Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
spanishwife · 22/05/2019 11:54

I disagree with the people saying 'don't publicly announce it' or 'don't put it in the speech' - it sounds lovely and perfectly relevant to include in a speech at the wedding!

Ultimately - crack on with what YOU want and ignore everyone else.

CraicMammy · 22/05/2019 11:55

Your parents chose your name when you were born. They’ve had their go, now it’s your turn!

RosaWaiting · 22/05/2019 11:58

ah, so what they are angry about is a surname disappearing

well, that's tough.

it is up to you and creating a new name instead of a double barrel or the other options seems fine to me.

I would agree that your mum is unlikely to actually leave the wedding but if you are worried about it, the best tactic is probably to uninvite her. you say your parents are paying - if that means they are literally paying bills as the wedding progresses, I would rethink that.

Money isn't often handed over without strings. That said, if they have handed it over then you can freely tell them to piss off and stop being dramatic.

a poster mentioned a trick about shutting people up - just saying "can I just stop you there" - and that's it. You could try that.

they will stop going on about it if they don't get a reaction. but if there's any risk of them spoiling your wedding with a big dramatic scene, I'd uninvite.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/05/2019 11:58

Hmm, my kids are mostly adults. Mumsnet has taught me that the best way to interact with them is to smile and say, “That’s nice dear.”

MumUndone · 22/05/2019 11:58

It is a little odd to create a whole different name (rather than double-barrelling) but the reaction from your parents is very odd!

Mouldiwarp1 · 22/05/2019 11:59

I’m 59 and kept my ‘maiden’ name for years after I married (in fact until a month ago I still had a bank account in that name) so age is no excuse for their attitude. It wouldn’t have worked with our names, but I think it’s a lovely idea. Out of curiosity , if you double-barrel what would be the norm for your children when they marry? Presumably they don’t Quadruple-barrel?

Asiama · 22/05/2019 12:00

Hi OP, I had a similar reaction from my mother when I told her we are going to double barrell our surname instead of me taking his. It was awful! The constant put downs, passive aggressive comments, directly aggressive comments etc. I was surprised as I thought she would have been pleased that my family's surname continues. Even now, four years later, she still acts confused by what my surname now is. When our baby was born a few months ago, she went into full attack mode and couldn't understand why the baby has our double barrelled surname, and not just my husband's name.

I'm so glad we did what was right for us and did not give in to my parents. Being married means sharing our lives and sharing our name is the first thing we shared after getting married. It was a sign of equal partnership to us - something hugely important to me as my mum did her best to reinforce that I need to submit and obey my husband. At the time I did nearly cave in and if I had, I would regret it very much right now.

My mum did walk out of the reception for another reason, and I didn't notice because I was too busy enjoying myself. I was a bit sad later when I found out, but those people who noticed and commented saw it as a reflection of her, and not of me.

You are a grown up and about to get married, you are allowed to do things without your parents' support and / or permission. Don't let them put you off from doing something that makes you happy.

Chopinaround · 22/05/2019 12:03

Don’t give in to the bullying and unpleasantness. It is absolutely nothing to do with your parents. They might not like your choice but then they don’t have to like it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go ahead. You are adults. You make your own decisions. If they walk out at your wedding (which sounds like a silly, idle threat to me) then they will look bloody ridiculous. I’d calmly tell them that it’s up to them if they walk out on the day but that you will be sticking to your name plans.

mrsb345 · 22/05/2019 12:04

Ignore the dramas. It's your marriage and your name... there will be so many more dramas when planning the wedding so don't get too caught up. Families causing it but they only do it because they think they know best.
I originally planned to double barrel but then when I was actually seeing the registrar before the ceremony I didn't even think so now I have his name 😂

Herbella · 22/05/2019 12:04

In my 50s and kept my own name - nobody seemed to care either way, or if they did they kept very quiet about it. Names are too similar to have been able to combine them in a logical way.
I think @lisasimpsonssaxophone 's idea about him changing his name prior to the wedding so that you can use your marriage certificate as proof to change yours is brilliant and would definitely cut down on hassle for you.

goose1964 · 22/05/2019 12:05

DD's friend did this. I think it's better than double barelling, and romantic. It's none if your mother's business.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 22/05/2019 12:08

@Mouldiwarp1 - the children then do what they like.

