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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
PerfectPeony2 · 21/05/2019 18:53

So it’s £500 for everything including CM and SM... Hmm That’s not excessive at all for two children.

converseandjeans · 21/05/2019 18:53

I agree he needs to continue to pay for his DC - however I don't understand why she can't work more hours if they are late teens and also spend time with you. She needs to work FT. The spousal support is ridiculous. If he was earning millions it might be different.
Also late teens should really start looking for some PT work to give themselves some pocket money. I started working PT at 16 - summer after my GCSE's to get some cash for clothes and going out.

Mymessymind · 21/05/2019 18:54

Is the spousal support separate from child maintenance?

DuchessOfAdler · 21/05/2019 18:54

I don't blame you not wanting to fund his children but you're not. He is. You have to view it like being with a man who earns less?

bethy15 · 21/05/2019 18:57

But he must have told you this before he married you?

I don't understand your problem really. He has to pay from his income, and as pointed out, it's 6K a year from 30K, whereby he doesn't have any rent or mortgage to pay.

I doubt she's living the high life on 6K from him as she has two teenagers to feed and clothe and all their expenses.

He's a father, he'll always be a father, even when his kids turn 30, if you didn't want their expenses, you shouldn't have married someone who has two kids he'll have to support for a while (kids are leaving home later now and are not as independent due to property prices).

Cherrysoup · 21/05/2019 18:58

Solicitor needed. If the dc are staying at yours several times a week, are you 50/50 residence? Then your dh probably shouldn’t be paying her anything. Spousal maintenance? Why can’t she work more hours? That’s ridiculous!

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 21/05/2019 19:00

You're getting exactly the same advice as the last thread. You haven't taken any of it. What do you want to get out of this thread?

Ragwort · 21/05/2019 19:02

Is this the same thread you started the other day? Why are you asking the same questions? Surely you knew this before you married him.

It’s up to your DH (& the Court) to agree what’s appropriate.

Just contribute what you can to the household expenses (& stop moaning about it).

JacquesHammer · 21/05/2019 19:04

I received spousal maintenance (suggested by my ex-H) for two years.

I think your partner absolutely needs to take legal advice about whether a review is appropriate.

BarnabasTheMaineCoon · 21/05/2019 19:04

More fool you for marrying him.

lifebegins50 · 21/05/2019 19:09

I don't think you can look at the monthly payments in isolation as the agreement took into account equity, pension, savings, her potential income, his income etc.

This was likely to be the fairest way to balance the divorce at the time so I don't think its wise to reopen the deal..it could get worse for him. I don't think 6k p.a is ths high life and it is this "thinking" that is causing resentment.
She is raising 2 children as a single parent so life will not be easy for her. Try to focus on your happiness and what you have rather than on what she has.

What is causing you to reflect on this sk much? Are you unhappy with aspects of your life?

Notonthestairs · 21/05/2019 19:11

What percentage of the 6k is spousal support?

Bookworm4 · 21/05/2019 19:12

If they live with you several times a week he shouldn't be paying maintenance, the ex can work more than 12 hrs pw; her kids are 16!!

gamerchick · 21/05/2019 19:14

Tell him to engage legal advice and take it back to court to see if anything can be done about her money. It's your only option.

If he won't then you need to suck it up. There no point in forever complaining about it.

Lovemusic33 · 21/05/2019 19:14

If it’s £500 on top of child maintenance then I can see your point. If he’s just paying £500 a month for everything I think that’s not too bad. My ex pays £200 per month for his 2 teens, it’s not much but he’s earning less than £18000 a year.

You say ‘your paying for his kids’ but what do you mean by that? Is the money coming out of your earnings?

You knew he had children when you got with him, you knew he would have to pay money for them?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2019 19:15

You were told he needed to take this back to court. Tbh £500ish for 2 kids isn’t that bad.

mcmooberry · 21/05/2019 19:19

Can you clarify if it's £500 in total or that is her portion? MY DB pays £400 plus half all their trips/clubs for his two DDs on a similar salary to your DH.

EffYouSeeKaye · 21/05/2019 19:19

Get a solicitor and see about going back to court for a review.

Afterthestorm · 21/05/2019 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrCoconut · 21/05/2019 19:34

I'm Shock at people thinking this isn't much money. I'd consider £500 a month to be very generous. It will be on top of earnings and presumably tax credits or universal credit on 12 hours a week. It's equivalent to a second part time salary but doesn't reduce means tested benefits (maybe why the ex prefers to receive money this way than work more?) The rights and wrongs of it are a separate debate but it is not a small sum.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2019 19:35

Does he pay child support on top of the £500?

It's not clear what is child support and how much is spousal support?

The child support won't last forever. I would think at some point she would be expected to get a job ...or is he to feed and house her for life?

I can see this is why some men leave the country..... if marriage means somebody becomes your dependent for life.

PollyShelby · 21/05/2019 19:39

I'd happily pay £500 a month for someone to raise my teens

Fiveredbricks · 21/05/2019 19:39

Then he should've waited out the 5yrs and the divorce wouldnt have needed to be 'agreed'. Also OP he can take her back to court now and get it nullified. No one on less than £30k a year would be expected to pay £500 towards their ex wife's lifestyle with adult children.

Unless you're not in the UK and then yabu for not stating so.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2019 19:47

Fiveredbricks

It is my understanding (I may not be correct) that even after 5 years there still needs to be an agreement on a financial break.

Otherwise the other party can come back after many years and claim off you

givemesteel · 21/05/2019 19:51

So on 30k a year is his home is just under £24k,so he's paying 25% of his salary to fund his kids. I really don't think is excessive and many parents will spend over half of their income housing, feeding and generally supporting their kids.

Him paying her spousal maintainence once the children turn is clearly not fair though so he should get legal advice on changing this.

But unfortunately when you married him you do rake on financial responsibility to an extent I'm afraid. My understanding is that your salary as the step parent will be taken into consideration for the loan amount allocated if either child goes to university. So there will be an expectation that you continue to give financial assistance through university, so until 21-22.