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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 22/05/2019 11:18

So he happily took himself off for a few holidays (work trips are understandable, staying on afterwards if his wife was struggling is not okay) when he had a 2 year old and 6 month old baby at home (probably even younger when the trips were happening) and then branded his wife as crazy for understandably being upset and anxious about this?

He doesn’t have the kids overnight but claims his ex has mental issues.

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband. I’d be very wary.

Kez200 · 22/05/2019 11:19

The thing that doesn't add up for me is the "crazy ex" and "him having them less than the Mum". Something strange there and, to be honest, if you already have a question mark, just move on.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/05/2019 11:20

My father walked away because of my mother's mental health issues. Everyone around us was very supportive that he need to put himself first. Us kids were left in the care of someone so volatile we had to barricade our bedroom doors at night. Fun times. Thanks Dad!

Is there proof of her irrational jealousy though, or is that just his side? Is it possible that it was actually rational jealousy?

The simple fact that he thinks the mother of his children is unstable and he left them in her care suggests either she isn't actually that bad, or he is a shit father who is not prioritizing the welfare of his children. I'd be careful...

AutumnCrow · 22/05/2019 11:20

That must have been an interesting divorce.

PositiveVibez · 22/05/2019 11:26

He may not have them overnight due to her actually being difficult about that

But surely if he was a good dad, he would have remedied this by going to court to have something in place whereby he could have overnight access - if for no other reason than to give them a break from their mentally unstable mother.

He does sound selfish OP.

I would be very cautious. Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it - because those niggles aren't going to go away.

StopSpinning · 22/05/2019 11:27

He extended work trips for sightseeing when he had a 2 year old and a baby at home! Need I say more....

Oh but his wife was the mental one....

marvik · 22/05/2019 11:33

I think sometimes in this situation it really is a no win situation.

My partners ex had bad post natal depression. But she told my (now) husband that he was not to tell anybody or get help for her, because then she'd never be able work again. (Probably untrue, but she made him promise.) He was concerned about various aspects of her behaviour which didn't seem right and which seemed potentially damaging to the children.

My stepdaughter now says it's pretty obvious to her that her mum, like other people in her family - has high-functioning autism which made life different for her, and probably harder in lots of ways.

My partner knew that his ex loved their two children and that as their primary carer she was the centre of their world.

Anyway when the marriage broke down beyond any possible repair, he could have gone to court and applied for residence. He might have got it, but it would have been a 'dirty' fight in which he needed to talk about every time his ex had had meltdowns or been unable to cope or shouted at the kids or behaved unreasonably to him. The children would have not understood why they could no longer live with their mother.

Sometimes it really is a no win situation. Maybe my stepchildren would have been better off if they'd lived with their father and me. Maybe not.

pikapikachu · 22/05/2019 11:35

The divorce is not a red flag but never having the kids overnight is imo. Why do you think he's involved if he never has overnights? How big and red the flag is depends on whether you want kids too. If you do then I'd take this as a warning of what will probably happen if you split up with kids.

pikapikachu · 22/05/2019 11:36

"The ex is crazy" is a line used by a lot of crap men. I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 22/05/2019 11:37

The mentally ill thing is a big red flag.

My ex left us for the other woman when our kids were 2 years and 10 weeks. I'd have run a mile if I were her

BitchPeas · 22/05/2019 11:38

The divorce in itself isn’t a red flag, the ‘my ex is crazyyyyyyyy’ and not having the children overnight are massive ones.

pikapikachu · 22/05/2019 11:40

If your ex is not a suitable parent, you'd apply for 50/50. It costs just over £200 and you don't need a solicitor/barrister. It's very unusual to get no overnights- even pretty scummy men get unsupervised overnight access after a short period of supervised access.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 11:42

I'm laughing at the fact someone has actually thrown the word "abusive" around. You don't know the full story but because he is the man in the divorce, he must be abusive?

Seriously. Yes, you can be concerned but can Mumsnetters for once just stop slagging of the man unless there is a real reason to, which the OP has yet to give us? We don't know the full situation and based on some threads you get on here some ex-wives actually can be crazy. Maybe the ex-wife was emotionally abusive and it's difficult for him to talk about? Maybe she was constantly spying on him? But that is all OK because according to Mumsnet women can do no wrong in a marriage. Or maybe it is his fault but we dont know that yet

Before anyone accuses me, i'm not a man. I'm just tired of seeing all the unjustified man hating on here.

Justaboy · 22/05/2019 11:44

Why does the OP not just ASK him for further detials of what happened and see if he has anyway of backing it up like court judgements or correspondence from that time?. There may well have been very good reasons for what happened and there may be good reasons why he dosent have the children now but untill you have ALL the information in place how can you make a reasoned and fair judgement?

