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Original poster

He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

269 replies

Dontknowanything · 22/05/2019 09:40

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

OP posts:
juneau · 22/05/2019 10:25

From what you've said it's not necessarily a red flag. However, I'd want to know why he doesn't have them overnight. They're not babies now and if they're to have a good relationship with him then he should be having them to stay regularly (EOW, for instance, or that plus a night or two during the week). So why doesn't he? Is it because he doesn't want them, or because the DM refuses to allow it?

bigKiteFlying · 22/05/2019 10:25

Adding extra days to work trips for sightseeing when he has a toddler and a baby at home with a mother struggling with her mental health?

This and adding in he's already doing the ex is crazy while being completely happy to leave his children with her most of the time.

Depends what you want from this relationship. I think he'd be a poor bet to have kids but maybe that's not in your future plans.

amusedbush · 22/05/2019 10:25

The divorce wouldn't necessarily be a red flag for me but the fact that he doesn't have his kids overnight would warrant further questioning. Does his ex not allow it or is he just a shit dad?

Justaboy · 22/05/2019 10:26

I would definitely want to know more.

So i think any resonable sane person would before they can make any sensible long term judgements. Untill you have the full facts and
information, albeit that might be awkward to come by, I don't know how else you can make a fair judgement.

In my past experince taking odd snippets of information out of the orignal context isnt any near fair or accurate to what did happen.

HelloYouTwo · 22/05/2019 10:26

I think from your POV this is a lose-lose situation

Either he’s doing you the old “my ex is crazy” line in which case he’s not a keeper for all the reasons outlined by PPs.

Or she really is mentally unstable, scheming, unreasonable etc. With 2 small children in the mix do you really fancy getting yourself into a ltr and potentially married / family situation with this guy? It’s hard enough being a second wife / stepmum with reasonable people, don’t go there when the ex is a nightmare, it will ruin your life.

DKmamma · 22/05/2019 10:27

She thought he was cheating on her, so he left her! Does that not seem suspicious to you?!

I was cheated on by my ex when he was on work trips. It does happen, and it taught me that men behave very defensively when they feel guilty, so OTT language like "pathologically jealous" would be a huge red flag for me. Sorry.

marvik · 22/05/2019 10:27

I think that - sadly - having children is a real test for relationships. People who got on well when there weren't any children and both partners were working full-time, do find that differences and tensions emerge and they're not always able to work through that.

Having been married for twenty years to someone whose previous marriage broke down when his children were small, I'd say that in these circumstance it is worth getting to know somebody a bit more - if you generally think that you like them.

Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 10:27

I don't know the details, he divorced her and I understand that it was not amicable (her mental health issues linked to pathological jealousy

OP it is TEXTBOOK abuser behaviour to pretend the person they abused us “crazy” so bear that in mind.

Peridot1 · 22/05/2019 10:27

Completely agree that adding in sightseeing days to a work trip when your wife is at home with young kids is pretty selfish. My DH travelled a lot for work and would spend the minimum time away even if it meant getting flights at stupid times.

I would bring that up and see what he says. You don’t have to accuse him of anything. Just see what he says.

Missingstreetlife · 22/05/2019 10:28

I'd think things would have to be quite bad to split with those ages, so either he misbehaved or she did. Can't tell which but I'd keep my radar on. Why did they have second child?

Theclearing · 22/05/2019 10:28

One of the worst mental health weekends of my life in retrospect was when my DH had to unexpectedly travel across the world when I had a baby and a two year old. It was awful.

I should say that now he travels for work constantly, away atm 5 nights a week, but picks up the slack constantly when at home, is vvvvvvv supportive of me and my fledgling business and I get away occasionally too. So he’s not a dick.

However. No matter how experienced I am now at sole care, I found looking after them on my own at that age very, very difficult. She likely did too. As ever, my utmost respect for single parents, you are truly amazing.

Purpletigers · 22/05/2019 10:28

He left his stressed wife with a baby and a toddler for a work trip and then extended it for a jolly ? I’m not surprised she was upset and jealous . If he instigated the divorce he’s a dick . Don’t get involved. I wouldn’t date a man with children if I didn’t have any myself .

