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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
HerondaleDucks · 23/05/2019 14:54

I think plantpotparrot is basing this on herself as well.
At the end of the day people will not agree with your stance and you can argue about it as much as you like but at the end of the day I think the ex in this story is in the right and I'm a step parent!

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:09

basing what on myself? I don't have a teenager who needs monitoring 24/7 nor does dp have an ex wife who I fund! I cannot possibly be basing my opinion on myself because I am not in this situation.

However, contrary to popular belief I am allowed an opinion.

herondale I have never said the ex wife is "wrong" but I do think she could work and obviously chooses not to. I disagree that she should get spousal maintenance, that's really all I have said.

justju · 23/05/2019 15:11

It's their divorce settlement. Why is it anything to do with you?

On the plus side, the young lads will probably loathe you so much for attacking their mum that they won't want to spend time near you. Win! You'll save even more £££.

JacquesHammer · 23/05/2019 15:12

I disagree that she should get spousal maintenance, that's really all I have said

But you know nothing about the divorce settlement etc.

It might be that it is a perfectly reasonable settlement taking other circumstances into account!

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:13

just that was unnecessarily vicious wasn't it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:15

Jaques maybe it is, but I still don't think a woman with teenage children should be getting spousal maintenance from a man earning 30k a year. Regardless of their settlement, things change!

The whole point of this thread is - is the spousal maintenance fair? No I don't think it is!

if we are not allowed to give our opinions on that then why has anyone posted on this thread?

Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 15:16

The point is none of us know if it is fair or not as we don’t know the details of the whole financial settlement.

HerondaleDucks · 23/05/2019 15:17

I don't know how on earth you could have a teenager at 23???
So I'm not sure how you would know how much they cost and how reliable and independent they are.
I have an almost 14 year old dsd and I would say she easily costs us over 300 a month extra to running costs of a household. She also eats us out of house and home because she's a growing girl.

So I can't even imagine what it would be like with teenage twins!

JacquesHammer · 23/05/2019 15:17

Regardless of their settlement, things change!

Sure, in my very first post I suggested they take legal advice. Of course it could be upheld though.

The whole point of this thread is - is the spousal maintenance fair? No I don't think it is!

That's my point though - you can't possibly know because you have no clue of the minutiae of the settlement.

if we are not allowed to give our opinions on that then why has anyone posted on this thread?

Who has said you're not allowed - I'm responding to you on a forum, that's kind of the point!

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 15:19

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hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:21

herondale dp is older than me and had dss young.. doesn't take a genius to work it out.

HerondaleDucks · 23/05/2019 15:23

Well I certainly hope you don't display any of these opinions to him regarding how much he costs and what his mother is entitled to

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:24

mini bitter about what exactly?

I choose to work full time, I don't have to. I choose to contribute and be a part of DSS life because I want to. I don't contribute towards his maintenance, and I don't suffer because of any money paid in maintenance. What do you think i'm actually bitter about?

or are you just having a dig because I don't agree with you?

women don't have to go straight back to work, and I have never once said that, if you have the luxury to choose what hours you do or don't work, that's great. All I said was that the ex could work but chooses not to, which according to the OP is true.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:26

I have never once commented on what his mother is entitled to. His mother does not get spousal maintenance, so its not about what she's entitled to, its about what he's entitled to in maintenance, and he gets it and more so please don't judge on something you know absolutely fuck all about.

Similar to you, I have been there for DSS when his mother hasn't. I have taken him away on holiday, his mother has never once done that, I buy him new clothes, his mother doesn't.

I know what he costs because I control our finances, not because I have an unhealthy obsession with it, or I try and minimise what I spend on him. He gets the same treatment as DS does, I don't spend crazy amounts of money on him either.

Dont be so judgemental.

Xenia · 23/05/2019 15:29

That is wjhy plenty of people choose not to date people with children - it is bound to be very complicate and difficult. I would not move a man in here as all my money is for my children.
I have always woerked ful time (and paid my husband on the divorce - not vice versa - we both worked full time even with tiny babies).

In this case there are no rights and wrong but no obligation to pay for food for his teenagers of course.

My twins cost £50k a year by the way at univesrity as I pay their fees etc so don't assume parents' costs stop when the children reach 18. However if the parents' incomes are quite low then they probably will get more than a minimum maintenance loan of £4k at university so it may not be that expensive by that stage.

HerondaleDucks · 23/05/2019 15:33

I'm sorry plantpotparrot but you have also been incredibly judgemental. And I am allowed an opinion as much as you are.

I completely respect what you have done and are doing but I disagree with some of your points regarding this situation.