I have all the paperwork from my 2nd wife divorce and did have a very similar situation with my first wife to what the OP 's partner had with very severe post natal depression or puperal psychosis as it was then termed. I could have left her but didnt and saw it through to the sad end it came to but it seems to me that this so far as got around as much reasoning around it as a witchcraft trial by old Matthew Hawkins;!

Justaboy · 22/05/2019 11:46

Sorry Hopkins!

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 11:47

@marvik very good points with that story. Everyone on here just love to say the man must be lying but we can't say for sure. The fact that people (like posters on here) roll their eyes at "crazy ex-wife" is why so many men suffer in silence with emotional abuse. Its just not taken seriously. A male friend of mine suffered awful abuse at the hands his ex (and he hasn't seen his DC is 10 years because of it) but the amount of backlash he has received whenever he tried to talk about it is disgusting and if he was a woman, he would have been met with loads of support.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/05/2019 11:51

no one should be forced to live in an unhappy marriage, we only live once.

That depends. How hard and how long did he try to make it a happy marriage? Having babies and toddlers can be a very tough stage for any marriage. He chose to have children with her and then left her not long afterwards. So was she showing signs of serious mental instability before he decided to start a family? If she was, it seems like an odd decision. And if not, then why did he leave so soon? Either way you are right, he left a mentally vulnerable woman alone caring for her very young children.

From what he said, he had a couple weekends away (work trips + staying for a couple of days after for sightseeing / travel), and she went crazy suspecting he is cheating, going through his phone and email, accusing him of imaginary liaisons with work colleagues etc.

Well, he is starting a liaison with you, and you work with him. So her version is not impossible. And he's warning you that if you do have a long-term relationship then you will be in a tricky position. If you start to wonder what he's up to there will be no reassurance from him. You'll just be the next irrational crazy ex.

And when you do a lot of travel already, and you have young children and a struggling spouse, extending business trips for sightseeing is very selfish.

I don't know why he does not have them overnight, he travels a lot for work maybe that's why.

No, that wont be why. Either he will be able to fit them into his irregular schedule, or he'll adapt his work practices to fit his children's needs.

There may be a good reason. But balance of probabilities says all this is a bit dodgy so proceed with caution, if at all.

thethoughtfox · 22/05/2019 11:54

Have her mental health issues resolved? If so, could be PND or just a normal reaction to the stress of two tiny children when your husband is leaving you alone for ' sightseeing' on top of being away for work. If not, why does he not have custody / or 50/50? If he says he has fought for it or she won't let him, where is the proof? The solicitor's bills, court documents etc

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/05/2019 11:54

I would ask him and take things cautiously. You're only hearing one side of the story and actions speak louder than words.

I agree with other comments above though, that either his ex really is a nightmare or he was the problem (tagging on a jolly to a work trip). Either way, getting yourself involved in that sort of dynamic is probably worthy of caution and extra thought/discussion.

Calltheguards · 22/05/2019 11:58

If I really believed my ex was crazy, I wouldn't leave my kids with my ex as sole parent.

Sounds like he was cheating on his first wife while she was vulnerable (just had a baby), he wanted a good time (hence leaving the kids) and left calling her crazy for reacting. The simplest answers are usually the correct ones. Run, run far away if you don't want to suffer a similar fate as a first wife. He probably sees women as people to be used.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 11:58

@AmaryllisNightAndDay that's a lot of assumptions you are making on a man you know nothing about nor have you been giving the full details of the situation leading up to the divorce...

Why do you assume he didn't try to make the marriage work?

Why do you assume he wanted the kids? What is they were an accident or the wife manipulated the situation and then she decided she wanted to keep them but he didn't?

But balance of probabilities says all this is a bit dodgy

No, the assumption that it's always the man's fault is why you think its a bit dodgy.

Bumpitybumper · 22/05/2019 12:01

I think the scenario as a whole is worrying and wouldn't get involved with this man. I think there are two plausible scenarios:

  1. The man had two children in quick succession with a woman with mental health issues and then unilaterally decided to extend his trips away from work so he could enjoy some leisure time away from said children and wife. He decides he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore so leaves pretty sharply after the second child and then doesn't have the children for any overnight stays despite knowing that the mother struggles with her mental health.
  1. The whole thing is a lie and actually he pretty much abandoned his ex with two tiny children and is now fabricating lies about his ex so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Either way I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:01

Do people realize that in most cases of custody, family court almost always favor the mother and her wishes for custody?

Some men hardly even get their say in these things. Once again we do not know the full situation

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:03

@Bumpitybumper so why is there not an option that the breakdown in the marriage could have been the ex-wife's fault?

ScreamScreamIceCream · 22/05/2019 12:03

OP I wouldn't get involved - not because he left when the kids were young but because if what he says is true then there is a good reason why he doesn't have them over night which means his ex-wife will have a problem with you and try to make your life hell.