To think a not-insignificant proportion of MNers genuinely have no clue...

[TheTitOfTheIceberg]

...what it's like to not have much money?

This is not a TAAT but it's been prompted by a recent comment on a thread which was just the latest in a long line that make it clear that what some people take for granted is far beyond the reach of others. Which in itself is fair enough and hardly profound - this is a website with members across the whole economic spectrum, after all. But I've observed many times that there are some posters who, when the OP says "I can't afford X" seem downright disbelieving. "But it's not that expensive / it's only the equivalent of [some other luxury item which the OP is also very unlikely to be able to afford]".

Or when an OP is posting in bits - and clearly is in quite straitened circumstances - about their DP being an arse, someone will invariably post "book a night in a hotel/weekend away with your friends at a bloody spa no doubt and leave him with kids" without any apparent recognition that for some of us, a night in a hotel or a weekend away is something that has to be carefully budgeted for if it's even financially feasible at all.

It's not the disparity in incomes between posters that bothers me; there are plenty of no doubt comfortably-off MNers who post sensitively and helpfully in all kinds of situations. But there is a tranche who just seem oblivious to their financial privilege or to the fact that some of us are living hand to mouth, month on month with nothing left over after rent/mortgage, essential bills and food have been paid for, and then seem incredulous when we don't pay for, as standard, the goods or services they take for granted.

AIBU to find this both irritating, and an illuminating (sometimes bonkersly endearing) window into a world I will never inhabit, on my below-national-average salary with my disabled-and-no-longer-able-to-work DH?

While some obviously have no idea, its also not helped by many posters who claim to be on the bones of their arse, and when asked for detail turn out to have expensive mobile contracts/superfast broadband/takeaway every Friday "because I need it".

Everyone seems to have different ideas of 'essentials' and a lot (but not all) could have more disposable income if they lived a more frugal lifestyle.

I get that some are genuinely living as cheaply as possible and its still a struggle, but there are many (myself included) who just don't want to make sacrifices.

SnuggyBuggy dammit, that was my get rich quick scheme!

The S&B crew normally love a charity shop bargain. If you shut them up by mentioning them it’s probably because in context it’s not something that leads anywhere: nobody else on the thread will be able to buy those jeans. Whereas if you talk about a pair of this season’s Boden jeans then those who can afford them will be interested in discussing whether they’re a good buy, and even those who can’t will click on the link and use it as inspiration to find something similar at Primark.

However I agree with the OP that a minority of MNers are clueless about the fact that sometimes “broke” really does mean properly broke.

My parents had some very hard up phases and I was a student for seven years so I know what it means to be unable to stretch to anything beyond the bare essentials, and try to bear it in mind when posting, although I’ve never been in a situation where bailiffs or having the gas cut off might have happened, which is a whole different league.

I doubt that most people are very rich on here, but a lot are probably very bad at managing their money. It isn’t necessary to buy new clothes every week or have an expensive car but a lot of people do, whether they can afford it or not.

YANBU at all OP.

There was a recent thread where someone was saying that they were buying a house at the absolute limit of what they could afford but it had no parking. Cue people advising OP to find more money and buy a house with a driveway.

YABmassivelyU to assume that these people have been comfortable all their lives and never experienced that kind of situation themselves.

If they’ve experienced it themselves then they wouldn’t come out with clueless, privileged, idiotic comments.

YANBU. It's the same as people who have lots of family/extensive social network. 'Really, you have NOBODY who can take your violent autistic teenage son so you can go to work?' Um, nope.

I guess the pp that do that obviously want to offer some kind of solution or hope. Even if the ideas suggested are not possible. They don’t want to write oh well that is totally shit, how do you cope? I see optimism and support on here that probably in rl they just wonder how they would ever manage in that situation. I posted a with a very difficult set of circumstances once, and could feel how painful it was for some caring posters to admit it was a disaster, and that they didn’t have an easy solution.
I think they are trying to be helpful ultimately, and do not intend to annoy you. Although I can totally understand why it would.

