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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this unfair of partner

187 replies

takka · 21/05/2019 09:00

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

OP posts:
ILoveEurovision · 21/05/2019 09:10

Unless he's David Beckham that's too much IMO

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:11

No he's not professional, more hobby!! Xx

OP posts:
AppropriateAdult · 21/05/2019 09:17

I wouldn't be happy with this. Social life needs to change after having kids, and I think dads are always sometimes slower to realise this. It's not fair for you to have the physical and emotional burden of parenting on your own so frequently, while he gets to relax with exercise and friends.

b0bb1n · 21/05/2019 09:17

I agree that one night during the week isn't enough to have quality time with her dad. His priorities should be different now he has a little girl old enough to appreciate time with him and miss him. Maybe he has been playing football often for so long he hasn't realised the effect it has on your dd now. Have you talked to him about it yet?

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2019 09:20

Funny how men's hobbies are sacrosanct. Women don't have time for hobbies.

Sexnotgender · 21/05/2019 09:21

3 nights a week is taking the piss.

mrsm43s · 21/05/2019 09:23

So he goes out (for a couple of hours?) 3 nights a week, and is at home for 4 nights a week, plus presumably 2 full days? I assume this is only during football season too, not all year round

I think that's OK really.

If you are struggling and need help, then that is a different matter, he should definitely step up. Also if you feel that you are not getting your fair share of time to go out and pursue your hobbies, then that is also a valid complaint, which should be addressed. But if its just because you want him home, then I think that's a bit unreasonable.

I would be working with your daughter to address why she's saying "Daddy" looking sad at the door. That's quite unusual behaviour really for a child less than 2 years old, bearing in mind this is the routine she's always had. I would think she is picking up on your irritation or you are projecting your feelings onto her and reading more meaning into her actions than is there. Does she also stand at the door with a sad face saying "Daddy" whilst he's at work all day?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/05/2019 09:23

3 nights a week? I'm amazed you've put up with it for so long. How about videoing your daughter and playing it to him?

What if you wanted a hobby 3 nights a week? You don't get to pick and choose when to be a parent to be convenient.

Benes · 21/05/2019 09:25

Well his life hasn't changed much since becoming a dad has it?

Three nights is a lot when you have a small child. When do you get your down time?

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:28

Thankyou for your replies I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable, for the poster who said ( don't know how to tag ) that if I feel I'm struggling I'm not struggling at all my daughter is my absolute world and I treasure every moment I get with her, I just feel sad that she's asking for him and he's else where playing a game of football instead of having that family life, I don't want to go out and do a hobby my ideal " me " time Is time with my baby and my partner as a family, just seems like I'm doing the whole family thing alone whilst he lives like a single man, when I question him he gets all defensive saying life doesn't stop at kids ( I know this!! ) and that he'll play till he's too old too!! I don't think he realises that one day when he can't play and is sat on his own his daughter will be too busy to spend time with him just like he is with us now!! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:30

Fwiw too, I don't expect him to give up but would be nice to actually have some time with him and for our daughter to have mum and dad at home playing with her together xx

OP posts:
araiwa · 21/05/2019 09:32

I think it would benefit everyone involved if both parents had a few hours a week doing their own thing.

2 hours, 3 times a week isnt excessive in any way and i would suggest op did the same. You get some time to yourself and they get some one on one time too

sirmione16 · 21/05/2019 09:34

Omg my dp is the same. Played 3 night a week. Can't get his around stopping now we have a baby (4month) and it's a tricky conversation to have as I don't want to come across bitter but i have been alone with baby all day and want some family time and a bit of a release from baby too. Luckily he's dropping one anyway due to venue shutting. I have no advice but feel for you OP. Who knows maybe they're in the same circle lol

EggAndButter · 21/05/2019 09:37

Yep I remember telling H that what I REALLY wanted was family time together, nice moments to spend all 4 of us doing family things (like a walk in the park, going to the beach etc...)
He never understood, I think because it’s so far away of anything he has ever done or has ever wanted to do.

EggAndButter · 21/05/2019 09:39

araiva could explain WHEN the OP is going to find 3 times 2 hours in the week to do her own things?
Are you suggesting that she should go out for 3 other evenings so they only have one evening together as a family? When what the OP wants is time to spend TOGETHER as a family?

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:39

For the posters saying I should do a hobby the same amount of time? Where would family time come into it? If I was out 3 evenings a week and he was too? It's not about me wanting to be out doing a hobby I just want some decent family time without it having to be cut short for a game of football!!
Also pp at first I didn't wanna sound bitter when my dd was around 4 months but now I'm at the point where I feel the need to say to him it's football or us because it's like football is his life and we are a hobby, also he goes to watch a professional team when they play at home, so sometimes goes to work then onto. The game and doesn't see dd at all that day, football very much comes top priority to him!! He left me alone 3 days post c section to play a game of football with his friends!! Xxx

OP posts:
ILoveEurovision · 21/05/2019 09:40

2 hours, 3 times a week isnt excessive in any way and i would suggest op did the same.

I disagree. If they both do that 3 nights a week with the other looking after their DAd, they'd only be together one night a week and the MIL would be around.

ILoveEurovision · 21/05/2019 09:40

*DD not DAd

thegreatcrestednewt · 21/05/2019 09:42

Honestly, I despair. What is it with men who genuinely can't see that life changes vastly for their partner once she has a baby and can't see that it should change for them as well? Are they monumentally selfish or just plain stupid - or a mix?

OP, you have facilitated your h having three nights out per week since dd was born. How many nights out have you had? Didn't you talk about hobbies and how much time you'd each have before dd was born??

You need to talk to him. Point out how many nights out he's had since dd was born - and how many you've had. Ask if he thinks this is really fair. Take it from there. Point out that if you were divorced, he'd have to give up some football if he wanted to see his dd.

Useless twat.

mrsm43s · 21/05/2019 09:43

Fwiw too, I don't expect him to give up but would be nice to actually have some time with him and for our daughter to have mum and dad at home playing with her together xx

But you have the other 4 nights a week plus 2 weekend days (presuming he works regular hours). The vast majority of the time he is home.

How come your daughter is sad when Daddy is at football, but not when he is at work? How does she know? I have to say that I think that her perceived sadness is a projection on your part!

Sandra2321 · 21/05/2019 09:43

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PettyContractor · 21/05/2019 09:44

Funny how men's hobbies are sacrosanct. Women don't have time for hobbies.

If men could be forced to choose between their hobbies and their children, before they had them instead of at a later date, I suspect there would be fewer children.

I don't regard lack of equality (of contribution) as proof of any wrong-doing. I'd want to know what conversations were had before any child was conceived.

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:46

Yes we did talk about hobbies when we were trying for dd, I agreed at the time that his hobby wouldn't have to change, but you don't know how you'll feel once you've had a baby, seeing dd asking for him when he's gone is quite upsetting, I just wish he wanted to be the family we planned like I do, he's very out for himself and will turn it around that I'm being unreasonable xx

OP posts:
UnicornBrexit · 21/05/2019 09:47

Playing or watching ?

Sorry but if hes playing for a team, you cant pick and choose your commitments. He's either in the team, or he isn't and he will resent you for ever if you force this

skippy67 · 21/05/2019 09:48

I play netball 3 times a week, and have done ever since the DC were little. DH never complained, I'm the same way that I never complain when he goes running 3 times a week. We just worked it out between us.

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