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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 22/05/2019 10:38

I didn't have children quite that close together, but two small ones are hard work and if my partner was choosing to stay away intentionally I'd consider divorce.

This is going to be a man who sees his own children as his wife's responsibility, not his own, and probably the housework too.

If you're having fun going out, great, but wouldn't consider living with him or having children, unless you want to be a 50s housewife.

Karigan195 · 22/05/2019 10:39

  1. never believe what they say about an ex as they will rarely ever accept anything as their fault and funny how all ex’s are psycho

  2. if ex was that mental why did she get full residence and he has no overnight?

Yes I’d see this as a red flag

ANewDawn10 · 22/05/2019 10:41

I think you are being unfair here. Just because hes a man you are trying to find holes in his story. There could have been problems a long time into their marriage and maybe the baby was meant to try patching it up and it didnt work.
He may not have them overnight due to her actually being difficult about that.
I dont think its always the man that's the problem.

butteryellow · 22/05/2019 10:41

Adding extra days to work trips for sightseeing when he has a toddler and a baby at home with a mother struggling with her mental health? What a catch.

This.

And I know not all men do it, but I'm over 40, and in my working life, I've known a large enough percentage of men who use work trips to cheat on their partners to not be at all surprised when it happens. It's not at all rare.

timeisnotaline · 22/05/2019 10:41

6 months is so small, we were very much in the slog of having a baby then. The idea that a man could look at that , add in a toddler as well and think well I’ll just fuck off then... the idea that a husband could tack on sightseeing days for fun to work travel in that period ... I would have contemplated bloody violent murder if my husband had done that. So yes on those facts alone I call shit dad and shit husband.

Good spidey senses op.

DoxxedFox · 22/05/2019 10:44

Do you want to be the one in her position in a few years? You want the guy who rushes to get the last train home to do the night feeds, not the guy who adds a couple of days holiday to his trip in the sun.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/05/2019 10:44

He wasnt that bothered about his wife's MH problems or his infant children that he wouldn't leave them for jolly times away. I am also Hmm about his divorcing her for Unreasonable Behaviour when the unreasonable behaviour was clearly his. Add this to the fact that 4 years on he still doesnt have his children overnight yet his mentally ill Exwife is coping fine with them.

So many bells are ringing, it's like a campinology conference OP.

teyem · 22/05/2019 10:45

Just because hes a man you are trying to find holes in his story.

If a woman walked away from her toddler and her baby, claimed the Dad that she left them with was crazed and never had them overnight...do you think this thread would have gone better? Confused Grin

Chippychipsforme · 22/05/2019 10:48

The sightseeing bit is outrageous. When did she ever get a break to look at a church or exhibition by herself? At best, he's selfish, at worst he was cheating on her.

The big red flag would be how much he has the children now. He doesn't seem like much of a catch.

LadyRannaldini · 22/05/2019 10:49

Him claiming she is pathologically jealous would make me piss myself laughing and then run away very, very quickly.

Without knowing knowing more are you suggesting that women can never do wrong in a marriage? Maybe she was pathologically jealous, people on this site are always very quick to accept the woman's version of events within the marriage without collaboration, why are men not treated the same?

DulcieRay · 22/05/2019 10:51

I would want to know more but would see this is a red flag. Not because he's divorced, but because I've heard the "crazy ex" crap before (and am sure I'm called that by my ex!)

jay55 · 22/05/2019 10:51

Any man who brings up his exes mental state this early, in anything other than a sympathetic way, is waving a big red flag of excuses.

Leaving your wife with a six month old while she is struggling are not the actions of someone who believes in "And sickness and in health", is it.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/05/2019 10:52

It’s a bit suspect that he’s told you more about the crazy ex and why they split than say, why he doesn’t have his kids over night.Like PP have said, if she’s that unstable you’d think he’d try to have them as much as possible. And I’m sorry, he can’t pass going away for work and extending his trips for jollies While leaving his (supposedly) mentally unhinged wife at home with a baby and a toddler as a reason for his ex being unreasonable. Even the most generous interpretation makes him selfish and irresponsible. Personally I’d set my lowest bar much higher than that.

teyem · 22/05/2019 10:53

I'd have been pathologically jealous if my DH was out galavanting on an extended city break courtesy of work while I was up to my eyeballs in nappies, feeding, sleep deprivation and pepper bloody pig.

ScottishDoll · 22/05/2019 10:54

Cut through all the trimmings and this is really easy.

GOOD PARENTS DON'T LEAVE CHILDREN WITH MENTALLY UNSTABLE CARERS!

So either it is not true or it is and he is not beating a path to the court every day to ensure the best for his kids.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 10:56

people on this site are always very quick to accept the woman's version of events within the marriage without collaboration

It's his own version of events that people are criticising. She was jealous of him sightseeing whilst she had a baby and toddler at home, he doesn't have overnights despite her apparent instability.

ClarkeMurphy · 22/05/2019 10:57

he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young

I would be a bit concerned tbh. While nobody should stay in an unhappy marriage, I think most marriages have their difficult times and people should try to work through their issues first. The reasoning is concerning here - I'd have to figure out whether the ex was likely suffering from PND. And I'd worry how much time he'd give me to seek help if I ever have a mental health problem.

Not a "leave immediately" issue. But one to keep an eye on.

Didiusfalco · 22/05/2019 10:57

I’d run a mile. Why waste your time on this guy? Extra days for sight seeing when he’s got a small baby and toddler is taking the piss, especially when his wife was clearly struggling and not on board with it. Not having his kids overnight at those ages says lazy deadbeat dad to me. Talking about his ex being crazy - not a decent, respectful guy even if true.
The whole thing sounds messy and not worth it.

TeddTess · 22/05/2019 11:01

so...

  • he went away on work trips and extended his stay to "sightsee" whilst his wife was at home with a 6 month old and a 2 year old.
  • unsurprisingly she went nuts (figuratively) and he divorced her
  • he doesn't have his kids overnight (so she either can't be mentally unstable or he doesn't care about his kids)

red flag. sorry.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 22/05/2019 11:03

Divorcing when baby is 6months old is shitty behaviour in my book.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 11:05

It sounds like the 'sightseeing' happened more than once. I wonder how old the baby was when he first stayed away.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/05/2019 11:06

The 'jealous ex with MH issues' reasoning would ring alarm bells.

Hoggytat · 22/05/2019 11:08

Claims his ex wife had mental health problems yet instead of supporting her he added extra days to work trips for sight seeing.

Once divorced he does not have the DCs overnight so his ex-wife brings up DCs by herself. Yet he claims she still has mental health problems.

I suspect any mental health issue his ex wife had (if any) miraculously disappeared once they divorced. Tread carefully with this one.

CaptainJaneway62 · 22/05/2019 11:10

Sounds like the typical crazy ex story to me.
The leaving the so called mentally unstable mother with a toddler and a baby speaks volumes.
The fact he does not have them overnight also not a good sign.

For instance if she suffered from PND which is quite possible given that she had just had a baby why would a man walk out on a woman who was ill.
I know it does happen but it says a lot about this guy's character leaving his mentally ill wife with very young children.

You have only his word for this story and there may be some elements of it that are true, but what he has done here is put the blame solely on his exW!
It would be interesting to hear his exW's take on things.

Seeing as your gut feeling is telling you that there is something off with his story I would go with your gut feeling... It's telling something.

LovesNettles · 22/05/2019 11:17

I'm with Divebar - what would concern me is him leaving his children with a woman he considers mentally unstable, and not having them overnight to give them a break from her.

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