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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
managedmis · 22/05/2019 12:09

Sounds like he couldn't face bringing up two tiny children, left his ex to do it and even now still CBA to look after them over night?

Whether his ex is psychotic or not let's face it she's brought them up for the past 6 years or whatever.

He sounds like a Disney dad.

managedmis · 22/05/2019 12:10

which means his ex-wife will have a problem with you and try to make your life hell.

^

Ouch.

Once again, it's HER fault.

Lostalot · 22/05/2019 12:14

I would be surprised if it wasn't a red flag. This happen to me. I was left with the responsibility of 2 young kids due to his unilateral decision to leave. We are now divorced, I was even left with the responsibility of instigating that, after 5 years - it needed to be done and drawn a line under. They are encouraging no blame divorces now. I would take the 'divorce/blame/who instigated' out of it. But yes red flag.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:17

*Ouch.

Once again, it's HER fault.*

How do you know it's not? You are sat there blaming the man right away without any proof to back up your assumption that it's all his fault so why can't we reverse this and blame the woman?

ghostyslovesheets · 22/05/2019 12:20

well my ex left me when our third child was 4 month old - he told everyone I had made his life hell and was a mentalist …

he was on his third affair and left me for the OW

he now cheats on her - often tries to cheat with me!

he does have the kids over night though!

run a mile

Wheresthebeach · 22/05/2019 12:21

I think the issue is that you're concerned, so you need to do more digging. The situation isn't a red flag in my view, but you need to find out why he doesn't have the kids overnight. If he just doesn't want to, then you have to decide how you feel about that.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:21

Oh year, poor bereft husband with his meanie wife who complained about him dicking around on ad-hoc holibobs (I know you all hate that word Grin ) while she does the hard work.

user1497863568 · 22/05/2019 12:24

Hmm, maybe she was crazy because he was earninng bucketloads ( £250k+ )but expecting her to make do on £75 a week for the whole family by only keeping that much in the only joint account she could access and questioning every single purchase made from that and expecting any shortfall comes from her own income which is less than 5 times that. Sorry, just projecting my own massive issues at the moment which quite honestly have me feeling at the end of my mental health tether.

TowelNumber42 · 22/05/2019 12:25

When our DC were tiny, DH cancelled, shortened and delegated work trips wherever possible. He never ever extended them into a jolly. Me too.

My brother's wife is crazy. She should be an ex. Probably will be one day. He avoids leaving the children alone with her. He goes out of his way to make sure he has max time with them and she has minimal unsupervised time with them. This has required much inconvenience and much work trouble for him.

Your fella's choices don't match the good dad rhetoric.

CanILeavenowplease · 22/05/2019 12:25

Why do you assume he wanted the kids? What is they were an accident or the wife manipulated the situation and then she decided she wanted to keep them but he didn't?

Oh good god....so many posts say 'but you had more than one child with him, why?' Two accidents? Wife manipulated the situation twice to get two babies?

OP - does he claim to pay maintenance?

Bumpitybumper · 22/05/2019 12:29

@GreytExpectations
so why is there not an option that the breakdown in the marriage could have been the ex-wife's fault?
Fault is subjective. I tried to summarise the options objectively and I think option 1 holds true even if she behaved terribly.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:31

Nobody is saying "Poor ex husband" i'm merely pointing out that why people jumping to conclusions and assumptions based on hardly any information? Why is it assumed the ex-wife is not at fault in anyway?

Ridiculous double standard and hypocrisy on Mumsnet as usual.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:31

@Bumpitybumper there was nothing objective about your options. Both options blamed him so it is about fault.

Daenerys77 · 22/05/2019 12:32

It depends on what you want. He might not be the best person to have children with. However, if you don't plan on raising children with him, it could work out better than taking on someone with resident young children. I've never met anyone who thought being a step parent was easy.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:33

Because the degree to which the wife may or may not be at fault for the demise of the relationship is in no way relevant to the op and the issue of if this guy is a long term liability. Which, based on only the information that he has provided, he is.

managedmis · 22/05/2019 12:36

GreytExpectations

^^

From the information we've been given, that's what I've determined. He left when the kids were young, called his ex crazy and never had the kids overnight. That much we know. Maybe the ex is worst, but who knows? We haven't spoken to her yet, have we? It's just his side of the story.

