Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 22/05/2019 07:05

£500 is a reasonable amount of maintenance for him to pay. I was expecting you to say that was spousal maintenance and then CM was on top of that. Really don't get why you're complaining. He should be paying it though not you. If he isn't you have a H problem not an XW one. She'll hardly be living the high life on 6 grand a year.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 07:05

No they both pay for everything as she gets £500 a month for them! She could work more hours but chooses not to, why would she when she can claim benefits and get money from her ex!

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2019 07:05

And again, do you really think it costs £16 per day to raise a teenager? If you think your husbands' £500/month is enough?

Because that's £8/day per child. That barely even covers the cost of school lunches!

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 07:11

And again Adaline why are you dismissing the fact the mother should also contribute?? Why is it just the job of the father to pay?

OP posts:
klendraa · 22/05/2019 07:12

@adaline

The mother should also be contributing the same amount. So that’s 16 a day

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 07:13

You’re not answering the questions!

Why are YOU paying? What does HE contribute? And do you seriously think that £500 a month is the end of it and she contributes zero?? YABU and ridiculous. He’s got kids, he should be paying towards them, get over it. Imagine your husband not paying for them, he’s then got a free house and doesn’t pay for his kids. That would be lovely!

plunkplunkfizz · 22/05/2019 07:15

This is why we have courts, they would have done all the calculations.

If only Judges in our woefully underfunded justice system has the time to get their calculators out and go into the detail of every order. I doubt they even have calculators provided in some courts...

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 07:15

Yes I pay towards their upkeep when they come to us.

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 22/05/2019 07:16

I think £1000 per month to raise two teenagers sounds about right. Food, clothes, phones, after school clubs, sports equipment, housing costs, driving them everywhere, possibly driving lessons,.

What you are objecting to is their lifestyle.

The solution is to challenge the level of support in court. But you seem to ignore that suggestion and just want everyone to agree she is greedy and lazy. She may well be, I don’t know, but you are stuck with her.

adaline · 22/05/2019 07:17

I know that @klendraa.

I still don't think £16 per day is a lot of money for supporting a teenager.

Dippypippy1980 · 22/05/2019 07:17

If they go to university the costs will skyrocket.

Ginger1982 · 22/05/2019 07:18

YABU. £500 per month is not that much. They stay with you 'several nights a week.' How many nights exactly?

adaline · 22/05/2019 07:19

What are on about @ilovemycatmorethanyou?

The sixteen pounds I quoted is the contribution from both parents. As it stands your husband is paying £500 per month which is £16 per day, so £8 per child.

So assuming the mother contributes the same, that's still only a cost of £16 per child per day - since when were teenagers that cheap?!

Besides, the £500 your husband pays includes spousal support so his actual maintenance is much lower - not really something to be proud of Confused

BarrenFieldofFucks · 22/05/2019 07:21

Do you think the 500 covers the total cost of everything?

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 07:21

Maybe talk to your DH about covering their costs himself. It’s not the ex wife’s fault that you and your DH have got this kind of relationship. Him giving her £500 is a joke, if my DH suggested that after a split I would laugh! It’s a drop in the ocean. Unless you’re going to provide a breakdown of what you spend on them over and above this, then you’re just projecting all you issues into her and that’s it. If you think the ex wife spends less than £500 a month on them then and has done since they were little, then clearly you really don’t understand how much they cost. Your DH sounds like a cock lodger to be honest.

Knewyouwerewaiting · 22/05/2019 07:22

How long ago did they divorce? Spousal maintenance is rare these days as a clean break is preferred.

Did your h earn more when he was with her?

Also everything goes in the pot before it’s divided up on divorce so that would have been pensions, equity in the house, savings, other assets etc. Maybe he kept the pensions and savings to compensate or something.

Also is he happy with the arrangement? You’re obviously not but does he want to change it? If not you will have to suck it up.

It does seem a lot to me as my pays £28 pm for two children but then I got most of the equity in the house.

Somersetlady · 22/05/2019 07:22

You are absolutely hilarious @ilovemycatmorethanyou if you think she’s not contributing all of the £500 to raising the teenagers!

So your husband is only paying for his children that he presumably chose to bring into the world?

Knewyouwerewaiting · 22/05/2019 07:23

*my exh pays £28pm I mean

Ragwort · 22/05/2019 07:25

You seem to be exceptionally bitter towards the ex wife.

You knew he had twins when you married him, why don’t you just set a limit on what you can provide towards household expenses and then just stop going on about it.

And you are studiously avoiding answering any questions about why you have started exactly the same thread that you had a couple of weeks ago.

CanILeavenowplease · 22/05/2019 07:26

Ah yes, the lazy, greedy ex blah, blah, blah....a woman you only know through your partner’s eyes, someone you have no real contact with and certainly don’t know what she might be doing to, say, seek a better paid job, upgrade her skills, or bring in extra money. She is working and is probably part time so she can be around for her children. You can gloat all you want when her retirement is penniless because of the missed pension contributions. It really is up to her to manage her household as she sees fit and if you think the amount of spousal maintenance is what is allowing her to work 12 hours a week, you really are deluded.

RoseAndRose · 22/05/2019 07:27

How much if the £500 is CM and how much is SM? Because it's not a lot just as CM for two.

I was just wondering if the SM is a peppercorn amount.

NCforthis2019 · 22/05/2019 07:27

So it’s £500/ month in total for both kids? That’s not that much!? You don’t have children - you’ve underestimated how much it costs. You’re hatred of the ex wife is clouding your view. Of course she must pay for the kids as well - you’re mad if you think you can bring up two teens on £500.

Missingstreetlife · 22/05/2019 07:28

Don't teenagers have a Saturday job any more?

flowery · 22/05/2019 07:29

”I object to the spousal maintenance not the child maintenance.”

”I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.”

Which is it? And why has your “hard-earned cash” got anything to do with it? Are you paying the £500 or is he? Obviously you shouldn’t be!

RancidOldHag · 22/05/2019 07:31

"Don't teenagers have a Saturday job any more?"

Not in large numbers, no. Employers prefer over 18s, possibly because f safeguarding paperwork.