I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

It sounds like your IL's on both sides are WAY too involved with your life and especially the finer details.
But also sounds like you approach things by asking for permission rather than informing them? Therefore opening up the discussion and for them to have input?

Conversation went like this:

'We're thinking of changing our name to ?£!"# - What do you think? Are you ok with that?'

Rather than

'we'll be changing our name to *&%%£$ and hubby has written a lovely speech about it all which I can't wait for you to hear'
'WHAT THATS RIDICULOUS, we hate that idea, no you can't'
'Sorry, we love the idea, are really happy with it, and aren't looking for any feedback on it actually. So please do keep your unnecessary negative comments to yourself'

I’m your parent’s age. If I was ever such an arsehole about such a sensible decision by one of my children, I hope they tell me that ir’s absolutely none of my business and to keep my mouth shut.

I'm really not sure what the issue is! The fact either set of parents even voiced an opinion is ridiculous. They might have thought privately oh that's unusual, because it isn't the most common thing to do, but really it affects no one other than you and your husband. Tell them to fuck off

LadyRannaldini You can change your name to whatever you like

Your first name certainly but your surname is different, it has implications for all kinds of legal documents.

You family have opinions on way too much detail. Stop consulting them, or they will in future assume their right to be.

Oh just crack on and do it. You don't need to "announce it" or make it a big deal. I don't know why you mentioned it to them. How will they even know?
My 80 year old mother wouldn't have a problem with it so it's not a generational thing - it's a control thing.

I had childhood friends whose parents had done this and I thought it was so lovely!

"My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc "

Why do that though? I think that is a little bit in Gender Reveal territory. It's unnecessary and you're getting married fgs, it doesn't make you any more married or the event any more special.

@LillithsFamiliar
Thanks. I don't know how I managed to overlook OP's update.

@LadyRannaldini
You can call yourselves any name you wish as long as it is not done with intent to commit fraud. However, I think if you have a professional qualification you need to do it legally. A name can be legally changed by Deed Poll or Statutory Declaration (We did the latter as we didn't have professional qualifications at the time).

My DP's parents made a big to-do when his sister married but kept her name: 'What a pity his name won't be handed down any more' etc, like they were the fucking Plantaganets or something.

And I've a friend who married recently and he and his new wife both changed their surnames to the same new one. His parents were furious, apparently. I don't know how they resolved it because frankly he and I generally have better things to talk about than weird family politics.

They need to get lives, basically.

LadyRannaldini my DH changed his surname by deed poll. It took minutes and he has not had a problem in 10 years. It would be the same as changing your surname on marriage.

I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation

Yes it was!

Your parents are awful OP! Stop discussing it with them. It's happening and that's final :)

Tell your mum the name will be announced at the wedding and she's free to make an idiot of herself in public if she so wishes. Then ignore any subsequent tantrum. I doubt she'll actually do it as she's likely well aware she'd look like a massive dickhead. And, if she does actually do it, everyone will know who the unreasonable one is. Dont' live your life for your parents, this is your time, enjoy it.

Unless he is called Laycock and you are called Cheeseman, I really can't understand this AT ALL

😂

You don't need to "announce it"

I have to push back on this, because you absolutely do. I kept my own name, and wish I'd not followed this advice from MN. It wouldn't stop those who think I SHOULD have changed my name, but would stop those well-intentioned people who just don't know better.

Especially since they will BOTH be changing! No one could reasonably know that, and most people would like to know the correct name.

Furious?? really?!
I am speechless. I wish you and your future husband all the best and much happiness, and strength [you'll need it with relatives like that].

I think it’s a great idea to combine surnames.

I wish I had done it, mainly because we would have ended up with Fanta.

LadyRannaldini is right. In order to change your name on your passport/bank account etc you’ll probably need a deed poll, but they take like 10 minutes to get.

The easiest thing would be for your husband to change his before the wedding, then he can sign the marriage certificate with it. Then you can use the marriage certificate as ‘proof’ to change yoursz

I've known a few couples do this and in each case the man's family has been really furious. But they get over it.

I guess parents of sons think handing down a name is an entitlement or something?

I wonder how easy it will be for future generations to do genealogy searches when people change their surnames like this

Presumably it will be as easy/difficult as tracing maternal lines where names are changed to something completely different on marriage?

Or are genealogists only bothered about male lines of inheritance? . Women are one useful as spouses and/or mothers of the male children where names can be followed through the generations....

I'm in my 50's as well and in my first marriage, kept my own name, then hypenated it and in my second marriage took my husband's. I didn't discuss it with anyone - it's my name not theirs. On the positive side, the reactions you've received from discussing it with the families in the first place has given you a valuable lesson for going forward in your marriage - decisions concerning your marriage (e.g. which car to buy, where to go on holiday, childbirth, etc) and anything else in the future, belong solely to you and your partner. If you make it a discussion with your families, they'll think you want input (and unsolicited advice). Once bitten . . .

my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation.

Firstly, that's total bull. I'm mid 50's and the vast majority of my friends kept their own name when they got married. Nobody ever expected me to change mine. In fact, most people would have been astounded if I had.

That said, your parents are being utterly ridiculous. If you want to combine your names to create a new one, that's totally your business. I'd call her bluff on her threats. Just say, "that's your choice. People may judge your behaviour negatively, but again, your choice". If she tells you what other people think about it, just tell her that their opinion doesn't matter as it's you and dh who will have the new name.

Shut them down every time they start talking about it. "You've already made your opinion clear. I don't need to hear it again". Tell them it's your decision and you are not asking for opinions.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

Why? They will get used to it pretty quickly so do what you want. That said, if you had decided to keep your own name, there would be no reason to change it when you have kids. None of my friends did and it was never a problem having different surnames.

Unless he is called Laycock and you are called Cheeseman, I really can't understand this AT ALL

What's wrong with Layman?

You totally don't need to publicly "announce" it. (of course you shouldn't feel like you can't ) but people get to know it through use. Or if they ask. Maybe I am in the luxurious position of no-one assuming I would change mine apart from 90 year old aunt in law

Just to clarify not double barrelling it would be like the example somebody used in replies e.g. Richardson and Howard = Howardson.

Nooo! Think of the generations to come who will be trying to do their family history - it will be a nightmare!