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:40

Because the degree to which the wife may or may not be at fault for the demise of the relationship is in no way relevant to the op and the issue of if this guy is a long term liability.

Of course it is relevant! What a ridiculous thing to say. The reason for his marriage ending and why he doesn't have kids overnight massively impacts someone's view on if he is a liability. Otherwise she wouldn't be asking on here

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:45

From the information we've been given, that's what I've determined. He left when the kids were young, called his ex crazy and never had the kids overnight. That much we know. Maybe the ex is worst, but who knows? We haven't spoken to her yet, have we? It's just his side of the story.

Exactly, so if you don't know the full story then why blame him as everyone on here is doing?

A close friend left his wife years ago after being emotionally abused. He hasn't seen his children in 10 years because she manipulated the whole custody battle in her favor. So she actually is the crazy ex-wife, he technically did leave when the kids were young and no he doesn't see them either. Is any of that his fault? No, it's not. But according to everyone on here those 3 things together make it his fault even though you don't know the context surrounding them.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:45

It's ridiculous to suggest that, however much she is at fault for the break-up of the relationship, he was a scumbag for leaving her to manage the kids while she was struggling and he fucked off sightseeing. It shows his priorities, his sense of duty, his sense of responsibility to the children, his level of kindness. What she was doing have to hearing on his demonstrable lack of giving a shit about his kids.

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 22/05/2019 12:47

Bloody hell. He will be accused of being Jack the Ripper soon based just on information from few posts from OPHmm
I don't get why it is so hard to believe that ex wife may have really been unreasonably jealous. Let's face it, it's not that long there was a discussion here where quite some number of women said they don't want their partner having lunch with female colleague if it's only 2 of them🤷‍♀️

Op, I would ignore about 75% of highly speculating posts and just talk to him about it. Find out why he doesn't have kids, what happened etc. Have a proper adult discussion and go from there.

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:47

Sorry, shall I try that again...

In short...

He failed to help his family when he was needed. What she was doing or not doing in the relationship at that point has no bearing on that demonstrable fact.

Fireballfriends · 22/05/2019 12:48

I would judge a man who upped and left two tiny kids, one only a few months old. In my experience men who do this are selfish, can't adjust to not being number one anymore and are impatient with how the woman might have been impacted, both physically and mentally, by pregnancy, childbirth etc.

His ex's mental health was hardly going to improve by being left with sole care of two tiny kids was it? And the fact that he doesn't even have them overnight but you call him a good and involved Dad? Men really only need to do the bare minimum of acknowledging their kids to be praised don't they.

Yep yep this

teyem · 22/05/2019 12:49

Jack the Ripper - no.
Chocolate Teapot - probably.

mindutopia · 22/05/2019 12:51

People get divorced for all sorts of reasons at all sorts of times. That wouldn't necessarily worry me, though maybe does indicate that he isn't particularly resilient to the normal stresses of relationships and family life (having young children is hard and you can't just throw in the towel because it gets stressful and everyone is struggling).

But it's a massive red flag he doesn't have overnights. He doesn't sound like a good dad or a decent guy, and that makes it pretty clear that the divorce was more about shirking family responsibilities than any 'crazy ex-wife'. My dad never had me for an overnight after my parents divorced. He was in fact a bit of a jerk and didn't really care all that much for any of his kids and was never really involved in their lives growing up (I also have a half brother from his first marriage that he did the same to).

GreytExpectations · 22/05/2019 12:53

Thank you @InspectorClouseauMNdivision finally, someone with some actual sense posting!

Teyem, you don't know the situation surrounding the custody. It's very common for the family court cases to be manipulated by the mothers, who are often favored when it comes to divorce.