He divorced when his children were young, a red flag or not?

[Dontknowanything]

NC because it's a bit sensitive.
Met this guy through work / clients, seemed nice, genuine, funny and warm. We went on a couple of dates, and had all the usual "tell about yourself" talk.
From a couple of dates/ events he mentioned, I realised that he divorced his ex-wife after a brief marriage for unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young - around 2 years (oldest) and 6 months (youngest). He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).
Is it necessarily a red flag? I feel a bit uneasy about it and has been thinking about calling it a day several times already - but then start having doubts and second thoughts, I really like the guy otherwise.

How about giving some thought to starting your own thread, Greyt? You're derailing this one.

And yes it actually was he said, she said. There was no proof other than her (lying) words

Oh have you seen the court documents and police reports.

Again I don’t know how many times we need to repeat the same thing to you that that would NOT be enough for him to be denied any custody 🙄.

Why was a grown man going through a divorce involving a 17 year old girl anyway? Very odd.

No point starting my own thread and everyone will come laughing at me claiming my friend is a violent abuser.

ou haven't the first clue what happened in his marriage.

I do know what happened in his marriage as I've already said....

Why was a grown man going through a divorce involving a 17 year old girl anyway?

I wasn't 17 at the time....why are you stalking my posts? Very odd.

But you didn't know him when he was married. As you said, he last saw his DC 10years ago and you have known him less than a decade.

By his own admission he stayed longer than necessary away from home while his wife was at home coping with a baby and a toddler, so he could enjoy himself. Yet he thinks his wife was in the wrong.

He's telling you who he is. More fool you if you don't listen.

If you want to continue being sexists who blame abuse victims by all means, I didn't mean a decade literally. It was around that time but not sure exact amount of years. What is this, a murder mystery?

Doesn't matter, nobody wants to even try to understand so just leave it.

@GreytExpectations just walk away. This leads nowhere

OP, listen to what he has to say before making assumptions. Ask him to tell you the full truth. If he is hesitant than yes red flags.

@InspectorClouseauMNdivision Thanks, mumsnet is a very sad place at times.

I haven't RTFT but as I think others have pointed out, if her mental health issues were severe then he'd be a negligent father to not seek more contact with his kids. He can't have it both ways. The ex partner is frequently painted as batshit. And whatever she was like then, I'd be batshit now if I hadn't had a night off in two years!

My alarm bell would be ringing too - just something not quite right here.

NC for this.

I've been the jealous Ex, I had a 1 year old and was pregnant and he left me. I had 1 counselling session before he done the off and I had postpartum psychosis.

I wasn't in control of my own body or mind, my feelings towards him were pure love and terror that he could leave me which caused me to act even more irrationally.

Anyway he left and I've had to bring up our two DC's, I had therapy and realised that I didn't need to beat myself up about it but recognise how ill I was. I hasn't realised that my mind was to toxic that I had one voice screaming stop and one voice screaming but what if he leaves you.

Years later after all the therapy I'm in a good place now but I've been alone for years while he goes through countless relationships, that crushes me. If he just gave me some time to heal and get help we would still have been together today.

So I've been there, we may seem crazy but we're not trust me. We need help, support and reassurance.

Based on this I would judge him for it because I've been there.

HiFelicia

"her mental health issues linked to pathological jealousy" that strongly suggests to me she divorced him cos he cheated!

"Crazy jealous ex" usually means cheating, not having the kids overnight usually suggests he's not trusted (and he's clearly not that keen on challenging that while they're still young enough to need attending to at night) unless his housing situation is one where having the kids overnight isn't appropriate - but then that would make me think financially irresponsible.

Does he pay cm?

And even IF he's being truthful about her having mh issues bad enough to divorce over that means he was willing to leave HIS 2 VERY young and vulnerable children in her charge despite this rather than support her and more importantly them at such a difficult time.

I wouldn't have any respect for such a man and honestly I'd be very sceptical of what he's saying.

I'd say be very cautious at least. Though personally I wouldn't continue a relationship with someone saying this.

How old are the dc now?

Sodding off on jollies when his wife had 2 very young children to care for plus possible health issues is selfish at the very least!

Also remember at this point you ONLY know what HE has told you. He could tell you anything you've no proof.

Iirc decree absolutes are public record and show who divorced whom.

I wasn't 17 at the time....why are you stalking my posts? Very odd

Stalking on your posts 😂 it’s on the last page someone said you were 17

When a divorced man uses the "my wife was crazy" age old excuse it's a red flag. As he let's her have the children live with her and never even has them overnight this is either a lie or he couldn't give a shit what happens to his children. Either way he is not a decent human being.

Then add that he happily leaves his 'crazy' wife for longer than needed just so he can sight see you've got another red flag.

Your instincts are telling you this sounds wrong because it is. He can't have it both ways.
So is he telling lies? Or does he just not care about his children? Which ever one it is doesn't matter as either make him a a nasty piece of work.

The not seeing the children overnight would be a red flag for me. The divorce likely too as vows should be for life but it would depend on actual details not a version from one person.

From the OP we're told that;

He seems to be a good and involved dad now, but does not have them overnight (they are 4 and 6 now).

Now why can't the OP ask or find out WHY this is rather then the 269 odd posts we've had thus far speculating on the subject?

unreasonable behaviour / mental issues when their children were quite young

Note mental issues, that could have been severe depression, it could have been other issues like Phycosis rather then the "Crazy" woman involved?

That alone shows to me how we still regard a mental illness which seems to me to be very sad for a start.:(

So your suffering depression and it appears alright to be labled or called Crazy then ?. There may well have been good reasons why there was a divorce at that time untill the OP asks more questions and finds out more can anyone tell me how we are to make a reasoned judgement?

Of course the are a lot here who have had very bad experences of the man they were married to who was their partner but do we hear as much from those who are happley married who do have good supportive men around ?

No course not its only human nature to discuss the Bad news rather than the good is it not?.