I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

I think many posters wrongly think the OP wants to double barrel their surname. That’s not what she’s saying, but that they’ve made a new surname by combining both surnames, which is completely different.

Personally if that’s what you want to do then I’d do it. Your mother needs to take a chill pill. I think explaining it during the speeches is lovely, saves explaining it separately afterwards

Sounds pretentious and “trying too hard”.
A pretty standard name, really? How would you even know?

You’ll regret it, you’re caught up in the romance of planning the wedding. I’m not usually cynical but I have been known to roll my eyes at people who feel they have to over-explain or justify themselves.
I'm 13 years in and I don't regret it. I have also never explained or justified myself, why would I?

Keep your own name, have kids and then decide. I’d love to open a book on it and I’ll place the first bet - you’ll cringe at the idea of your “unique” idea in a few years.
I'm more than a few years in and still love it, and my kids names. No cringing here.

If you’re really determined, though, just get married without the big party. You’re an adult, you don’t need permission.
Agree with the OP doesn't need permission, I mean we're not in the dark ages are we. Why can't she have a big party if she wants? Because her mother is going to have a tantrum and make herself look silly? That's down to her mother not the OP.

Hi, I admit to not reading full thread - it is long! But I fail to see how it is "honouring both families" if neither family likes it.

You can do what you like of course, but own your decision- it's not for your families benefit as they would both prefer that you didn't. I took my husband's name, my sister kept her name and double barrelled their child's. Not for me but her choice. I don't think my family were bothered much either way but she preferred it. If you are bothered enough about the conjoined name to bother with the aggro go for it. It sounds like you might have regrets if you don't. Your family will get over it.

I must admit I don't get the honouring both families

I just think this is your family, why not make it in the name you want.

Keep your own name, have kids and then decide. I’d love to open a book on it and I’ll place the first bet - you’ll cringe at the idea of your “unique” idea in a few years.

First of all once she has kids, they will have her husband's name - guarantee it.

Secondly the people I know who did this (combine 2 names/create another name) don't cringe at all - they are too busy living their lives, rearing children (with the new name), minding aging parents, dealing with career issues etc. you know the kind of thing ... life where what the f you are called matters not a whit.

And even if they do cringe - so what? Loads of women cringe when they think of their first husbands. Is that a reason not to get married?

Tbh this thread is downright weird to me. I never thought so many people gave so much of a shit about what other people called themselves.

You’re give them far too much say in the matter, stop pandering to their entitled behaviour and tell them it’s not up for discussion. You’re doing it and that’s that!

Your parents are paying- if they want to "spoil" the day, make the bill as high as poss. OMG, tell them its your choice and their attitude only makes you more determined.

Hi, @aokchesh.
I read your OP and smiled. I apologize for not fully reading the entire thread so don't know what you have finally decided to do. I didn't want to read and run.

I smiled when I read your OP because I think it is a lovely idea and really really really wanted to do this myself when I got married over a decade ago..but was met with a NO from the groom. Now, I really wish I had insisted. Please, don't be deterred from doing what matters to you. Things like that have a way of niggling at you for decades. People that love you don't stop because of a name.

There is nothing actually unusual about this. If it helps, in the last 28 months, I have attended 9 weddings and 7 couples did exactly this.

I really hope you stand up for yourself and soon-to-be DH, and do what you really want.
All the best.

Lol how is a combined name 'aggro'? No one says that when a woman changes her name on marriage and there is absolutely no difference here apart from the fact the groom is changing his too.

You need to make a stand on this. If you are blessed with children you want to be able to choose their first names and not be dictated to by your parents or anyone else for that matter.
As far as I can see they’re not showing much respect to you and your fiancé.
I’m in my 50s it’s not a generational thing it’s about control and not allowing you to make their own way.
Good luck.

I didn’t know this was even a thing . It’s completely your business but I can understand your families hesitation if they have traditional values .

