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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 22/05/2019 12:45

This is down to you and your fiancé. Nice to show respect to both sets of parents by telling them first but honestly, tell them they did what they wanted regarding their names and you are entitled to the same choices. Ask them if this means they won't accept their grandchildren with this new name. And respect is earned..

Intothe · 22/05/2019 12:51

I have never heard of this.

KurriKurri · 22/05/2019 12:51

I haven't actually heard of this type of name change (except hen peoplecall thier houses a combination of their first names which personally I find a bit twee). but if it is what you want it is what you want. I'd say it is a matter of taste rather than generational - I'm late fifties and couldn;t really care lss what people choose to call theves. My Ds changed his surname to something unusual when he was 18 never been problem - and his wife has kept her miaden name 9she actually likes my maiden name and syay if DS had changed his name to that she'd have taken his surname)

It seems such a minor and silly thing to fall out over, - you Mum won;t walk outh, don't worry about that - she'd look completey ridiculous, mad and childish. I would as others have said speak of it as a done deal - you aren;t asking for opinipns, you are passing on information, How they react is thier problem not yours.

cptartapp · 22/05/2019 12:51

You need to make a stand here OP and do what you want despite your DM's emotional blackmail. There is no way you should be prioritising your parents wishes over your DH to be. He comes first now. Your DM isn't your boss to be obeyed. Next, it'll be bringing up your DC in the way she sees fit. Have you always lived your life so massively concerned about her opinion? I wouldn't call that being 'close'. It's like a form of control. You need to step back or you'll have a rocky road ahead as you try to assert yourself as an adult.

BertrandRussell · 22/05/2019 12:52

There was a fashion for doing this in the slightly alternative world I lives in in the 1970s/80s.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 22/05/2019 12:53

I confess I did cringe when Dawn Porter took the O' from Chris O'Dowd's name to become Dawn O'Porter.

Maybe Dawn O'Dowd was too close to Dawn of the dead or maybe it was for her work but just taking the O seemed like taking the P.

In your case OP I'd have thought if anyone would have been upset it would have been future DH's family given that they would have expected as per the patriarchy his family name to be passed down to your kids if you have them.
If they've manged to come round to the idea then your family should really try and do the same.
What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet….Wink

SenecaFalls · 22/05/2019 12:53

lots will congratulate you as Mrs Husband and you can explain then.

This is why announcing it at the wedding makes sense. In my case, I didn't want 100 people coming up to me and calling me Mrs. Hisname when I was no such thing.

MrsCharlesBrandon · 22/05/2019 12:55

I had similar from Mil when I was pregnant with DD2; " I do hope it's a boy, DH is the last with his surname otherwise and that'll be awful!"

Ridiculous behaviour. Op, go ahead. Your mother will not show herself up at the wedding.

On a side note, aren't genealogists now advised to follow the Female line, as you can't falsify the mother? (Obvs not the case in adoptions)

SunshineCake · 22/05/2019 13:01

This has reminded me that I heard via a grandparent that my mother would kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding. The same mother who abandoned me, ruined my childhood, chose money and a man over having me back and ho I have had no contact for decades and at the time of the wedding it was at least eight years since meaningful contact.

I didn't invite her. I've been married nearly twenty years. She's still alive.

Lllot5 · 22/05/2019 13:10

I wonder why they’re so angry.
I could almost understand it if you were their son and they’d assumed your wife would have your name. But this makes no sense.
Some idea of you not being ‘properly married’ or your children, should you have any, not having a ‘real name’.
Whatever the reason I think you just have to go ahead and do what you have chosen.

viques · 22/05/2019 13:10

I would make sure that everything that can be named at the ceremony/ reception has your new name on it, order of service, seating plan, cake boxes, favours , that way when it is mentioned in the speeches everyone has had time to absorb the idea.

Ah, just realised it is next month so stuff like that is probably sorted. In that case get some thankyou cards printed off with your new name so there is no doubt in anyone's mind that that is what you are now called.

Have a lovely day.

