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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
Bumbalaya · 21/05/2019 17:59

YANBU
You shouldn’t be paying a penny!
I don’t pay for my DSD her mum and dad do.
YADNBU.

LordNibbler · 21/05/2019 18:01

Whether it's fair or unfair, you married him knowing all this. So it's no good whinging about it now is it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/05/2019 18:01

I'm astonished someone on £30k has to pay spousal support.

How much does he pay exactly? In total?

Floralhousecoat · 21/05/2019 18:01

I remember your first thread on this topic where you were advised to stop paying for his kids, and that either the parents could pay or the dc could get part time jobs. How have things been since then?

klendraa · 21/05/2019 18:01

I saw ur other thread and it’s this simply: he shouldn’t be paying his ex any spousal maintenance at all

Depending on how much you have the kids, ur child maintenance may even be too high.

It’s that simple.

RozHuntleysStump · 21/05/2019 18:02

This old chestnut 🌰

Zebedee88 · 21/05/2019 18:02

Surely it should all stop when they turn 16?

theWarOnPeace · 21/05/2019 18:06

Why are you paying for them??

CatFaceCats · 21/05/2019 18:06

How old are they? To me - late teens would mean 18?!

Bumbalaya · 21/05/2019 18:10

@LordNibbler
Nonsense.
She can set a boundary whenever she likes.

ChoccieEClaire · 21/05/2019 18:14

If it was agreed as part of the divorce then there's nothing you can do to change it. What are the terms? How much does he pay for both maintenance's?

LordNibbler · 21/05/2019 18:14

Well it's a bit bloody late once she's married him isn't it.

Loopytiles · 21/05/2019 18:17

You owned your home; he earns what he earns and had a financial settlement with his ex W, and two DC.

Sounds like marrying him was not in your financial interests.

Waveysnail · 21/05/2019 18:18

How much does he give her a month in total?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:18

Why is it too late @lordnibbler the ex is living the high life! Child maintenance is paid until they finish their education,
19 at least. Spousal is paid for many more years!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:19

He pays her over £500 a month.

OP posts:
ChoccieEClaire · 21/05/2019 18:19

What things do you actually object to paying for? Do you mean just your money in general as you pool your money and he pays her out of that? Or do you then have to pick up more of the living costs as a couple as most of his money goes to her? Or do you pay for tangible things for the twins?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/05/2019 18:19

He landed on his feet when he married you eh Grin

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:21

Not really @notsucha
My house was inherited, we live in a cheap housing area, it’s not worth very much.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 21/05/2019 18:21

Is he ok paying it? It's him that would need to go back to court.

OKBobble · 21/05/2019 18:22

Why is he paying spousal maintenance at all? He can apply to the court to vary the order especially qs he does not have a high income. However I assume that there must have been a reason it was agreed to.

LordNibbler · 21/05/2019 18:22

What I'm saying is that perhaps you ought to have considered his payments before you got married to him. I totally agree that they are ridiculous and unfair. But you joined your finances with a man knowing this. This was not in your best interests, and surely you would have known this before you got married.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:25

The payments were agreed by the court. She wouldn’t agree to the divorce until he agreed to pay her monthly sum, she wanted more. He feels it’s his payment to “get rid of her”!

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 21/05/2019 18:28

Why did you not sort this out before you got married.
He now gets half of your home if you divorce
So the kids are going to end up with at least half of your money anyway.if not all of it if you die first.
Really do not get why you married him.
Hopefully you haven’t and are just using dh instead of dp.

SpecterLitt · 21/05/2019 18:28

Nope, nope and NOPE. The children are his and the ex's responsibility, you are not financially responsible for them nor should you be.

The spousal payments are a joke, tell him to get a solicitor and address this issue, there may be a way out of it for sure. He can also go through the courts and get all payments reassessed. This is all his responsibility and for him to sort out, tell him to get up and sort it as soon as possible. He is being taken advantage of.

Please do not feel you owe his kids anything financially, you do not.