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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this unfair of partner

187 replies

takka · 21/05/2019 09:00

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

OP posts:
skippy67 · 21/05/2019 09:48

*in the same way

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:49

He plays but it's between friends, each week he will swap the Tuesday for the Wednesday or the Tuesday to play a Thursday, he doesn't let anyone down because they usually have too many players anyway, also he can take time off when he wants so not really like that xx

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 09:49

Maybe if you took her out and about or played with her more she wouldn’t be missing daddy so much.

holdupthere · 21/05/2019 09:50

What team plays three times a week?! Or is it training?
Could you not take DD along to a training session to watch from the sidelines?
Agree with a PP who asked why does she get upset when he's at football and not work?

takka · 21/05/2019 09:51

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 09:52

Probably gets upset because he comes home from work ( where she is excited to see him) eats his dinner sees her for half hour then buggers off out to football

OP posts:
Yabbers · 21/05/2019 09:58

Does she also stand at the door with a sad face saying "Daddy" whilst he's at work all day?
This.

If you think your OH is out too much, own it. Don’t make out it’s your DD who has the problem.

At 2 years old DD was in bed by 7pm so if OH had a hobby that took up evenings, it wouldn’t be a problem. In fact, I’d be in charge of the remote and it would be fab!

But, if it bothers you and you think he needs to be home more for the half hour before she goes to bed, then tell him that. But don’t blame your DD, that’s unkind.

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 10:00

For those saying I'm blaming dd I'm really not because this wasn't an issue the whole 7 years before dd was born when he'd be out 4 nights a week!!
I don't think he's being fair!

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2019 10:01

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about how things have changed in your lives.

Ask him to properly think about how he will change, or not, as DD gets older and wants to do more things with him. Will he just continue to opt out and play football or is there a compromise (end in sight) that he can see himself making in order to have a proper relarionship with his daughter as she grows up?

Thre's nothing worng with a hobby, but some, like ccling, just seem to to take over. Particpants (usually men) need to be reminded (smacked round the back of the head with a wet kipper) that they aren't teenagers anymore and need to adjust to adult life!

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 10:01

Came on here for advise- didn't expect to be told im to blame!!

OP posts:
Vulpine · 21/05/2019 10:03

You're ñot to blame. Just a classic case of dh putting his own needs first.

Tinkobell · 21/05/2019 10:03

Record her saying Daddy daddy on your phone...it has to be genuinely filmed. Then show him. See what he says. He has to make his own judgement. Can't he maybe set up one special night each week with his DD - special book, ice cream night or something she'd love???

mrsm43s · 21/05/2019 10:05

Surely she's going to bed at around the time he's going out to football?

So you put her to bed on the 3 nights he plays football, he puts her to bed 3 other nights, with one night flexible each week.

"Oh how exciting! It's Mummy's turn for bedtime tonight! Let's have a bubbly bath and play splashing then snuggle and read a book etc" leads to a happy child.
"Oh no, Daddy's going to football, he's not here for bedtime. I wish he was here" leads to a sad child.

The only reason she is sad when Daddy plays football is because either consciously or unconsciously you are directing her to be. There is no reason that this situation should make her sad unless its being badly managed.

UnicornBrexit · 21/05/2019 10:06

Record her saying Daddy daddy on your phone...it has to be genuinely filmed. Then show him. See what he says.

Pathetic and manipulative

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/05/2019 10:08

What @mrsm43s said.

I do think it's quite a lot however you did say you both talked about it before the baby and you said that his football wouldn't have to change so it is a bit unfair to go back on it. If it were the other way around I would be annoyed.

araiwa · 21/05/2019 10:10

Op could do something after dd goes to bed

Go to a gym class where a creche is available

Leave dh to do bedtime sometimes

Paid childcare

There are many ways of getting a bit of time to yourself without interrupting precious family time. Dh could find a game with a kickoff time later than dds bedtime

Tinkobell · 21/05/2019 10:10

*Record her saying Daddy daddy on your phone...it has to be genuinely filmed. Then show him. See what he says.