Why are there so many judgy people onow here? Why do you feel there is a value judgement to be made on someone's name? People have different ways of deriving names across all of history and geography, and yet you feel that anything outside of your narrow range of experience is worthy not just of surprise but of ridicule? Do you habitually mock people who are different from you?

People who judge harshly are often riddled with their own insecurities. So I wouldn't take too much notice of people who say it's naff or pretentious. That speaks more to their motivation and mindset than yours.

I think it's a lovely idea. Especially that when you have DC your whole family will share a name. Traditions all have start somewhere. No reason why you can't start your own.

“Why are there so many judgy people onow here?”
Generally speaking people hare it when anyone does something even a little outside our societal norms. It’s evolutionary. We need to think our way is the only right way, otherwise we lose the protection of the herd and end up being eaten by lions.

I am pretty close to being of your parents' generation. I don't know where you live, but this was hardly an alien concept to us then either. I think my own parents (born in the 1920s) would have been really pleased with this idea. They weren't of the 'it's always been done that way' mindlessly following tradition. It is a custom to take the make surname on marriage, not a legal requirement. I'm surprised your parents are pleased with this symbolic honouring of both families. I actually retained my maiden name as an additional forename, but my husband (61) says he would have been quite open to combining names in the way you are going to.

“Keep your own name, have kids and then decide. I’d love to open a book on it and I’ll place the first bet - you’ll cringe at the idea of your “unique” idea in a few years.

First of all once she has kids, they will have her husband's name - guarantee it. “

How come so many of us have given our kids our names / both parents’ names? Have we descended from outer space?

How smug and pursed lipped you sound. ‘Ooh, trying to be different ’

Not sure if OP is coming back but for those saying its unnecessary to announce it at the wedding... Generally at a wedding reception the bride and groom walk in to an announcement of 'will everyone please welcome Mr and Mrs xyz'. Its the natural time to say 'this is what we are called now'. Op's parents are being ridiculous. I suspect they haven't really voiced WhaT it is they dont like about it honestly. That's why they cant let it go. @aokchesh You clearly WanT their support. So if talking them through it isn't working maybe if you both write it all in a letter? That way you can avoid being interrupted before youve has a chance to make yourself clear. And ask them to be clear about why they find it so hard to support you. As for your mum saying she'd walk out. Would she really embarrass you all like that?

Congratulations

I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation

Or could it be that you make (wild and ridiculous) assumptions and view your parents as people 'past it' and unable to understand these modern times we live in; and so when they speak, you may not actually hear the what they say???

The ancient money seems OK, though. Luckily...

(yes - I've past the 50 threshold)

PS your parents seem to be being ridiculous, however there's very little to base that on given that you've gone AWOL

I'm not really sure why you feel the need to 'announce' it in the speech? I don't know what reaction you'll be looking for? It doesn't matter what you call yourselves, it's up to you, but by making it a 'thing' you're assuming it's more important to other people than it is.

I like the idea of doing this, it's so old school to replace your name and have your husbands after having your surname all your life, and then your children are expected to have the mans name too. stick to your guns and don't live your life doing things to please others.

If you are having second thoughts about your HTB announcing it in his speech, how about getting the Master of Ceremonies to do it. 'Please be upstanding for your Bride and Groom - the new MR and Mrs Howardson' .

It sounds a fab idea! If you combined my husbands name and my maiden name it would be Barlow, sounds like a normal surname. Just go for it and do what you want.

Combining mine and my husband's name it would turn his surname from an adjective to an adverb.

Where is the OP?

Sorry I have reread and have realised that you aren't meaning a double barrelled surname, but a hybrid. So if you were Hilson and he Smith, it might be Smithson, for example. I can understand why some people might struggle with this idea, but it'd your choice, just as it's your choice what you name your children, should you have any. Hubby and I were playing a game of couples we know, and came up with some interesting combinations. There are people who choose to go by a new surname for all sorts of different reasons, so as long as long as you're not proposing something really bizarre, where's the harm? You might have a problem with Chamberlain and Philpot, for example.