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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 21/05/2019 20:03

Given you have no housing costs I don't really see how you are paying?

Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 20:08

Divorce him and claim it yourself.

CanILeavenowplease · 21/05/2019 20:19

But you should go back to court about the spousal maintenance

It is certainly unusual. However, if it is court ordered and nothing has changed since the order was made, it’s unlikely taking it back to court would change anything.

bethy15 · 21/05/2019 21:11

But you should go back to court about the spousal maintenance

Why do people not think this is fair (ironic as if the woman were posting for advice for the divorce, she would be advised to go for as much as she can)?

We don't know any of the details of their divorce. She could be actually taking less than she would be entitled to. We don't know how their assets were split, how the house and pensions were split, if at all. Perhaps he doesn't have to split his pensions.

The husband agreed this was fair, as did a judge, so I don't see that taking it back to court will change anything at all.

lifebegins50 · 21/05/2019 23:42

*We don't know how their assets were split, how the house and pensions were split, if at all. Perhaps he doesn't have to split his pensions.

The husband agreed this was fair, as did a judge, so I don't see that taking it back to court will change anything at all*

Completely agree. You can't just decide one part of the deal no longer suits when it was agreed previously. OP implied £500 to be CMS and SM which isn't the high life. CMS would be around £320 per month so SM could have been awarded to ensure she had some income until pension age as he retained all the pension.

If his circumstances have drastically reduced he could take it back to court but otherwise a deal is a deal. He signed up to it and I guess had legal advice.

The OP didn't say they are struggling or going without so there is resentment and I suspect that is coming from disappointment in the relationship and the money is the scapegoat.If we assume both earning 30k, net approx 24k so that is 48k joint net. Out of that they pay approx 2k towards ex, so 96% of their joint income will be retained. I don't think that is worth getting hung up on.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/05/2019 02:42

£500 a month isn't much money especially if he's not paying rent or mortgage.

Also what lifebegins50 said.

Seems to me your relationship isn't great & you're directing your ire towards his ex instead of tackling him. His ex wife's lifestyle is nothing to do with you. How is focusing on her going to help you?

But your husband is to do with you & it looks as if you can't or are fearful of telling him to go back to Court for a revision. Not that I think he'd win - I think you know that too. He is obliged to support his children. & Spousal maintenance element can't be that much.

Also as a pp said previously, as your husband he is entitled to a share in your property and eventually his children could end up with it anyway.

Unless it's love's young dream and you're planning kids etc I never understand the point of a woman re-marrying, especially when you've more assets than your partner. Co-habiting makes sense sometimes.

You're making it sound a bit 'poor him, having to pay out all that money' but I reckon he's doing ok. You've provided free housing and no doubt share the bills (real reason for your resentment...?) so his disposable income is fine, he's not shouldering anything alone at all. You've facilitated that.

Monty27 · 22/05/2019 03:57

OP you are funding him. 30k is a good squeeze rent free. His DTS are reaping the benefits all round. And why wouldn't they?I hope he's paying his way towards housekeeping!

Alicewond · 22/05/2019 04:05

This is why we have courts, they would have done all the calculations. Yes it’s absolutely nothing to do with you, it’s about him, his ex and his children. What he earns now and what he previously earned including pensions or shares they will take into account

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/05/2019 04:35

Go and see a solicitor and see what can be done about the spousal maintenance. It's ridiculous that he should still be paying that, especially when his own income is only very moderate.

Solicitor.

CJsGoldfish · 22/05/2019 04:46

I'm not really sure what you are saying? Is someone asking you to contribute above what is reasonable?

If so, of course you shouldn't be obliged to pay. Doing so if you don't want to will just breed resentment. I'm also not sure why you would have to anyway as, if your DH does not have any rent/mortgage to pay he shouldn't need you to contribute to HIS financial responsibilities.

Though I think spousal maintenance is ridiculous and I can't believe it's still a 'thing', if the amount you quoted is BOTH child maintenance and spousal support, it really isn't that much. If that is just spousal, yeah, I'd be speaking to a solicitor.

