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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 21/05/2019 18:28

YANBU to not want to pay it but not much you can do now is there. I'm guessing he was in this position when you married him? Always amazes me that people don't think these things through.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2019 18:29

So do you object to him paying for his children or just his wife?

Because why shouldn't he pay towards his children?

Does he actually see them?

TantricTwist · 21/05/2019 18:29

Well child maintence stops once they reach 18/19 so from then on he won't have to pay more than just the spousal support ever again as she will and should be saving that money towards any future costs the kids may need ie a new car, deposit for a house, uni costs etc.

Let her pay for all of it and get him only to agree to pay for the kids unless she terminates the spousal maintenance costs and gets a job like any one else would have to once they hit 18/19.

Your DH doesn't earn enough so she's taking the piss if she carries it on after that.

Monkeyssplit · 21/05/2019 18:30

How much do you think a man who leaves his wife and children should have to pay? £150 a month? Do you think that would sufficiently meet his responsibilities of having a family and then changing his mind? Am assuming he was the one who wanted the divorce given you said he had to give her this amount to get her to give him a divorce.

Drogosnextwife · 21/05/2019 18:30

Do you mean you actually pay money out of your own wage, or you share money therefore you are annoyed that he doesn't have as much to share?

PerfectPeony2 · 21/05/2019 18:30

What exactly do you pay for now then? Is he wanting you to pay for more other than the food bill?

Do you have a good relationship with the twins?

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2019 18:32

ilovemycatmorethanyou

He could take this back to court and have the agreement revisited if he wanted to.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2019 18:33

How long ago was that set?

He can go back t ocurt and ask for an adjustment, reduce the spousal element! I don't think many judges would be happy with the figures you have given.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:34

I object to the spousal maintenance not the child maintenance. She is able to work only 12 hours. He is very fair and pays what he should be doing for his children quite rightly. The split was mutual but he moved on and she didn’t, hence her holding up the divorce because she could.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 21/05/2019 18:34

It's depends on how long their marriage was and the sacrifices she made (especially joint decisions) I'm planning on claiming spousal because I lived in 4 cities, including overseas and let him climb the ladder with him never needing to worry about our sen DD's, he wants now to get a younger model. The law considers anything over 10 years a long marriage and £500 isn't a lot of money (even if it's a lot to you)

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/05/2019 18:35

Surely it should all stop when they turn 16?

Why? It won't stop for the Resident Parent when they turn sixteen. How many financially independent 16 year olds do you know?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:36

They come and stay with us several nights a week.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 21/05/2019 18:37

You don’t owe his children or his ex anything. YANBU.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 18:38

£500 is a lot of money if you’re earning what he earns. It’s all relative, if he was earning big bucks he’d be paying an awful lot more.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/05/2019 18:38

She wouldn’t agree to the divorce until he agreed to pay her monthly sum, she wanted more.

The court grants the divorce with or without her agreement. Otherwise an abusive spouse could withhold permission for a divorce. That said, they like to put in place an agreement that is mutually acceptable to the parties.

He needs to find a new solicitor to review his case and advise him on the possibility of getting the spousal support modified. A lot will depend on her ability (not willingness) to earn a living.

IvanaPee · 21/05/2019 18:39

People are going to keep jumping on you even though you’ve said you don’t object to child maintenance. Just to prepare you!

You’ve committed the unforgivable crime of being a second wife.

But you should go back to court about the spousal maintenance. That’s insane.

theWarOnPeace · 21/05/2019 18:40

But why are YOU the one paying?

Also, it costs more than £500 a month to raise two kids. Hardly keeping her in the lap of luxury is it.

Nearlythere1 · 21/05/2019 18:41

OP have you actually taken any action on the back of your last post? Because you're asking the exact same questions and you're going to get the exact same answers... Stop paying for the kids' extras, and tell your husband to grow a set and get the spousal support reviewed. That's exactly what you were told last time.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 21/05/2019 18:42

I remember this exact thread a couple of weeks ago, what’s changed since then?

Somersetlady · 21/05/2019 18:43

£500 is only 6k a year. If his wife was at home with the children and had a career Pre kids she would probably have lost out on far more than this through earnings!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2019 18:45

How much do you think a man who leaves his wife and children should have to pay?

Where does OP say he left her?

Bbang · 21/05/2019 18:46

Look you really need to get him to go back to court and get the order varied, it’s not that difficult or expensive to do. People keep telling you this but if neither of you will do it then what can we do?

Sorry if this sounds blunt but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you could easily get half hour free to go chat with a solicitor about the situation to get the spousal issue sorted he just has to make the effort. Until then there’s nothing anyone can do for you to make you feel any better.

And no I wouldn’t pay for his kids, don’t know how you would male that work though you’d have to sit a figure out finances. Maybe if you stopped paying for them he’d be forced to take it back to court.

BedraggledBlitz · 21/05/2019 18:46

The spousal maintenance bit sounds ridiculous.

But...if he's paying £500 to cover two teenagers' monthly outgoings I think that's fair enough. It works out at about £60 per week for each kid. Food, clothes, travel, phones, pocket money etc all add up.

slipperywhensparticus · 21/05/2019 18:52

500 a month really isnt the high life

And around 30 000 a year with no rent mortgage etc is fine dont see why you should pay anything towards his kids your saving him a fortune

DuchessOfAdler · 21/05/2019 18:53

With regard to the spousal maintenance, now she works 12 hours a week you say? but that's hardly a great career that she could have saved from and invested in to a pension from is it?

It would have been hard to get right back in to good career earning instantly with no childcare costs after twins!! So if she stayed at home then it's a case of equalising that sacrifice.

My x is currently paying nothing though! On the grounds that I have a job now. So many men think that the financial sacrifice of parenthood ought to be primarily the mother's.