To think a not-insignificant proportion of MNers genuinely have no clue...

[TheTitOfTheIceberg]

...what it's like to not have much money?

This is not a TAAT but it's been prompted by a recent comment on a thread which was just the latest in a long line that make it clear that what some people take for granted is far beyond the reach of others. Which in itself is fair enough and hardly profound - this is a website with members across the whole economic spectrum, after all. But I've observed many times that there are some posters who, when the OP says "I can't afford X" seem downright disbelieving. "But it's not that expensive / it's only the equivalent of [some other luxury item which the OP is also very unlikely to be able to afford]".

Or when an OP is posting in bits - and clearly is in quite straitened circumstances - about their DP being an arse, someone will invariably post "book a night in a hotel/weekend away with your friends at a bloody spa no doubt and leave him with kids" without any apparent recognition that for some of us, a night in a hotel or a weekend away is something that has to be carefully budgeted for if it's even financially feasible at all.

It's not the disparity in incomes between posters that bothers me; there are plenty of no doubt comfortably-off MNers who post sensitively and helpfully in all kinds of situations. But there is a tranche who just seem oblivious to their financial privilege or to the fact that some of us are living hand to mouth, month on month with nothing left over after rent/mortgage, essential bills and food have been paid for, and then seem incredulous when we don't pay for, as standard, the goods or services they take for granted.

AIBU to find this both irritating, and an illuminating (sometimes bonkersly endearing) window into a world I will never inhabit, on my below-national-average salary with my disabled-and-no-longer-able-to-work DH?

YANBU - see also people with no clue what it is actually like to be out of work and desperately seeking employment etc etc, but still feeling able to sit in judgement.

YABmassivelyU to assume that these people have been comfortable all their lives and never experienced that kind of situation themselves.

Like one of my FB friends who constantly complains that everyone else has it easy. No one has a perfect life. You don't know what anyone else has gone through to get where they are.

YABmassivelyU to assume that these people have been comfortable all their lives and never experienced that kind of situation themselves

well its fair to assume they have not been in that situation or a similar one if they cannot understand it.

ChicCroissant surely people who have struggled financially would be more sensitive to the fact that not everything can afford the things they now can?

As I said, it's not all of the comfortably off that my post refers to. I don't begrudge anyone their wealth and I certainly know that not everyone has it easy. I'm referring specifically to those who don't seem aware there is a financial position to be in that's very different from their own comfortable one.

Bless, my sibling is like that. We were on the bones of our arse and facing the possibility of losing our home and my sibling breezily asks if we'd like to go on holiday!! Clueless. Absolutely clueless. Not an ounce of malice intended (giving them the benefit of the doubt) but just absolutely no comprehension at all of what it's like to have no money when no money means NO money and not "thousands in savings I just don't want to touch".

not everyone* can afford

But if they have experienced it themselves, Croissant, why are they now so clay-footed when it comes to others in the same boat?

YANBU, OP. My favourite is when people say more than once ‘There is absolutely no way I can afford said item’ and someone pipes up, ‘It’s a tough one OP, but I think in your shoes I’d find the money from somewhere’. Where - the magic golden pot at the bottom of the garden?!

YES Elbows, that's exactly the kind of mindset I mean. (And I hope you managed to save your home, btw. Been there and it's not fun.)

“Just get a cleaner/nanny” is another one.

I put onto a thread that I got my last pair of jeans for £3.50 from a charity shop.... there was tumbleweed.
I properly killed that thread until someone came back with Boden or somesuch, apparently cheap as chips jeans from Boden for £80 or something. ( that would feed my family of 4 for 2 weeks).

I don’t mind well off folk but yes, no clue about being skint.

Well, if they do understand Croissant then why post the types of comments the OP is referring to? The ‘oh but it’s only the price of a coffee - you can afford that, surely?’ etc etc.

YANBU OP

The answer to lots of things on mumsnet requires money

‘Oh just get a cleaner, it’s just the equivalent of a couple of coffees’
Have a spa day
Take up a hobby - which requires childcare and/or money

I think your OP is a bit folk lorey (never actually seen the much fabled skint person told to go to a spa advice) so not sure how accurate it is.

Conversely, I see a lot of assumption that everyone is very poor (how can you suggest she does xyz, some people are using foodbanks you know) not everyone is very poor either.

