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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 22/05/2019 07:33

OP you just sound bitter she only has to work 12 hours. The man agreed to pay this to her it’s his own fault.

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 07:33

How many nights a week are they with you?

I'm presuming with £500 a month, she is equally contributing. There's two of them, with food and uniform and clothes and activities, it all adds up.

You seem very bitter about their father contributing to their life. I'm sorry, but it's what he should be doing. What would you prefer, he stop and you two can go on more holidays and they can't afford to eat or travel to school?

He will forever be tied to all three of them. He might have to dip into his pocket even more if they go to uni. He's their parent and it doesn't end when he got together with you.

Knewyouwerewaiting · 22/05/2019 07:36

What’s the proportion of child maintenance to spousal support?

Pa1oma · 22/05/2019 07:40

OP - you need to be 100% clear here or the answers will be confusing.

Please answer this - Of the £500 your DP pays per month -

What proportion of this is Child Maintenance?
What proportion of this is Spousal Maintenance?

Or do you mean the Spousal Maintenance alone is £500?

PLEASE CLARIFY this before the thread goes any further.

Also, on your thread yesterday, you were complaining that your have totally separate finances to your DP - ie when you go out for dinner or something you split the bill. So you yourself are not directly paying towards the ex or your DP’s children, are you?

Iris1654 · 22/05/2019 07:41

What the xwife does is not of your concern. She can work 1 hour or 52, frankly it’s nothing to do with you. ( if she got a full time job, you would try to pay nothing wouldn’t you)

His contribution is based on what’s he earns/ agreed at court/ can afford to pay.
HE STILL HAS TO PAY FOR HIS CHILDREN!

He sounds like a good dad...you on the other hand are a disgrace.

Quartz2208 · 22/05/2019 07:41

So it’s £500 overall so probably around 25% of his salary with I suspect a 200 spousal to 300 child

OP you married him knowing he had kids and that amount to pay it’s not going to stop

Belenus · 22/05/2019 07:45

Say he's on £28k. That gives him a take home of £1880, less if he's contributing to a pension. Taking off £500 leaves him with £1380 and no mortgage or rent. That's a fair whack of money. I mean maybe not by MN standards of people earning 100k pa but for most of us, that's plenty.

I'm not sure what the problem is here OP. Without a mortgage himself, he's bringing in enough to support himself, his children and to a degree his ex wife. And yes, he needs to pay for them. If he were still married and she were choosing to maintain the home whilst he worked he'd still be paying for her. I'd try to see past your bitterness towards her and work with what you've got.

Afternoonteadelight · 22/05/2019 07:46

You sound really bitter and that you don’t like them very much.
£500 pm isn’t really the high life you know.
It sounds as though your ex is happy with the arrangements, it’s just you twisting the knife.
Poor kids

WinterWife · 22/05/2019 07:48

Not sure whether you wanted a pity party or an argument OP

adaline · 22/05/2019 07:50

Not sure whether you wanted a pity party or an argument OP

Probably both Hmm

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 07:53

if she got a full time job, you would try to pay nothing wouldn’t you

Perhaps this is why she is working PT, she may suspect that if she were working FT he or his wife may try to end any contribution towards his children?

ltk · 22/05/2019 07:54

He entered into a really shitty legal arrangement with his ex. If I remember correctly from your last thread, it will last another 7ish years.

You (understandably) are angry about this arrangement as it it eats up so much of his monthly pay and goes to fund his ex's PT work while you both work FT. Given that you have the dc roughly 50/50, you are entitled to feel hard done by with this arrangement.

But... there is nothing you can do about this. They live 50% of their lives in your home. They will eat and drink and want to go out and there is no good way for you to avoid a lot of those costs.

It is up to your dp to renegotiate the settlement. You can do nothing about it.

You can either make your peace with this, or ask dp to move out and take care of his dc himself. Without you in the picture, I assume that his living expenses would make a 500/month payment while having the dc 50/50 completely untenable.

Eggshellnutmeg · 22/05/2019 07:54

Why do you think the ex isn’t contributing? If she is?

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 07:57

£500 is about right on the CSA calculator for his salary. He has two kids to support, get over it!

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 07:58

OK thanks all, it’s starting to get nasty so I’ll bow out gracefully! No flouncing I’m just not interested in engaging with posters who know a tiny snapshot of my life.

The double standards on this forum never cease to amaze me, If i’d been the mother and not the SM in a similar situation the answers would have been entirely different.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 22/05/2019 07:58

You shouldn’t have married a man with kids if you were going to be resent. Poor kids, you sound like a horrible step mum!

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 07:59

Yes bow out now you’ve not got the selfish answers you were looking for. Goodbye

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 22/05/2019 08:00

£500 for two kids doesn’t seem a lot to be honest. My ex earns around £36K a year and pays £275pcm for our 4 year old

lifebegins50 · 22/05/2019 08:02

£320 would be CM so the Ex wife gets approx £45 per week, which I bet was in lieu of pension or other assets or to pay of accrued debts.

The myth that the Ex wife lives the high life, in luxury is ridiculous. Reports show mothers are financially worse off than Dads after divorce.
What would happen if you had £45 extra per week, would your resentment and bitterness go?

The envy for the ex wifes life won't go away so it's best for you to use it to figure what is lacking in your life.. something is a trigger and I doubt it's the SM payments.

Are you happy with your husband?

ltk · 22/05/2019 08:02

The CSA would not be taking 500/month if he has the dc 50/50. He is paying for his children as they live with him 1/2 the time. OP doesn't say how uniform/clothes/shoes etc are dealt with, so ??

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 08:02

@miniloso thanks for underlining my point so beautifully!

OP posts:
Miniloso · 22/05/2019 08:08

No problem. You are being petty and horribly selfish. Your choice to marry a man with kids. What they sorted out via the court for his stranded family is nothing to do with you. I just hope your obvious resentment and bitterness doesn’t seep into your interactions with his kids.

Get used to it, he’s going to be paying for them and a tiny proportion to his ex for many years to come, and if he’s a decent, caring father, for some time after.

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2019 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pa1oma · 22/05/2019 08:17

You would get meaningful answers if you actually were clear about how much if the £500 is Spousal Maintenance.

I suspect it’s very little indeed which is why you’re evading this question.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/05/2019 08:18

How can she possibly support three people merely on £500/month and 12 hours wages?