NorthernSpirit · 22/05/2019 05:31

It’s completely upto you whether you pay anything for his children. Your husband lives rent / mortgage free and you pay for bills, living costs.

I’m also a DSM to 2. I paid the deposit on our house and a further £125k to renovate the house. I pay more than half of the mortgage, bills, food, running costs.

EW is still lording it up in the FMH which won’t be sold for a few more years (so my OH won’t get his equity out until then). EW only works 16 hours a week (refuses to work any more). Earns £10k so isn’t able to take on the £250k mortgage on the property.

OH pays £700 pm in CM.

I’m happy to pay half the running costs of the house, feed then. But that’s it. I don’t pay for clothes, their holidays. Their dad is happy to pay for them (as he should he’s their dad). I hear all the time ‘mum said you can pay’. We no.... I tell you what... get off your backside and start earning (directed at the min and of course never said to the kids). Not my kids. If mum can’t be arsed working hard luck (kids are 11 & 14 BTW).

Iris1654 · 22/05/2019 06:02

If the spousal maintenance is in the court order, you can go back to court and have it reviewed. If you loose, the court may order for the sum to be capitalised and that amount paid in full.

He made an agreement, it was deemed fair by the courts and he should honour it.

Is it a global order? If it is, removing the spousal without capitalisation will just push up the child element.

Honestly you married him with the “debt” 🙄 and it’s tough.

It’s a tiny amount of money my spousal/ child is significantly more.

adaline · 22/05/2019 06:21

£500 a month (which includes his spousal maintenance) for two children is hardly a lot of money, is it? It's only £8 per day, per child.

To be honest, you should have thought about all of this before you married him. It's a bit late to complain now when you knew the score beforehand!

Antst · 22/05/2019 06:22

I'm sorry, but you have no right at all to demand that he stop being a responsible parent. You chose to marry him. You knew what you were getting into.

I'm sure you know that any parent is responsible for his/her kids. You don't get to decide that he ditches his old family for you. You don't get to decide that they're teens and therefore don't need financial support. You don't even get to judge the wife because you have no idea what her situation is. Maybe she gave up work at one point to take care of the kids and now can't get a decent job.

If you don't want him to have this responsibility, get divorced and find a man who doesn't have it.

KnittingForMittens · 22/05/2019 06:28

Absolutely not BU. I do not pay for my husbands kids either. The way I see it is that they are his problem, not mine! I got my own to pay for.

hopefulhalf · 22/05/2019 06:29

adaline I was going to say the same thing ! I have 2 teens and £500 a month is a drop in the Ocean, it would barely cover school lunches and bus/train fare. Thats before you put a stitch of clothing on their back or a crumb on their plate. If he is on £30k that leaves almost 2,000 after tax, with minimal living costs that sounds ok to me.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 06:51

Just a reminder the £500 is their father’s contribution, shouldn’t their mother also be paying towards them or does she get a free ride?

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2019 06:54

Of course the mother should contribute equally.

Do you really think it costs £16 a day to raise a teenager?

River86 · 22/05/2019 06:55

How much is child maintenance and how much is spousal contribution?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 06:57

I know exactly how much teenagers cost! They’re not even mine!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 07:00

You’re also forgetting they stay with their father and I for several nights a eeek and EOW.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 22/05/2019 07:01

How old are the late teens?
Why has he never got a solicitor to review the spousal maintenance?
How long were they married?
How long since they split?
Why does she only work 12 hours-what does she do?
Are you paying this £500 or is he?

adaline · 22/05/2019 07:02

So why marry a man with children if you resent them so much? He pays £500 for the upkeep of his kids - if they lived with you full-time they'd cost him much more than that per month.

Food, uniform, school dinners, books, phone bills, laptops/computers for school, clothes, school trips, pocket money, activities, clubs, trips to the cinema or bowling or days out with friends, haircuts...:

Ragwort · 22/05/2019 07:02

Why are you still going on about this? Didn’t you like the responses you got last time?

adaline · 22/05/2019 07:03

Nobody's forgetting that at all.

She still has to provide a home for them, and I presume she pays for things like uniforms etc.