Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

We are past this stage now but I remember it was pretty exhausting! As others have said, the bath and bedtime needs to be 50/50 (if nothing else, much better to introduce this before you have another baby) and cooking needs to be shared on days you both work. Find an exercise class one evening a week and make it part of the routine. I actually found I was much better sticking to exercise when children were tiny as it was the only way I got time to myself!

BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner.

Why should your h have time to himself if you don't?

Loads of unfairnness here! Your toddler prefers you because you're doing the majority of looking after him! You need to nip all this in the bud. No wonder you're tired - you're basically on the go from 5.45am until 10pm. You'll burn out.

Your h needs to (1) do half the bedtimes. When it's his turn, go out! Go for a walk, get out of the house.
(2) get realistic about cooking. If you're doing bedtime, he cooks. He doesn't get to 'dip in and out'. What do you get to do that?

Bathtime will be tricky for a while until your ds realises that daddy can cope. If you're out of the house the first few nights, it will be easier. But it's worth a bit of short-term pain for the long-term gain...

Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week.

Do you get equal down time?

then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself.

Why? If you write all this down your h might see how unfair he's being and how much more you're doing than he is.

When we've tried it's pretty difficult because our son wants me, but I realise we're causing that situation ourselves by me always doing it!

Well, exactly. You need a rota whereby one of you cooks whilst the other puts your child to bed. It makes no sense whatsoever for one of you to sit around whilst the other does all the work.

You are doing a full-time job plus most childcare and cooking. Of course it's going to feel busy. You need to find some time for you and get DH to do more. I do most cooking in our house but I have given up cooking at the weekends. My DH is not a great cook so he tends to do one of the four dishes he can cook, or buy something in or get pizza. I don't care as long as I don't do it!

Also you need to look at doing less at work - you need a lunch break or you're going to burn out.

You mentioned you're an academic - does it not get any easier once term ends?

I think overall your husband needs to step up. You're the toddlers preference partly because you're there more for him. The way to rectify this is for your husband to step up and also do half the toddler chores so your toddler gets used to it.

You and your husband deserve equal downtime - it's not fair that he has time to go to the gym when you don't.

You need to go out of the house when your dh does bath/bed. It doesn't matter where. Then your toddler can't come to you. Whilst this is essential for you, let's not forget its pretty important for your husband and his son to forge a relationship too!

Of course your son wants you if you always do it - your DH needs to do more - end of!

Hi OP. I feel your pain. I also work in HE, and we have a 2 year old. I'm currently expecting our second child who is due in 6 weeks. My DH is probably more absent than yours as he works long hours and probably only makes it home for toddler bed time once or twice a week. We have an unspoken arrangement that I will make the dinner in the week and that it won't be the most exciting thing in the world. I cook from scratch as much as I can but often that just means a one pot rice dish with frozen veg, spag boll, pasta bake, etc. My DH doesn't complain about there being no elaborate meals, I think this is part of your problem here.

At the weekends I carve out alone time, we go out for a morning as a family (usually), then if we are at home in an afternoon we will each take an hour to take ourselves away with a book and rest. So for example I will take 3 til 4, DH will take 4-5 then we will both do wind down/toddler tea/toddler bed. Before I was heavily pregnant I also cycle on our indoor training bike, which is an hour, but DH also goes cycling 8 til 10am one weekend morning. I think it's about asking for more time to yourself, and trying to make that more equal. Toddler also needs to have one to one time with your DH, it would be easier perhaps if you weren't available at all (because you'd gone to the gym for an hour) so toddler can't see you as an option.

Toddler/mum/work life is very difficult tho and I fully sympathise.

Also you mentioned batch cooking doesn't work for you, but could you not try doubling the portions you cook? This way you cook 2 days worth of meals every other day so you have a fresh meal on Day 1 and leftovers on Day 2 (that's what I do!)

My DS (nearly 3) goes through phases of preferring me to his dad too, but DP and I still alternate bath/bedtime. We're the parents; we say what goes, and I want my son's relationship with his dad to be as close as possible. Not always easy, but at this point he now knows that "it's daddy's turn tonight" and that's how it's going to be.

I do think some dads use the 'my child only wants his mum' thing as an easy way out (though I do understand it must be a bit demoralising for them).

And obviously whoever isn't doing bedtime cooks supper. Fair division of labour! Particularly if your DH is fussy about what you have.

A couple of things stand out.

