I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

Ridiculous behaviour from your mother. This is what I'd do - or I hope I would. Sit her down. Tell her your'e an adult and it's your decision, not hers. Tell her that if she's going to misbehave at your wedding and make it all about her, she's no longer invited. No more discussion on the subject. Both of my daughters are married - we didn't discuss what they were doing with their names, I didn't even ask them, because I don't think it's any of my business.

I'm in my late 50s and, although DS is only 12 years old, I seriously couldn't care less what he and his wife decide to call themselves. All I care about is that they treat each other with love and respect - if they do they can call themselves anything they want.

I find it odd that people find it odd nowadays (if you see what I mean) because so many people combine surnames it's surely pretty 'normal' to hear double barrelled names like this?

I didn't combine my surname mainly because my maiden name is a pretty yuck one so I was glad to see it gone!

How does it affect them?

That's what I'd ask them.

That's bizarre that both families have got upset about this! It's by no means unheard of in this day and age. They'll all get over it in their own time though, just don't discuss any more.

That said, I've never been to a wedding where the couple has 'announced' what they are doing about surnames as part of the speeches. If you are feeling generous you could just send out all your thankyous using your new name instead. But I agree with pp that your mum risks looking very silly if she walks out of your wedding so it could be an empty threat.

To be blunt it's got fuck all to do with your Mum or anyone. This seriously caused A YEAR of arguments?

Sorry but is there a massive backstory to this? It's only a name!

Ignore them. Change your name and do what YOU want to do. You don't have to live your life hoping for your parents' approval. It's called being an adult and making adult decisions. Enjoy your wedding!

Wow, your family are horrible.

They'll have paid by the time the speeches take place

Fuck them, it's absolutely not one iota of their business. I'm quite cross on your behalf!

My parents refused to believe I was ‘allowed’ to keep my own name for years.

Ha! I saw someone terribly worried about this on Facebook recently, asking how it could be legal for her to use her current passport on honeymoon when ‘I will by law be Mrs X’

I can't really understand why your parents have been given air time about this . It is absolutely none of their business.

I would stop talking about it. If it comes up, say you refuse to discuss it further.

Call your mother's bluff about the wedding - hopefully she won't be such an idiot. If she does actually walk out then just ignore it. Let your lovely HTB make his full speech - it sounds lovely .

I would have thought your parents would be pleased as it would mean that, if you had children, your birth surname would be carried on.

I did this when I got married. I just didn't want to give up MY name but we wanted to acknowledge we were going to share our lives so we decided to both share names by joining them together.

It was my in-laws who were very unhappy about it and, although they didn't say anything to me, they told my DH before we married they would disinherit him. I think it's the only time he can remember them being upset with him. When he told me I told him to ask if they were coming to our wedding as, if not, I'd offer their places to others. They immediately said of course they were coming.

Anyway, they didn't disinherit him. They were very lovely in-laws who just needed to get used to it. I think they thought that I was being snobby about their surname (it was nothing to do with their name) but they soon realised I wasn't going to have a personality transplant just because I had a double- barrelled name.

I probably should have handled it differently by discussing my reasons with them but I was only 21 and, selfishlessly, I really hadn't considered how they would feel.

I'm really surprised that it's your parents who don't like it. I'd be outraged if they said they'd walk out of the wedding of you mention it. If they really would then I'd tell them not to come at all.

I would ensure they know you definitely will be announcing it OR I'd put someone on the wedding invites 'from the future Mr and Mrs combined name'.

If they would ruin a wedding for this then they are not very nice people.

I wish I'd kept my name and joined it with DH's, I regret it so often. I didn't change it on my passport or bank account for over 8 years because I didn't want to, and I only did it in the end because we were buying a house and my payslips were in my married surname and everything needed to match. I kick myself over it so much, it was my name, I didn't want to change it and DH would've respected that. I wanted our names joined, I didn't want to feel my identity was erased by my marriage, but I do. I still don't think of myself as the name I have now, and I know some people will say it's just a name, but it feels like so much more.

You need and deserve to be happy, so have the name you both want and sod them. If they're saying they're supportive but acting the opposite, you absolutely need to call them out on it. PA behaviour like this over issues in families is just such a horrible constant situation, I'd tell them they put up and shut up or I'm going NC.

It’s a great idea, I wish I had done the same.

Your family are being utterly ridiculous and you should not pander to their drama.

Unless he is called Laycock and you are called Cheeseman, I really can't understand this AT ALL

Why on earth would they be angry. At worst they should roll their eyes and move on. Honestly OP. Someone right at the beginning of the thread had it right:

"You've had your say. You've had your day of throwing toys out of the pram. It's our choice. It's happening and I don't want to hear any more about it. Ever. Thank you."

You can't make them be supportive. Either joining your names in this way is important to you or it's not. It would be odd to have spent a year arguing with everyone about it to then suddenly say it doesn't matter.
I have friends who combined their names in this way but I don't know anyone who announced their new names in their speech. After all the upset, choosing to make a point of it in the speeches seems like you're all a bit over-dramatic. The only people that care about your names are you and your families so it seems like you're deliberately bringing all the bad feeling into your wedding day by making it an issue in the speeches.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through
I really don't know why they needed to be sat down and talked through something that's not their business, but OK.

My parents however… have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc
Any time they say something like that, say firmly 'I don't care to hear your offensive comments on that' and move on.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out
So let her.

Basically, fuck em all. Your life, your choice. And it's a non-issue.

nice idea!

They are being silly.

Unless your names are Phillips and McCracken or something that would be equally ridiculous then I don't see why anyone gives that much of a toss? This sounds totally bizarre to me. My mum didn't even ask me whether or not I was changing my name after marriage - On the actual day of my wedding I said to her happily "I am now officially Mrs X!" and she said "ah ok, I'll change that in the address book then." That was the first and last time it was mentioned.

As others have said just completely ignore them and do what you want to do. If your mum decides to ruin your wedding because of something so silly and inconsequential then I'm sorry to say that she's being a total cow and you'd be better off without her there. I bet she won't though... I bet she'd be too embarrassed to make a public scene over something so silly.

Absolutely do your own thing. Said as a 50 something.
We now have a tradition of family names, but where did they come from? Baker? Archer? Smith?
'Jean De Florette' was John, Florettes son.
Leonardo De Vinci was Leonardo from Venice. You have your own tradition.

Giggling the OP's surname isn't carrying on. They're creating a new name that's a combination of the two surnames hence neither family name is being carried on by them.

If you're not double barrelling but creating a new name are there not legal ramifications? I thought you need to do something legal to change to a new surname.

Your parents sound very controlling. I think the time for discussion is over. Any threats like “I’ll walk out” need to be replied to with “that’s a shame.”

I will eat my hat if she walks out though. If she’s that bothered by appearances she will sit and smile.

I'm probably the same age as your parents and think is a great idea! I love the idea of new surnames being generated.

I wonder how easy it will be for future generations to do genealogy searches when people change their surnames like this.

Perhaps if your surname shows something in particular abour your family history, that is why your parents are saddened at its being altered... e.g. Jewish, or village in Ukraine, or famous ancestor, etc

However, it's your life and you need to live it as you see fit.

fortunately your mum isn't marrying him.

sounds a big deal though - deed polls and all that.

LadyRannaldini You can change your name to whatever you like. Surnames aren’t sacred!

www.theukdeedpolloffice.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMItYqEy_Gu4gIVKL7tCh2JpAeyEAAYAiAAEgLtP_D_BwE

This might be what you need to look at.