Hopeygoflightly · 22/05/2019 10:30

Tricky, I think leaving children that young - baby in particular - means there must have been exceptional circumstances. I would question why he left the kids if the mother really was 'unstable'.
I would certainly be wondering why he doesn't have them overnight - again unless there are exceptional circumstances it's probably better for those kids to see their dad more regularly and for him to have them overnight even if it's just every other weekend.
Pretty much all the divorced dad friends I have are doing 50/50 or close to it for kids that age ...

teyem · 22/05/2019 10:30

What Hello said ^^.

Either he's the problem or she's the problem and either way you don't want to insert yourself into this toxic dynamic.

Bluestitch · 22/05/2019 10:32

What a completely unnecessary offensive stereotype of men here. . You may have had bad experiences but that does not mean all situations will be like that nor that all men think like that.

That's why I said in MY experience. And no more offensive a stereotype than the 'crazy ex' who apparently wasn't so unstable that it prevented him from leaving his vulnerable children in her care whilst he stayed overseas sightseeing.

TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2019 10:32

I think I would have an issue with him staying on to travel/sight see after being away with work when DD was younger (even more so if I had 2 kids). Like I said previously, children are hard work.
It doesn’t sound like your DP wanted the hard work of raising 2 kids.

From what you have said I would probably think this is more to do with your DP rather than his ex and it would be a red flag

PregnantSea · 22/05/2019 10:33

So she's apparently crazy jealous and suffering from mental health issues, and he's a really great dad, but he's happy to sit back and let this crazy person have his kids seven nights a week? Which is it?

I'm not saying he's a bad person and that's the end of it but I do think he's telling you the story in such a way that paints him in a very positive light. I think he's exaggerating and missing things out. In which case, the classier thing to do would be for him to not say much about his ex at all. I'd also be concerned about why he doesn't do much with/for his kids.

Overall I'd say his issues with his ex could be genuine and aren't really a red flag, but his lack of involvment with his kids is a big red flag to me.

I would tread carefully and reserve judgement until you know more about the situation, but it doesn't sound too promising so far.

DeadButDelicious · 22/05/2019 10:33

I wouldn't see divorcing while the kids are still young as a red flag, sometimes it's better for parents to be apart in order for them to be the best they can be.

I would however see him referring to his ex as 'pathologically jealous' as a huge one. I'd be very interested to hear what she had to say. That combined with the fact this issue is giving you cause for concern I'd be thinking long and hard about this relationship.

Missingstreetlife · 22/05/2019 10:34

Also, do you want to be stepmum, it's not that easy.

AutumnCrow · 22/05/2019 10:35

All the things you say you don't know, OP - that's a red flag

What your gut's telling you - that's a red flag

diddl · 22/05/2019 10:35

Staying afterwards when he didn't need to was pretty selfish-especially if he just assumed & did it with no thought to her.

If you've been on your own with young kids & are struggling then a couple of days tacked on to that can just seem endless.

Didn't he want to get back to his kids??

I know changing jobs isn't easy, but has he just carried on with his life & sees the kids as little as possible?

SD1978 · 22/05/2019 10:35

If she's unstable enough he divorced her/ one would assume that also establishing overnight access for his children to be with the allegeadly 'stable' parent would be a must? Not necessarily a reason to call it quits- but I would be very wary. And depending on the level of blame he places on the ex- and that it's because she not stable would sound like excuses.

Hopeygoflightly · 22/05/2019 10:36

I had PND with our baby and DP had to travel for work. It was nearly the end of us - DP insisted the work travel was essential, I disagreed and said I wasn't coping but DP did it anyway. It's taken YEARS to properly forgive DP for putting work first, but I can't imagine what would have happened if sightseeing had been added to those trips. At least DP kept them as short as possible, and did 50/50 when home.
DP could have easily walked out on us declaring me 'unstable' and unreasonable at that time...

thegreatcrestednewt · 22/05/2019 10:36

So her mental health was bad enough that he divorced her, yet he doesn't have the dc overnight? That seems odd. Listen to your gut, op.

Sexnotgender · 22/05/2019 10:37

If my husband decided to extend his work travel to add days for himself for sightseeing and travelling whilst I was at home with a new baby and toddler I’d be utterly furious.

He sounds like a selfish arse.