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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 22/05/2019 10:29

Don’t live your life to please your parents. It’s no way to live. Do what you like and let them strop about it. If they come round eventually great if they don’t it just shows how childish they are.

ivykaty44 · 22/05/2019 10:30

So your parents don’t like me it
Tell them they’ve had their day, voiced their opinion but you’d now appreciate the matter is happening so let’s move forward and stop the silly remarks

thecatsthecats · 22/05/2019 10:30

In my experience, people like this amost always back down in public.

The tantrumming is private, and they don't actually want to display themselves as idiots in public - they want to keep the facade of 'lovely, proud mum'. I would expect pursed lips and nothing more, to be honest.

Unfortunately, on your wish for them to be supportive, either they are or they aren't. Some parents (and friends, relatives, whatever...) just have a complete cognitive defecit when it comes to supporting others. They are only happy if things are being done in line with their expectations. I'm afraid I imagine you are only 'really close to her' because you give in to or naturally follow her expectations.

RosaWaiting · 22/05/2019 10:32

what do your parents say when you ask them why they are so angry?

IAmNotAWitch · 22/05/2019 10:33

You can't make them be supportive. Just do what you like, it's your name.

If yohr Mother wants to have a tantrum treat her in the same way you would a toddler doing so. Ignore.

Chippychipsforme · 22/05/2019 10:36

Tell them to shut up. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions.

pinkyredrose · 22/05/2019 10:36

Blimey I really don't understand why your families are so angry! It's nothing to do with them. I wouldn't even have anything in the wedding speech about it, just quietly call yourself what you like.

Dungeondragon15 · 22/05/2019 10:37

I thought you were going to say that your parents were angry that you weren't keeping your surname rather than the other way around. They are being ridiculous bigots.
As for "keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation", I am in my 50s and while it was less common plenty of us did (including me!).

Theclearing · 22/05/2019 10:38

Just say, ‘ooh, my goodness that will make our wedding so exciting, are you going to scrape your chair back and everything? Someone will video it and put it all over social media for all your friends to see for sure so check your makeup’s en point before you do it’.

My parents refused to believe I was ‘allowed’ to keep my own name for years. Endless passive aggressive hi jinks ensued for years on both sides. But since there was LITERALLY NOTHING THEY COULD DO they let it go eventually.

Hotterthanahotthing · 22/05/2019 10:39

I'm in my late 50s and kept my name.Cant remember asking anyone's opinion about it and my now ex was ok with it.

mbosnz · 22/05/2019 10:39

Good grief. Just to give you some generational perspective, my sister is in her late 50's. She double-barrelled her surname with her husbands. There was no aggro' about it from my parents, who in some ways were so conservative that the telephone was considered a new fangled invention.

So I don't think that it's a generational thing.

This is the beginning of your life together. It is nothing to do with either your parents or his parents. They can certainly have their opinion on it, clearly do, but they do not get to force you to live your adult married life according to their opinion. And you've heard it already, and now I'd be more than happy each time it comes up to say - know how you feel Mum, you have told me sooo many times. Don't want to hear it again. Not up to you. Not up for discussion. Now, how about Aunty Martha's new toyboy, isn't he something?

You can't make them supportive. They can't make you do what they want. I do think it's a bit of a warning sign about how they view you as an adult and an independent entity as an adult couple that they're having so much trouble accepting your right to make this decision for yourselves, and respecting your choice.

CMOTDibbler · 22/05/2019 10:39

Ignore tantrums! If your mum wants to make herself look a fool in front of everyone at your wedding by walking out, then let her. The cracked record method is good for these things - set on a standard phrase 'we have decided on this name and are very happy with it' or somesuch and don't argue or try and win them over, just use the phrase and change the subject. Over and over. Its very good practice for having a toddler ime!

ChipSandwich · 22/05/2019 10:40

Are you talking about double-barrelled surname? Probably not or you would have said so.
You need to do what pleases you. Mother walking out of the wedding is a bit dramatic, you can't pander to that sort of threat.
My daughter is getting married soon. I'm imagining I'd be a bit surprised if they did a combination name but I know I wouldn't criticise. I'd secretly think it was a daft idea though.