So either keep the double barrelled name which is why some are past down generations, choose one of the names to double barrel it with their spouse's, take on the spouse lastname or keep their lastname.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 12:09

Next time your mother says she'llwalk out of your wedding, suggest it might be better if she doesn't attend. Then do some walking out yourself. I agree with the previous poster - bet you're only close to her if you do what you're told.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:09

I think it's a good solution op, carry on as you are - they'll probably all fall in line when they realise the emotion blackmail doesn't have traction.

minimittens · 22/05/2019 12:10

Rather than making an speech about it, you could just mention it in the wedding invitations. We did this when I was double barrelling my name, partly incase someone bought a gift saying Mr and Mrs A when it was actually going to be Mr A and Mrs B-A, but also as a bit of a 🖕🏻 to his family who refused to accept that I was double barrelling.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 22/05/2019 12:14

A lot of foreign people who moved to this country Anglicise their surnames so I would imagine this would be the same. No biggie.

RiversDisguise · 22/05/2019 12:16

I think @lisasimpsonssaxophone 's idea about him changing his name prior to the wedding so that you can use your marriage certificate as proof to change yours is brilliant and would definitely cut down on hassle for you.

Unless.... she jilts him at the altar and he is standing there bereft, with nothing.... no woman, and not even his name!

StCharlotte · 22/05/2019 12:18

I could understand his family being slightly miffed but I really don't understand your family's issue at all?

Inmyvestandpants · 22/05/2019 12:29

My Mum was constantly shooting down my ideas for my wedding - the stock phrase was "what will your granny think when she sees a chocolate wedding cake / balloons instead of flowers / the minister dressed as a dalek?"

I was only young at the time, and parents paid for the whole thing so I felt powerless to argue, but I wish now I had said "Why are you more concerned about granny's view of our wedding than our views?". It might have made her think about where her anger was coming from.

OP do you think your Mum is worried about what a particular person will think?

I agree with others, you are best to forge ahead, and ignore. Don't get drawn into any more conversations about it. Shut it down with a courteous "Well that's what we are going to do, sorry you don't like it."

I did briefly consider, but couldn't have combined names with DH - we'd have been Willies!

SenecaFalls · 22/05/2019 12:29

What a pity his name won't be handed down any more' etc, like they were the fucking Plantaganets or something. Grin

This is going to be my response to this passing down the name angst from now on.

OP, as others have pointed out, it really isn't a generational thing. We didn't combine names, but I kept my name, and I am older than 50. Same for many of my friends.

Do what you want. And announce it at the wedding if you wish to. We did.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/05/2019 12:33

Does your mother have form for kicking off in oder to keep you in line? Don’t indulge your families by changing your plans, get this nonsense stopped before you have kids, because otherwise it will be ten times worse.

TheRedBarrows · 22/05/2019 12:36

“The easiest thing would be for your husband to change his before the wedding, then he can sign the marriage certificate with it. Then you can use the marriage certificate as ‘proof’ to change yours”

Or do it the other way round. I wouldn’t do this, it perpetuates the whole ‘woman automatically takes mans name ‘ mechanism. I’d change my name.

But I am one of those older generation feminists, a daughter of the generation that invented Women’s Lib Wink

Your mother and other family members are preposterous. Can your DP sit them down and say “ the main thing is I am over the moon to be marrying xxx we’ve made our decision, and that’s that. What I would really like now is that we focus on a great day and celebrating together”.

IF they withdraw cash just say ‘Ok well that’s a shame but that’s your decision. As we said it’s about our joy in marrying and we can do that with sandwiches and lots of bottles. One way and another we will make it a happy day”

SpaceCadet4000 · 22/05/2019 12:40

They'd probably be unhappy, to varying degrees, if you did anything outside of the norm. But ultimately it's nobody's business but yours and your fiance's and you just need to own it. Let people have their tantrums, change the topic of conversation to something positive, shut down arguments by not engaging. Eventually, they will realise that behaving like a 7-year old is an unbelievable overreaction to a name.

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 12:42

@TheRedBarrows

We really didn't care which way round we did it. It was totally irrelevant. DH's passport was just due for renewal so it made sense he did it first so we could get that sent off.

Cyberworrier · 22/05/2019 12:44

So much good advice here. I agree with PP that doing a big name announcement could be a little like a gender reveal- or just a bit unnecessary as there’s enough excitement at a wedding anyhow! You also may end up with everyone just wanting to discuss surnames/ give you their opinions after, which doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I would explain to your family that you’re sorry they are upset but you hope they can learn to accept your joint decision as newly weds. I hope your mum wouldn’t really ruin your wedding day if you do announce it then, but any chance of that would make me rethink making a big deal out of it then as who wants that stress if it can be avoided?
By the way,you will still get the chance to tell people your new name at wedding without a reveal- lots will congratulate you as Mrs Husband and you can explain then.