because DH needs to learn.

I would also caution that this needs sorting before baby no 2. To some extent you can fly it by the seat of your pants when you only have one. The second child is where a lot of the resentment and divisions start to fester if you have a bloke who won't do his share and doesn't understand what that is.

I have similar with a shift working DH days and nights, and 3 kids I'm desperate for time to myself. I'm actually sat in my car out front of my house reading this and my toddler asleep in his car seat as I daren't risk my precious few minutes to myself by trying to move him

I have 4 kids and people say I don't know how you do it. They are generally people with 1/2 children and I always say when I had one or two everything was non stop, then when I had three I was crazy busy bit just in a different way but I wasn't working so I felt it was the same and so on. People with more kids who are working will not think you are busy, people without kids will wonder how you do it etc so it doesn't matter what people think, it's how you feel. If you feel youre too busy then you are plus the first child is a huge adjustment! You need to look at everything and figure out what can be changed. As people said you need to talk to your dh and ask him to help and you need to look at what can be changed with your job. You can't fit exercise in in the morning but if you section off time for it by telling your dh you need it it'll help you so much. Exercise is honestly a game changer.

The previous posters have it right about a more fair split over meals/childcare/housework, so I won’t go over that.
My toddler was full on and overwhelming and I only did 3 days after I had him and then left a nearly 5 year gap to have DS2.
I cannot imagine why TTC would seem a good idea with a full on toddler.
Slow down and enjoy life now. Life will be far worse and overwhelming with another baby on the scene.

I don't have kids, but am pretty busy, but thought I might comment on this:

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

I batch cook but it doesn't need to take hours. It might be the same meal and take the same time as the weekday meal, but it's done.

I do a couple of hours every few weeks, not every weekend. And it's useful for the times I am just wiped out/get in late/have a meeting late etc - rather than cook the whole week in one go every weekend.

But you can also over supply on the week nights you do cook - so do a chili, make double the amount, it's not as much as double the time, only a bit more, but freeze the leftovers (a chili with 6 portions doesn't take long, freeze four) or have them the next day.

Your DH needs to lower his expectations on dinner too - so you either have the same thing twice in a week (one being a reheat of the first), or you have two pasta nights a week where he does pasta with sauce and it takes ten minutes, or a stir fry etc.
He needs to step up on the food front.

Okay. Plan of action

1. Talk to DH. When I've spoken about this before, it's been in times when I've needed an immediate break, so probably not acknowledged that it's ongoing.

2. Take a lunch break.

3. Split bath and bedtime. I think the only way to do this is for me to go out - that's a good suggestion, thank you.

4. Find an exercise class or commit to a run during bedtime.

5. Insist on weekend time for me.

All of that would make a HUGE difference to how I feel.

A few of you have said about being a martyr, and I don't like it but I does reflect how I've been putting my needs last.

To be fair to my husband, I did forget to say that I do get a lie-in each weekend. And he has our son for a day a week and has had him on a couple of occasions I've been away with work. When I'm not around, they have no issues. And (though this doesn't actually sound great given the thread) he can cook. I'm better but he's fine, we've fallen into this assumption somehow that I do it, and I've been just getting on with it (hence the martyr being probably accurate despite making me uncomfortable to hear it).

It's really good to hear from academics too, thank you. I don't have much experience of jobs outside of academia which I'm sure bring many different pressures. It's validating to hear from others that the specific pressures of this work are likely to be adding to how fraught life can feel at times.

BTW I'm in awe of those of you who have equally or more busy lives and seem quite relaxed about it!

You've had lots of good advice.

I know you are still TTC #2 but I think this really needs resolving, especially before you go on another maternity leave. I suspect you being on maternity leave with DC1 was when all this stupidity over nice meals and you being the alpha parent began. It really needs to change now you're both working outside the home. It's not setting a good example to your son either - you're single handedly running the show while 'D'H swans about. If DS plays up for your DH at bedtime, take yourself out, DS won't have an audience and DH will have to get on with it.

If I'm reading right you possibly work more hours out of the home (your compressed full time vs DH's 4 days). I get that you're knackered but it's time to get firm and if that doesn't work, get angry.

What does DH do with DS on their day together? I suspect, like with so many shit men, childcaring is simultaneously so demanding that DH can't do anything else when he's looking after a toddler yet so easy that you can do everything else.

You are a mum now but you are a person too. It's ok to have needs and wants and to prioritise yourself sometimes.

Two things we do that you could implement right away:

We alternate bedtimes with ds. The person not doing bedtime puts dinner on ready to eat right after (unless they're out). DS prefers me to do bedtime but he knows me and daddy take turns and we've never backed down on that. I cook easy stuff whereas dh likes to cook properly but there's no reason that I or your dh can't stick some fish in tinfoil in the oven.

The other thing we do is have a weekend morning off each. I often go to parkrun on a saturday but if i'm knackered or unwell i stay in bed and they go out to softplay or whatever. He goes cycling. We meet up again at lunchtime and spend both the afternoons together. Unless we're away camping or something for the weekend in which case we'll both stll get a run or cycle alone.

You have a lot on, and your husband isn’t pulling his weight with your son - that’s the problem! He needs to cut he me time and start sharing it with you.

Why isn’t he at least prepping dinner while you’re putting toddler to bed?
Then you come down and either he has cooked and hands you dinner and a glass of wine or you finish off cooking together.

If he’s doing nothing productive and just waiting for you to cook for you both that’s bullshit.

cross posted while you were writing your intention to do just as a posted above - good.

Yy to everyone sits down when everything's done. Why on earth are you doing bedtime AND dinner? It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I dont find batch cooking takes double the time either. But if OP does, there are lots of other low effort options, even without going down the ready meal or takeaway route.

Things like salad with smoked mackerel, or cheese, or charcuterie. Omelettes. Bog standard beans on toast, egg on toast etc. Steak with steamed veggies, or a salad. Baked fish with same. Fresh pasta. Stir fry. These are all well under 30 minutes prep. It isnt reasonable for DH to be insisting on anything other than basic meals during the week when he's not the one preparing the food and is ducking out of the bedtime routine.

All this does get easier. I haven't read the other comments but think it would be good if you try to eat together a few times a week. Eat earlier and as a family then you don't have to cook twice.
Also definitely split the toddler work/house work. It shouldn't be all you. One entertains, the other cooks. Then one washes up while the other does bath and bed.
Good luck with it all. It sounds like your husband hasn't fully adjusted to family life really.