Your lack of lunch break is a huge one. Dh is the same, he's dreadful for not taking a break at lunch time unless I either phone him and nag or send him with a packed lunch. The days he takes a break/at least eats something he feels better...some days it feels like I have 3 kids not 2.

Not eating at the same time as your toddler. We all eat together because bed time for the kids means relaxing time for mummy & daddy and there is no way I'm spending it making daddy a delicious meal. I go running when they are in bed which is another reason why I prefer eating earlier plus that gives me my alone time. Your dh either needs to take on the bed time routine or cook whilst you do. Maybe not every night but at least some of the time.

How old is your toddler? I get ds to help me with batch cooking (he's 4 now but has been helping since 2 ish). I don't do it that often but he loves it when do we it and it ticks 2 boxes, we're doing an activity together and we're making it easier to make meals during the week which is great especially for when I have a committee meetings. Batch cooking in our house is more like making bulk sauces for pasta than the whole dish though.

I feel like I'm sinking most days but I'm technically a sahm although also studying for another university degree and I do a lot of voluntary work (sit on 3 committees one of which I chair amongst other things). Children seem to speed up time.

Being an academic is a demanding job these days with deadlines, funding demands and students in ever larger numbers. Stress is up, like all public sector workers.

So, I'm not surprised that you find getting up at 5.45 and working a whole academic day exhausting, then doing several hours of a childcare/cleaning/cooking shift later on. That later shift has to be easier on you, all of you- so pasta it is then! Or takeaway once a week, pizza another, and so forth.

The academic lifestyle of being immersed in your teaching/writing has so often been predicated on a male with a supportive part-time or SAH wife, it is no wonder that doing the 'double shift' as Doyal calls is, is wearing you out.

No, I don't think you can fit in exercise in here, you have a toddler, are trying for a baby, working in a very demanding job and have a husband who is a tad entitled and doesn't pull his weight at home, and even worse, you feel will criticize you if you relax your standards a bit.

In term time or when writing a book, my house is a shit tip! Food is whatever anyone can get done, quickly, or takeaway if we can't. Focus is on doing things with the children in my spare time.

I am not super-woman and I found having littlies and an academic lifestyle was almost impossible- if you look around at work, you'll see most of those with littlies are men, or if they are women have a stay at home or downsized dad who can support, or are in temp/not scaling the dizzy heights as it's almost impossible and someone needs to pick up the slack at home. I had help from my mum and simply couldn't have done it without her.

Good luck in having some conversations about what needs to change- do not stop your job/go part time to cover up for the fact your husband is crap at household stuff/caring in the evenings, it will be a big mistake, the change needs to come around your standards (lower!) and him putting his back into supporting you.

Alternate.

Cooking dinner and putting ds to bed. He needs to be cared for by both of you and get used to DH putting him to bed.

I would also arrange swimming lessons for DH and ds on Saturday or Sunday mornings so you get some peace and quiet.

Not being rude, but how will you cope with a baby as well if things are tricky now?

If your dh wants to eat in the evening then he needs to do 3/4 evenings of cooking at least. If he can’t do bed times then he actually needs to cook every night.

I know what you mean about having alone time.

I am never on my own so, when everyone has gone to bed, I like to stay up and either watch a bit of tv or play on my phone for an hour each night just to have some alone time.

I think if I went to bed when everyone else does I would feel out of sorts and wouldn’t sleep as well.

Ah, this is all a bit harsher on my husband than I was expecting, even though I can see some of it myself.

Thanks so much for opinions and examples of your own days - this is really really helpful.

The bedtime thing - I get that I could stay up, but it would mean sleeping in separate rooms, which I'm not keen on. So it's fair to accept that some of the going to bed earlier is my decision because of that.

When I say I do bathtime, my son doesn't have a bath every night, but when he doesn't have a bath I'm still spending time with him, so it doesn't impact on free time at all.

Lunch break - yes I could take a lunch break but my work is task-based so would have to be done at another point if I lost an hour in the day. BUT it's a fair point that I have probably got into the habit of not taking a break so don't take one even when I have time. I might set myself an alarm to remind me to take one at least more often than I do now, if not every day.

Meals - you're right about meals. I've set 30min meals as the maximum time I spend but some meals could be so much quicker. Or the type you throw in the oven but you don't have to do anything with. Not cooking every night would make a massive difference.

My husband's life has obviously changed a lot since having our son, I think because there has been a big impact on his own free time he finds it tricky to see that the impact on mine has been even greater. If you asked him I think he would say that we're pretty even. When I'm doing stuff in the evening he will be e.g. loading the dishwasher, but it doesn't take up the same amount of time as what I'm doing.