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 15:39

All I said was that the ex could work but chooses not to, which according to the OP is true

And??? There’s nothing wrong with choosing to work part time and spend more time with their kids. The amount he’s paying is hardly much for two teenagers.

It’s probably better for the kids to have a parents who’s around more, so it’s a win win for everyone - except the OP who wants more of her partners money for herself.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:39

judgemental against who exactly?

I haven't said the ex is unreasonable, I haven't judged the OP. I have stated my opinion on a lot of things that you have said but I haven't judged your choices either.

you seem to have created an opinion of me and how I treat my step child based on absolutely fuck all, which is absolutely ridiculous to be honest.

You're allowed an opinion on OP and the information she has provided, as that's obviously why she has posted, but your opinion of me and how I treat my stepchild, which you clearly know absolutely nothing about, is totally off and actually incredibly offensive.

VanGoghsDog · 23/05/2019 15:41

This whole thread is really odd.

Firstly - spousal maintenance was not 'awarded' by the court, the DH and his ex took their agreed settlement to court who rubber-stamped it, as is incredibly common. It appears the DH feels he was railroaded into agreeing the SM by his ex refusing to divorce if he did not (he could just have waited it out and done the 5 years though).
If he wants it reviewed he would have to ask the court to look at it, which is odd since he agreed to it.
The fact the court did not order it shows there are no special circumstances the ex was relying on to get the SM, there may be some, but she did not rely on them in a court hearing.

Why the OP thinks she is paying to support his ex wife I have no idea.

She lives with a guy who has x income which is reduced by y due to his commitments. Such is life.

I agree there is no reason she should pay vast sums towards activities for his kids. But statements about not wanting to pay for his wife are just odd, she isn't. It's coming from her DH money.

So, the OP's problem is with her DH, how he uses his remaining money and how they share finances generally, fund joint costs and fund his kids when they are with them. Nothing to do with the ex wife at all.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 15:42

hithere I never said there was anything wrong with it. I disagree that £500 is "hardly much" though. Again, you must be quite privileged to think that way.

Don't most people want family money for themselves and not being sent to someone one of them used to be married to? ( I am specifically talking about spousal maintenance here, not child maintenance) I am not sure many people are explicitly happy about paying spousal maintenance.

I am not sure you are entitled to say its better for them to have a parent who is around more, as we don't know the circumstances. They may well prefer to have a parent who works FT and be more financially comfortable, or they might be really glad to have their mum at home. What works for one family does not work for another.

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 15:50

I disagree that £500 is "hardly much" though. Again, you must be quite privileged to think that way

No I am not privileged but that amount for two teenagers would barely cover their expenses. His take home pay is £2k and he’s in a double income household so he has more than enough money.

I am not sure you are entitled to say its better for them to have a parent who is around more, as we don't know the circumstances

In what circumstance is it better for the sole parent to be out of the home 45/50 hours per week inc travel with dependents?? Surely that’s completely obvious. I get some people have no other option.

Also “family money”? His main family are his two biological children.

HerondaleDucks · 23/05/2019 15:53

You called someone a dick up thread when they questioned you. Fairly judgemental and frankly in areas rude comments. I feel you have made judgements about pp posts and have made bombastic retorts to suit.
If you think I'm offensive that's fine. This is the internet and quite frankly if you call people names because they disagree with you then I think that would have led me to make my earlier comment about hoping that you don't talk like this in front of your dss.
I'm going to leave you to it now, you're coming across as very immature.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 16:01

I am not privileged but that amount for two teenagers would barely cover their expenses. His take home pay is £2k and he’s in a double income household so he has more than enough money

I disagree that it would barely cover their expenses. It doesn't have to cost £1000 a month to raise 2 teenagers (assuming mum is matching what dad pays which she no doubt will be) We don't know the circumstances of OPs finances either.

and as for "family money" well he and OP live together, and have shared money so it is family money in that they are married, the family money also pays for maintenance clearly. She's pissed that family money is getting used for spousal maintenance, she hasn't complained about CM.

herondale I did call someone a dick because they were picking apart my posts even though I had explained several times, just to try and disprove my point. Talk like what in front of my DSS? I have an opinion in real life if that's what you mean, and i'm happy to call someone out on being a dick when they're acting like one. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm not coming across as immature at all, you have pre judged me and been proved completely and utterly wrong.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 16:02

In what circumstance is it better for the sole parent to be out of the home 45/50 hours per week inc travel with dependents??

well if that parent working affords them a better lifestyle, more opportunities, nicer things etc then I think its pretty obvious that it would be better. Obviously money isn't everything but it certainly helps, no?

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 16:03

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