Pathetic and manipulativ*
Calm down. It wasn't meant to be so. My point was that the OP has painted a heart rending picture here of a toddler calling plaintively for her Dad at the front door each time he goes and plays his game. It's not something that is easily explained Post-event to someone who perhaps is unwilling to hear it.

Acis · 21/05/2019 10:12

when I question him he gets all defensive saying life doesn't stop at kids ( I know this!! )

Well, no, it doesn't stop, but it doesn't mean that it goes on unchanged, either. These early years are so important for their future relationship, and his priorities need to change. Two evenings a week should be more than enough.

Yabbers · 21/05/2019 10:14

I'm really not because this wasn't an issue the whole 7 years before dd was born when he'd be out 4 nights a week!!

Yes, but YOU didn’t have DD to look after then either. So the situation has changed because you have DD. If she wasn’t pining at the door for him, would you still be ok with it? I’m guessing not.

Aprillygirl · 21/05/2019 10:14

He's got a harmless hobby/passion which you knew about from the start. You have all weekend, as well as two evenings midweek for family time. YABU.

Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 10:17

Agreed @april. Plus it’s seasonal and Op should be distracting dd from her sadness not feeding it!

Acis · 21/05/2019 10:19

2 hours, 3 times a week isnt excessive in any way and i would suggest op did the same

It is when you're dealing with a small child and working full time. If, for instance, the three evenings were consecutive it could mean that the child effectively doesn't see her father between Monday and Friday evenings. Even if he sees her in the mornings, it won't be quality time, it will be when he's prioritising getting ready for work and getting out on time. Sure, I know there are some children who don't have fathers or whose fathers work away for long periods, but the point is that when excessive absence is perfectly avoidable it should obviously be avoided. It's only for a relatively short period of her life, after all - she'll be a teenager doing her own thing soon enough.

EggAndButter · 21/05/2019 10:19

So basically he comes home expecting a meal cooked and ready for him, eats and then leaves you to tidy up, clean and out your dd to bed?

All that 3 evenings a week plus weekend when he goes to watch matches too?

It’s not just that he hasnt change his life since his dd was born. He is taking the piss sand treats you like a maid.

The only way to change that isn’t by asking him nicely. The only way to change to decide what are your boundaries and hold them dearly.
It’s not just about him playing football. It’s his engagement in family life, his expectations that you are there to facilitate whatever he wants but bye isn’t there to do the same for you.
So my advice would be to make a l hrs look at your life as whole and tackle the relationship as a whole. Starting with deciding if there is enough good pints to try and save it. Seeing that you are basically say8ng you have reached the point of thinking about divorce, that is the only way to tackle it. Trying to change ‘just’ the number if time she is playing football isn’t going to be enough.

Btw, H has done the same re his hobbies AND he was away for work too. This is one of the things that destroyed our relationship....so don’t do like me and leave it fester.

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 10:21

It’s not really fair to say “well you agreed to this before children”. Before you have children you don’t usually have a realistic sense of what life as a parent is like, and you certainly don’t know what your particular child will be like. Good parents appreciate that stuff changes sometimes.

YANBU, three nights a week is a lot. I’d also be annoyed to be the one doing bedtime and so on solo three nights a week because his football is sacred and cannot be challenged. He must barely see her on those days.

thegreatcrestednewt · 21/05/2019 10:21

He's got a harmless hobby/passion which you knew about from the start. You have all weekend, as well as two evenings midweek for family time. YABU.

Hmm Hmm So much for the sisterhood. Did you miss the bits in OP's posts where she says he's very out for himself and will turn it around that I'm being unreasonable, football very much comes top priority to him!! He left me alone 3 days post c section to play a game of football with his friends!! ?

When does OP get her own down time? Or don't you think women deserve any time away from dc and the house??

OP, when your h is at home, does he pull his weight?

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