I'm reasonably comfortable financially just now but 5 years ago it was a different story. I remember a clueless rich aunty of mine being dumbfounded that I was at the very limit of my overdraft. She literally couldn't comprehend it.

YANBU.

YABmassivelyU to assume that these people have been comfortable all their lives and never experienced that kind of situation themselves

Why is that unreasonable? No one has a profile where they detail their life, why on Earth is it unreasonable to make certain assumptions based on what they post?

see also people with no clue what it is actually like to be out of work and desperately seeking employment etc etc, but still feeling able to sit in judgement

This. Some posters seem to have no understanding that some people only have themselves to depend on to provide an income, and don't have a high earning partner or wealthy parents to subsidise their lifestyle. It's very insensitive.

I’m not sure why this is a surprise to anyone?

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with a large income? Or many children? Or disabled? Or with an abusive husband? Or within a different religion?

Why does it surprise you that your experience isn’t universal?

My favourite is when people say more than once ‘There is absolutely no way I can afford said item’ and someone pipes up, ‘It’s a tough one OP, but I think in your shoes I’d find the money from somewhere’. Where - the magic golden pot at the bottom of the garden?!

I have to admit I used to be this person. I'd say oh if y o u put aside x a day you can get x in whatever amount of time. Then I became a stay at home mum after ds3 and I remember trying to convince the electricity people that we were going to pay them, and standing in aldi with less than 20 euro in mostly small change in a bag trying to make it go towards a few days food for 5 of us and shaking at the till in case I dropped any money or I'd worked it out wrong. They've just never been there and they'll never get it until they are

I feel a lot of ppl exaggerate on here . The ones who have the money don't talk about it imho.

You mean taking in ironing doesn't solve all your financial woes?

But there is a tranche who just seem oblivious to their financial privilege or to the fact that some of us are living hand to mouth, month on month with nothing left over after rent/mortgage, essential bills and food have been paid for, and then seem incredulous when we don't pay for, as standard, the goods or services they take for granted.

I think there are an awful lot of posters on MN who understand the above exactly, yet choose to pretend they are in circumstances they are not.

Passthecherrycoke the spa thing has definitely passed into MN legend, hence why I put it in strikethrough to indicate it was a semi-joke, but I have seen OPs who have mentioned in the course of their posts about their useless/entitled DPs that money is tight receive the recommendations to leave the DCs with said DP and book into a hotel / spend all day in a coffee shop / go for a night out with their friends. I remember more than one where the issue was the DP going out drinking regularly with his mates, spending money the family couldn't afford, and the above suggestions were part of the "leave him with the kids while he's suffering with his hangover" tit-for-tat approach.

While experiences are not universal I think people should read the OP better and think a bit before they post. If some one says they cannot afford £15 on a child's school trip, it's ridiculous to say, "Oh come on, don't be so mean, it's only £15," as I saw on a thread once. If some one is telling you they cannot afford something, believe them and don't be so bloody patronising. You don't have to have lived the same experience, just have a bit of imagination. Same as posters who say things like, "Can't you rustle up a bit of cash on the side?" when someone says they cannot afford to go on a holiday that costs £4,000. Think about it - all those headlines about children living below the poverty line, food bank usage on the rise, evictions on the rise etc - if everyone could "rustle up" thousands, these headlines would not exist. So have a bit of cop on and again, imagination, when you are online as you could be talking to those people. Is it really that hard?

The thread about questioning if they could live on £350 a week and also about the most expensive shopping items was an eye opener. We went through the most financial bullshit last year that it is still engrained in me and when you both work you think where are we going wrong. Even now I don't hoover up pennies because last year as bad as this sounds seeing silver coins done the settee was amazing even a 5p!!!! Trying to get whatever you can together. You wouldn't think we were that poor at the time to look at. Even now when I see on the news about period poverty I think how can people not afford pads etc but then I stop and think no everyone's situation is different!

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with a large income? Or many children? Or disabled? Or with an abusive husband? Or within a different religion?

Well, yes to the disabled as it happens (me as well as DH, I'm just fortunate enough to still be able to work) but even beyond that...it's not impossible to be sensitive to the fact that these differences are entirely possible, and not make assumptions to the contrary? Which is what this is about really - the assumptions that some MNers make that everyone else has a bank account balance in line with theirs.

YANBU.

Even if you think "its only £5 not that expensive" or whatever, if the OP has said they have no money, then it clearly is expensive to them. Saying how you would be able to afford it or you would find a way is zero help to the OP.