I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

It's you choice not theirs and you don't need their support.

They're closed-minded and it's NOT a generation thing. I'm 10 years older than your parents and didn't change my name at my first marriage in 1978.

For the second, 6 years ago, we contemplated combining names but as both have the same ending we were left with a choice of his or mine. So he stayed as he was and I double-barrelled.

It's up to you and no-one else. I don't understand how them telling other people they don't like it is 'undermining' though - irritating and a PITA but undermining?

Well now you have to do it @Slapdasherie

Think of it like Game of Thrones. You love Game of Thrones, they hate it. Or vice versa.

As adults, you all get to do as you please.

“If you're not double barrelling but creating a new name are there not legal ramifications? I thought you need to do something legal to change to a new surname.
www.theukdeedpolloffice.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMItYqEy_Gu4gIVKL7tCh2JpAeyEAAYAiAAEgLtP_D_BwE

This might be what you need to look at.”

It’s really simple, and also free - don’t get conned into paying any company money to do what you can absolutely (legally) do yourself.

Information here: www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/make-an-adult-deed-poll

If you want to, you can pay to get the change “enrolled” at the royal courts of justice, but we didn’t bother and this has not been an issue for changing our bank details, driving licence or passport.

You are both adults. Your parents don't have to like what you do. FFS some bloody people need to grow up. I'd tell them to F off and mind their own business but you probably shouldn't do that lol

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out

she won't do it unless she's an absolute narcissist. How ridiculous would she look?

I think it's a bit odd to create a new surname to be honest, but it's nothing to do with anyone else. Can you even just do that easily? I'm in my fifties too and kept my surname when I married so it was done and not that uncommon.

Nooo! Think of the generations to come who will be trying to do their family history - it will be a nightmare! grin

So genuine question now after my last post, as two people have said changing names make tracing family history a nightmare.

When people do their family tree, do they only trace male lines? If it is such a nightmare when someone changes their name on marriage, are women ignored as it’s too difficult? Do you just look at dad, grandad, g grandad etc as finding the womans old name and family is not as easy?

What about adoption, or subsequent marriages?

How does a man changing their name on marriage make tracing family more difficult than a woman doing it? Surely either their name legally remains their name, even if they use another, so passports and death certs would show that, or there is a deed poll document?

What complete arseholes! Do whatever you both would like to do (and I say that as someone who kept hers)

@Deeandwizzy It's incredibly easy DH did a deed poll just before we got married then 'I took' his name.

Our parents are all late 60's/early 70's and they didn't find it odd at all.

@Deeandwizzy yes, you can change any of your names to whatever you want. Have you seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe and Mike wind each other up by changing to Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock and Crap Bag? That is an extreme example, but it is in fact easily done.

Never heard of anyone doing this before personally but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Your parents are too over invested already, don’t enable this otherwise it will get worse if you ever have children.

I kept my own name when I married and gave the DC both names. They now choose to only use my name at school.

Lots of good advice here.

My DH and I recently chose a completely new name for us both. Some people in the family didn’t like it, they seem to have got used to it very quickly.

I agree with PPs that while you don’t want to upset people, they do usually back down in public, and it is them creating this issue, not you, and they need to modify their behaviour!

Well you're not "honouring both sides" like you said in your reason for wanting to do it. Neither side likes the idea and neither surname is there

That said, bit odd to flounce out of the wedding over it too

yanbu! You are both adults and can change your name to anything you want! Personally, I think its lovely! It's your wedding and if your OH wants to talk about it in his speech, then crack on (please ask him to say you'll be known as crap bag and princess consuela bananahammock xx new surname xx). It's your day. Your mum will look like an absolute drama queen if she gets up and walks out. In fact if it were me, I'd probably ask if she wants an announcement on her departure, or if she wants to amend her spot in the seating plan so that she can ensure that she gets the full dramatic effect that she is looking for

I had it the other way around my uncle was really angry that I chose not to double barrel the name and just have my husband's name

People get very upset when you try and do anything other than Mr DHname and Mrs DHname. It's bemusing. Anyway, your mother is being a twat. She doesn't get a say. Call yourself whatever you want and announce it at the wedding if you wish. She won't walk out.

I do also think it's quite odd how much airtime both sets of parents have been allowed to have devoted to this, tbh. Is there a wider pattern of them being controlling, pandered to?

Bluezoo, calm your tits, I was genuinely posing a question about genealogy, not posturing. I know zilch about it.

I have just realised that by combing my maiden name and my husband's surname, we could have had 'Gerbil' as a name... fuck! Missed a trick there!

Are they paying for the whole wedding? Could you afford to cover their contribution if they kick off?

Perhaps that has made them feel that they get a greater say in this than they actually do. Not that it's right!

I love the idea of doing this!
Unfortunately my surname and DP's don't lend themselves to easy blending, and we're both in agreement the due the that and his kids with exP, we'll have his surname. (MY choice to take his, in lieu of blending! And far too many syllables for double barrelling too!)

OP, I love the idea of blending them into a new surname, and I also love that your fiancé has written it into a speech as well - cute and lovely!
As for your mum.... call her bluff.
Your wedding, your big day... maybe have a punchline in reserve in case she actually does walk out during the speech, but I'd be surprised if she did.

My ex and I picked a totally new name as we both have unusual surnames that we didn't like.

I would publicly announce the name change before the wedding so your mum has time to either withdraw her money or have a tantrum before the big day. I can't believe that you would bow down to her unreasonable behaviour for money. If you give in this time then she will use this trick again in the future. You are not marrying your mum and are an adult. She needs to get over herself.

It's odd they are so 'angry' about it. I mean I guess my parents would find it unusual but would be bemused by it more than anything.
But please don't make a big thing of it in the speeches that's really cringe! In fact I wonder why you making such a deal about it at all. If you'd just gone & done it and mentioned after the fact there might not be such a palaver about it!!!

My DP and I could end up with Logg if we did this

The Deed Poll process is very easy and you have to announce it so that you receive mail like cards from your friends in the correct names. Presumably your social media and professional names would change too.

Wish I'd done it. I'd be Mrs Picklips!