I also think you're right that I should just say I'm doing something for exercise and then my husband will have to work around it. I'd have the energy after our son is asleep, just not after making and eating dinner.

I would get a better mattress for the spare room and make that your haven in the evening and have that 1/2 hour to yourself

Go out then. Your son might want you, but if you're not physically there, he can't have you, so he'd soon get to grips with it!

I think you have two choices if you ACTUALLY want things to change, and not just to complain about it- which is perfectly fine if that's all you want!
1- split the days completely. Two days of the week are your free time, DH is in charge of all bath, bed and food for the two of you, and you disappear off to the gym or relax. Two days he does the same. One day you maybe split it and one does the bath and bed while the other one cooks a nicer dinner or does chores and you order a takeaway together.
2- Split the jobs evenly. Take it in turns to do jobs and alternate. One does bath and bed while the other cooks, dinner is eaten an hour earlier and you get a bit more downtime.

I agree that I’d eat at the same time as the toddler. It might be early for you but it’s so so nice to have everything done and cleared up so that after the kids are in bed you’re finished. I always eat with DC (models good table manners etc too) and so by 8 I am done for the night job-wise. Maybe a bit of washing to put on or something but I can’t even imagine starting to cook another meal then.

I also think the toddler bedtime routine and you cooking dinner is unfair.
Your dh needs to do half the bedtimes and the dinners. A quick pasta dish can be really nice!

As your ds is growing up, have you thought about cooking one meal that everyone sits down to eat together? Then it’s bedtime for the toddler and whoever is not doing bedtime cleans the kitchen and washes up.
That way you get a longer evening.

I agree with everyone else. Your DH needs to do more. Of course your toddler prefers you, because your DH hasn't invested as much in his relationship with him.

That's the first thing. The second thing is your DH's expectations of dinner.

So I'd:

1. Get your DH to take DS out every weekend. Maybe sign up for a class so that he's actually forced to, if you think he might not bother after a couple of weeks. That starts building the relationship between them where he spends fun time with daddy. Get him to take him to the park afterwards and have a spot of lunch out, so it's a treat. The bonus with this approach is that you absolutely KNOW you'll get a couple of hours on Saturday morning to do your thing.

1. Get your DH to do bath, stories and bed times 3 x a week.

1. On the days where he's doing bed time, you do dinner and vice versa. He can prepare food when you're doing bed time. That's only fair right?

1. You can get a ready meal once a week. It doesn't have to be a crap one. Charlie Bigham does amazing ready meals. Or get one from Cook.

Keep on at it, and after a month of this it'll start to normalise. Focus on it, and the prize is enormous - you'll start to feel like you again. But while you're still in this quagmire, I personally wouldn't start TTC. Imagine the stress of pregnancy thrown in without your DH's support!!

The bedtime thing - I get that I could stay up, but it would mean sleeping in separate rooms,

Is this your decision or your dh's? If he doesn't want to be disturbed couldn't he sleep in the other room?

I think you are being a bit of a martyr to you dh but also to your ds, he is 2.6 he shouldn't be dictating who gives him his bath. Your dh needs to step up and be a better husband and parent.

For what it's worth I am a single parent and you are doing way more than me, for a start cooking a nice meal every night for two people?? Crazy, I also dropped my hours after i had dd and even now she is older only work 30 hours a week. Its worth the financial sacrifice for the sake of my sanity.

And you definitely need to get DH used to doing things with your son - if not having a second child will be ten times as difficult.

It doesn't really sound like you want to take the advice on board though. Like another pp said a whinge is fine.

But honestly, you can sleep in your own bed and still go in later that him. If he wants to go to bed at the same time he can stay up later a couple of nights. Compromise.

Stop giving in to the toddler and just take some time for yourself. Go out if you must.

And most of all take a lunch break. Every single day. It's not healthy not to.

Is your DH home at the same time your DC is feed? If so, I'd have all of us eat the same thing together as a family, even if it's early. That way, it's done and washing up can be cleared by the OH who isn't on bathtime/bedtime duty. If you're both working similar hours, then does need to be more of a split of jobs. If DH wants more than pasta, stir frys etc and you're going to eat later, then I suggest he cooks, while you do bedtime routine.

I'm sure you know, you're entitled to a short break at work with those hours, so I'd insist on having it. Just a few mins stretching your legs or switching off while eating lunch, will do you a world of good. If not, perhaps, you could use it for some of that online shopping you do later.