Dungeondragon15 · 22/05/2019 10:41

My parents refused to believe I was ‘allowed’ to keep my own name for years.

Lol. My father asked me how I "stopped" it from changing.

RatherBeRiding · 22/05/2019 10:42

You really can't let your families dictate how you live your lives - it's a name change for heaven's sake - not emigrating to Outer Mongolia!

They may not like it (well, they've made that obvious!) - but apart from strops and snide remarks they can't actually DO anything that will impact on your decision.

And I have to agree with pp who said that DM's threat to walk out of the wedding will be an empty one - she really won't, when the chips are down, make herself look so ridiculous in front of everyone. And if she did by some very remote chance, then SHE will be the one looking ridiculous!

So what if they are paying for/towards the wedding - this doesn't give them a free pass to dictate your every move.

ChipSandwich · 22/05/2019 10:43

She double-barrelled her surname with her husbands

I get the idea from the OP that it's not double barrelling. It's combining names e.g. Richardson and Howard = Howardson.
Is it something like that OP?

ANewDawn10 · 22/05/2019 10:44

Your mother sounds like a bully. Tell her to go do one. If you are old enough to be getting married, you dont need your parents approval.
I hope you realize how selfish she is, it's all about her when she doesnt even have to use the name.!

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 10:44

We did this. Start of his name, end of mine to make a totally new word/name.

It's awesome. How weird that anyone would complain. We get compliments on our name all the time, and people think it's even cooler when we tell them how we got it.

Chewbecca · 22/05/2019 10:45

Not sure why people’s ‘support’ is needed on this sort of thing. It is what two adults have decided. They may think it is silly &, if they must, could tell you, politely, once. That’s the end of it, no further discussion needed.

MuchTooTired · 22/05/2019 10:45

We double barrelled when we got married because it felt important to me, and therefore my husband felt it was important to him too! Most of our family address thing to mr & Mrs tootired, only one person insists on mr & Mrs x tired which whilst mildly irritating also amuses me because it’s been donkeys years now and they’re nothing if not determined 🤣

Take whatever surname you want when you’re married, you have to do what you feel happiest with - your parents can either accept it or not, you’re the one who has to live with and be happy with it!

makkmiss · 22/05/2019 10:45

Unless your mum has form for embarrassing behaviour in public, I would highly doubt she would make a scene at her daughters wedding! She might make a big deal right now, but is she the type of person to want to show people how unreasonable she’s being? I think if the name sounds like a normal name then this sounds like a lovely idea and it’s so nice to have a bit in your DH’s speech about what it means to you.

It’s your wedding, don’t make it about anyone else but you and DH. Because the stress is not worth it!

diddl · 22/05/2019 10:46

Christ Op-I'm in my 50s & it's something we thought about doing!

Tbh I sometimes wish we had & I think that it's a great idea.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 22/05/2019 10:49

My friend had some relatives kick up a big fuss before her wedding (not about her name, about something else) and make all sorts of threats about how if such-and-such happened then they wouldn’t be coming. My friend was very upset in private, but I was so proud of her because all she said to them was ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that, that’s a shame, we’ll hopefully see you after the wedding then’.

About a week later they got back in touch and mumbled that they’d decided they would come after all.

thecats is right that most people do this kind of tantrumming and threatening in private but rarely actually make a fuss in public. Your mum will know that she’s only going to make herself look bad if she goes through with her threats. Next time your mum says she’s going to walk out, just say ‘that would be a shame and quite embarrassing, but if that’s what you want...’

Good luck! Flowers

Original poster
aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:50

Yes OP here just to clarify not double barrelling it would be like the example somebody used in replies e.g. Richardson and Howard = Howardson.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 22/05/2019 10:51

Some people are weird why does it matter so much-walking oiut of the reception if you mention it?

Complete narcs