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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 22/05/2019 09:42

I guess it depends who instigated the divorce proceedings and if both parties mutually agreed to separate? Whose behaviour was unreasonable and what were the 'mental' issues?

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 09:43

Yes I’d see it as a red flag.

Original poster
Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:44

I don't know the details, he divorced her and I understand that it was not amicable (her mental health issues linked to pathological jealousy).

OP posts:
NotANewUser2 · 22/05/2019 09:45

Why would it be a red flag? Genuine question.

AudacityOfHope · 22/05/2019 09:46

Not having them overnight would make me think he's a shit dad.

Him claiming she is pathologically jealous would make me piss myself laughing and then run away very, very quickly.

ElizaPancakes · 22/05/2019 09:47

No to the divorce.

Yes because he doesn’t have his kids overnight (unless the reason is he lives in a shared house or something).

Yes because he’s clearly sowing the ‘crazy ex’ seed, which while it might be true, it’s far too early for him to be saying that.

HolesinTheSoles · 22/05/2019 09:47

It would be a concern for me. I would want to know who instigated the split and why. I'd also want to know why he doesn't have the kids over night.

Original poster
Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:49

@NotANewUser2
I feel like when the children are that young, their mother could be still a bit vulnerable and it looks a bit like adding more to her issues... don't know really, I probably deep inside expect a man to toughen up in situations like this for the sake of the children. On the other hand, no one should be forced to live in an unhappy marriage, we only live once.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2019 09:49

It’s difficult to know unless you know both sides of the story. I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a red flag to divorced so quick after having kids (kids are hard work and can put a strain on a relationship) but his reasoning of why would make me HmmHmm

What is his reasoning for not having them over night? And how does he speak about his ex? (Especially how does he speak about them her front of his kids)

wonderingsoul · 22/05/2019 09:51

I think its wise to be cautious but I dont think it's a red flag. Maybe a pink one.

People make mistakes and marry when they shouldn't. Shes could refuse to let them sleep over. He could live in a house shate/not have enough room.
And woman can be abusive To.

Inthinknid want to hear more. How does he talk about his ex wife? He doesn't have to sing her praises but he shouldn't be slagging her off ethier.

Sexnotgender · 22/05/2019 09:51

Ah the old my ex is crazy story.

I’d treat him with great caution.

Alicesweewonders · 22/05/2019 09:51

I'd want to know why he doesn't have them overnight. That would be a concern for me

isthismylifenow · 22/05/2019 09:52

Are you having second doubts about other things as well, or just this?

Not sure the divorce alone is a red flag, but I am wondering why he doesn't have them overnight though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2019 09:52

Him claiming she is pathologically jealous would make me piss myself laughing and then run away very, very quickly.

Given some of the nuttier posts you see women post on here it’s not beyond the realms of possibility at all that he’s telling the truth.

OP would you judge a woman who divorced her husband when her children were young? Loads of people do it, for all manner of reasons.

Not having them overnight is a whole other thing. I don’t think you can have much proper parenting taking place if it doesn’t involve bedtime and breakfast and a good chunk of day to day normality.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 09:52

I would judge a man who upped and left two tiny kids, one only a few months old. In my experience men who do this are selfish, can't adjust to not being number one anymore and are impatient with how the woman might have been impacted, both physically and mentally, by pregnancy, childbirth etc.

His ex's mental health was hardly going to improve by being left with sole care of two tiny kids was it? And the fact that he doesn't even have them overnight but you call him a good and involved Dad? Men really only need to do the bare minimum of acknowledging their kids to be praised don't they.

edgeofheaven · 22/05/2019 09:52

Red flag because if she's the mentally ill one then why does she have the DCs overnight but he doesn't?

Nickpan · 22/05/2019 09:53

would it be easier if you took the 'divorce' away. and think of them splitting up?

DeadDoorpost · 22/05/2019 09:53

DF divorced DM when youngest child was 1yo. DM was abusive towards DF though and he's already had a bad marriage beforehand. He was however extremely involved and we eventually moving in with him a few years later for similar reasons.

Looking back, I think DM may have had undiagnosed PND but she's also manipulative and prone to violence. She's got better as she's got older. I'm guessing she realised she can't manipulate us any more.

Sorry... went off on one there. I wouldn't say it sounds like a red flag, no. Not from what you've said.

stucknoue · 22/05/2019 09:55

It could be she simply didn't want him around so whilst it's a red flag, it may not necessarily be as bad as it seems. More concerned why he doesn't have them overnight

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2019 09:55

He doesn't have to sing her praises but he shouldn't be slagging her off ethier.

I’ll happily slag off my XH. I can’t really be bothered to but there’s plenty to say. We didn’t have DC but I wouldn’t think more of him if we had.

Ghostontoast · 22/05/2019 09:56

I’d like to know the ex-wife’s take on it!

So he divorced his wife when she had two very young children to deal with (baby and “terrible-twos” toddler). Probably leaving her impoverished as well.

She’s mental of course Hmm but not so much that he gave her a break by having the children overnight.

Naturally the fact that she could well have had have had post-natal depression that could have manifested itself in “mental behaviour”, and/or he may have elicited some of her “mental behaviour” by his actions/inactions!

Yes, a perfect Prince!

Ragwort · 22/05/2019 09:56

Yes I would consider it a red flag and, regardless of the facts of the split up, I just think dating anyone with children is going to be very challenging, esp. children that age.

Original poster
Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 10:00

Thank you for opinions, they are pretty much as divided as I am.
I obviously don't know any additional details. From what he said, he had a couple weekends away (work trips + staying for a couple of days after for sightseeing / travel), and she went crazy suspecting he is cheating, going through his phone and email, accusing him of imaginary liaisons with work colleagues etc.
I don't know why he does not have them overnight, he travels a lot for work maybe that's why.

OP posts:
Divebar · 22/05/2019 10:00

Look every relationship’s a gamble and there are plenty of men ( and undoubtedly women) who have issues that impact on them. Relationships split up every day. What I would be interested in is whether he seeks to taint his ex as mentally unstable while simultaneously making no attempt to have custody of his children ( or not seeking. 50/50 contact). How much does he actually see them - is it the bare minimum? Why doesn’t he have his children overnight? Maybe it’s not his choice and his ex won’t let him ( if that’s possible). My sisters ex is in my mind an absolute waste of space as a father... he has his DD7 one night at every other weekend but is always late collecting her. He never does anything nice with her, pays absolute minimum amount of maintenance, never contributes to birthday parties or treats, never takes her on holiday or considers it his job to cover child care for school holidays etc.If she has an event or party on his weekend he won’t take her. He essentially lives the life of a single man. But to an outsider he does see her and would look “ involved”. I guess for me if you are interested in having your own family it’s worth considering these kinds of factors.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/05/2019 10:00

I know a lot of men do the crazy ex thing, but sometimes the ex really is crazy. Not all divorces are the man's fault.
It might be that the mum doesn't want him to have the kids overnight and because they are little he has gone with her wishes and now it's just a pattern.
I'd be cautious but wouldn't dump him at this point. I'd look at whether he was paying proper child support, whether he willingly buys the children extras that he thinks they might need or whether he expects the mum to do everything. Does he prioritise seeing them above all else?