SavingSpaces2019 · 22/05/2019 13:14

My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day
So don't take it out!
Stand up to these bullies - because that's exactly what they are.

If as an adult, you can't stand up to your bullying family and you allow them, to interfere in your marriage - you're setting a precedent for the future.
I can guarantee they will bully you when it comes to naming any dc you have and how they are parented.
They don't have any respect for you or your dp and are preoared to bully you into going back on a joint decision you made with your partner.

They will continue to interfere in your marriage and try and cause problems between you and your dp - stop giving them that power.

squirrelnutkins1 · 22/05/2019 13:18

I've only heard of it once and that was very recently and I really like the idea! Shame our 2 surnames wouldn't make anything but something ridiculous 😂

beachysandy81 · 22/05/2019 13:20

I like the thought of that as it creates a new combined history without having a really long surname. Think it might make family trees hard to follow though.

Double-barreling can't go on forever as people are going to end up with triple and quadruple barreled names in the next generation.

PeoniesarePink · 22/05/2019 13:28

Perhaps they all feel that by choosing a new surname, you're both turning your backs on your family histories? And remember your DC will have a different name to the rest of their family .......

I don't think they're right to have a tantrum over it but I can kind of see why they are a little concerned.

bluebluezoo · 22/05/2019 13:28

Bluezoo, calm your tits, I was genuinely posing a question about genealogy, not posturing. I know zilch about it

I misread it then.

But it has been said again^, and is often brought up on threads about why men don’t change their names on marriage.

I know fuck all about it too, so actually genuinely interested to know what might make it so hard for genealogists when a man changes his name, but not a woman

I am a research geek by trade and it just doesn’t compute.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 22/05/2019 13:29

For the family historians amongst us, all birth certificates should say Father - Peter Smithson, born Peter Smith and Mother - Ann Smithson, born Johnson. Or similar. How's that? Grin

Femalebornandbreed · 22/05/2019 13:38

Errrrr I think it’s a bit odd to be honest. Wasn’t aware you could legally just make a surname up. Every day is a school day!

I don’t see it as honouring both families though as your completely making a new name up.

bubblesforlife · 22/05/2019 13:40

I want to do the exact same thing, but my fiance is having none of me! He doesn't have a particularly nice last name, i'd really prefer not to have it.
My own name is really long, so from that perspective, i'd rather something new. I've worked out the perfect merge, and I really like it.

How do you talk him into it?

BogglesGoggles · 22/05/2019 13:40

I am super judgey about people who Male up names but it would never occur to me to tell someone not to. Really not my business what other people call themselves beyond making sure I call them by the correct name.

Switsy · 22/05/2019 13:41

Double-barreling can't go on forever as people are going to end up with triple and quadruple barreled names in the next generation.

Would they tho.

(Spoiler alert - no they wouldn't)

BertrandRussell · 22/05/2019 13:43

“Double-barreling can't go on forever as people are going to end up with triple and quadruple barreled names in the next generation.”

Jackiebrambles · 22/05/2019 13:45

I can understand how someone in the 'older generation' would be surprised by you doing this. Particularly those who were used to basically women always taking the man's name and there not being a choice in the matter! It is quite 'modern' to make up a name by combining your surnames.

I think it's a lovely thing to do, and you are both on board and you two are the only ones that matter. They'll get over it.

TreeSunset · 22/05/2019 13:46

Bloody hell, people are bonkers.
Neither of your parents own you or your name, you are your own humans.
Tell them it is your life, your decision like the colour of your hair/your children’s names/where you live/your job.

You will be announcing it at the wedding, if there are any more Pa comments then they are out of your lives.

Honestly, if they told you not to move house would you?

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 13:48

Double-barreling can't go on forever as people are going to end up with triple and quadruple barreled names in the next generation.

No, this doesn't happen. I live in Spain and when kids are born they are given their surname double barreled, FathersFirstSurname-MothersFirstSurname. Their kids take the first bit of each surname. Years ago it was always fathers surname first, but often now it's not. The kids take one part of each of their surnames and their kids have that, it could be mothers or fathers, people just aren't so hung up on it now.