On the other side (whilst much less hurtful and harmful) I often see people asserting on no evidence whatsoever that everyone on MN who talks about buying expensive things is a fantasist, and seeming to assume that almost everybody has roughly the same lowish-income. Presumably there are a few MN posters living out their Knightsbridge fantasies from a bedsit in Blackpool, but the official stats, and the existence of Mercedes showrooms, Hobbs, Jigsaw, Mark Warner and a zillion nanny agencies, show clearly that there are a lot of people out there willing and able to spend what most people would consider silly money, and they’re probably over represented on MN.

I agree! Someone posted on here a few
Months ago in real dire straits about how they had £20 or something to feed their family for the rest of the week. There were some excellent doable suggestions, then one poster piped up saying that the OP should have savings set aside for this sort of thing and to be more responsible with money. Some people just do not have a clue what it’s like to be properly skint, where you’re struggling to keep your heads above water.

I have a friend like this. She is in a very well paid job,and has several hundred thousand in the bank,thanks to an inheritance. At various times over the last few years,she has tried to get me to fork out a couple of hundred quid on 'self improvement' weekend courses, spa weekends and various household appliances, despite knowing that I am on a much lower income than she is,and don't have thousands of pounds in savings. I think it was brought home to me the difference in our attitude to money when I admired a new leather jacket she was wearing. 'It was only £600' she said casually. That's nearly 3 weeks money to me!

This is in the same category as some people not understanding some people didn't have parents and some people don't have family or a million friends next door.

I have a couple of friends like that, ALong. We don't hang out very often because I can't keep up.

YANBU. I've noticed this. Perhaps some posters pretend they're better off than they are. Perhaps Mumsnet attracts a large number of affluent women which makes it seem like everyone is loaded.

I also agree that some people claim to be in poverty but are also making terrible financial decisions.

Clean123 - You used to hoover up pennies? In the hoover??

To be fair, we are well off and have similar with friends who are very very well off - comments along the lines of “But £1000 per night is the minimum you can spend for a decent holiday in August”. I think it is sometimes quite difficult to really understand that there are families all along the financial spectrum in the UK.

I agree, and it goes both ways. The disbelief about people on higher tax rage is even more common on this forum.

You just have one on this very thread:
"I feel a lot of ppl exaggerate on here . The ones who have the money don't talk about it imho."

Then there is the total incomprehension and refusal to believe that people on more than minimum wage can struggle financially, with the usual gems: "It's your own choice, spend less "

So yes, a lot of posters don't have the slightest clue one way or another and refuse to try to understand other people's situation.

YANBU OP. I often think the exact same thing.

On MN it's always one extreme to the other- rich or poor. I'm neither and I suspect a lot of us are.

When my children were young I mentioned to a friend that my house badly needed decorating. She said "I can't understand why your husband doesn't get down to B&Q and get some paint. It only cost us £200 to do our downstairs". This was in the 1980s. She was amazed when I said I was so hard up I couldn't always afford loo roll, never mind paint!

I always find it amazing the number of people who suggest moving whenever someone posts about neighbours or a house issue. Like it's easy to just sell up, buy a house and pay the associated costs.

That’s a fair point notabed. Rather clueless but well-meaning than the harsh “why didn’t you...[do something that would now require you to invent time travel]” judgemental response.

You're digging me out OP but you come at it assuming I'm minted. I'm not. I prioritise. I've always worked, never taken any time out even when it was not economically viable purely to make sure I had (a) independence (b) a workable CV (c) a pension. I have been very poor as a consequence, poor enough to miss meals for a few days at a time

Everything is about priorities.

Of course I could have made different life choice, but I didn't.

I've been very poor and now I'm reasonably well off, so I have two sets of ignorant comments to cringe at!

“The price of a cup of coffee” - this is often used as a benchmark of how people could afford things if they only didn’t buy a coffee every day, etc. I’m not particularly hard up now , in my terms, though I do get annoyed at those who say you can’t possibly survive in London on less than 60k when I and Dh and kids survive fine on less than half - and no we don’t get any benefits. But I have never bought coffee from a coffee shop. It would never occur to me to do that.

I think a lot of people on here exaggerate both ways. A lot of people turn out to be begging trolls and fantasy world dwellers.

I do get annoyed at those who say you can’t possibly survive in London on less than 60k when I and Dh and kids survive fine on less than half

well, good for you, but looking at the cost of rental or buying in central London, I couldn't! I had to leave London because we just couldn't afford it. Less than 30k income with no benefits, no help is very tight in London for most of us.