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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this unfair of partner

187 replies

takka · 21/05/2019 09:00

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 15:05

Ok, you have some security with thr house if your name is on the deeds, he can't just Chuck you out, but you're in a horribly vulnerable position, you don't work, and rely on him financially to live.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with a couple of hours a night, but you do.

Bottom line though is how much power do you really have here to get him to stop? He pays for you, and he pwns most of the house. Definite power imbalance here.

Sausagerollers · 21/05/2019 15:58

Get an evening job in a pub or restaurant or something.

He will have to come home, you can earn some money, he will see more of his DD, you'll get some independence.

Sorted.

Lichtie · 21/05/2019 16:12

"re me going to work, we would lose out on around 400 a month"
I may be naive but how can you end up that amount worse off from working?

Saltystraw · 21/05/2019 16:21

I’m all for playing sport and keeping up hobbies but it would be nice if he would drop to 2 nights a week.

Is it possible for you and your dd to go watch him play? Make a bit of a family thing out of it? My dad played indoor cricket a few nights a week as I was growing up but I used to go at least once a week with him.

Cryalot2 · 21/05/2019 16:27

Just a thought, would it be possible for you and dd to go and support her dad play. I know she is young , but you could point him out and cheer .
Like I say just a thought.

oneforthepain · 21/05/2019 16:33

You sound very emotionally dependent on him.

What do you do to take care of your own needs and take charge of your own life?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting "family time" but you seem to want literally nothing else in your life, which is not healthy for anybody.

Instead of getting upset and frustrated if your child is asking for him, you could try reframing it to yourself as your child needing you to care for, distract and reassure her, and embrace that as a positive. Because it is - you're there, you love her, you're equipped to step in and meet her needs.

I do think you need to step back from whatever emotions are driving you right now and look at what you can do differently, and get some perspective on all the good things here.

I suspect one of the reasons people have suggested you appear a little dramatic is because of the c section comment. You realise there are many people who have to go through major surgery with more difficult recoveries completely alone save for maybe a visit from a professional carer for an hour or so a day?

You were astoundingly lucky to have had him by your side bar two or three hours for football. Unless you have missed out huge details, being upset that he didn't stay by your side 24/7 is extreme. You're an adult, you should be able to meet some of your own needs.

Damntheman · 21/05/2019 16:56

Oh ffs one. Since when is expecting the father of ones child to share in the parenting and be present on occasion emotionally present? What the hell is wrong with you?

SinkGirl · 21/05/2019 16:58

I may be naive but how can you end up that amount worse off from working?

😂
Really?

cost of transport
cost of childcare
loss of universal credit / tax credits / carers allowance / whatever else

Fiveredbricks · 21/05/2019 17:06

OP just to throw it out there... Are you sure he's going to play footy??

Alsohuman · 21/05/2019 17:10

Why does someone always suggest if a man isn’t at home every minute he’s not working he must be having an affair?

apacketofcrisps · 21/05/2019 17:19

Maybe you should get your own life!?

Geminijes · 21/05/2019 17:47

When you met him you knew he played football 3-4 nights a week and in the 8 years you have been together you must have known he was close to his mother and put her before you so why did you decide to have a child with him?
Were you hoping to change him?
Did you think he would his priorities would suddenly change when your baby was born?

Deathgrip · 21/05/2019 17:49

Maybe you should get your own life!?

She has a life. Being a parent is a life, and she has to be a more involved parent given that her partner gives no shits about being one.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 17:50

Why does someone always suggest if a man isn’t at home every minute he’s not working he must be having an affair?

Yup. There is always one who wants to stick the knife in and twist it.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 17:52

Being a parent is a life

Sure but it's highly unhealthy if there is nothing else in your life apart from being a parent. Unhealthy for th parent, and unhealthy for the child.

And it's. Bit of an embarrassingly hysterical over reaction to say because he plays foot ball for a couple of hours three nights a week he doesn't give a shit about being a parent.

Go give your head a wobble.

anxiousbean · 21/05/2019 18:11

I think both he and you have assigned you as the "default" parent. As a parent he should be thinking, who is going to look after my daughter when I do xyz. But he isn't as he just assumes that you will do it.

I think you would make much more progress by insisting that you want to go out two nights a week or whatever. I know it is not what you actually want at the moment - but he needs to change his mindset and realise that someone (and not necessarily you) is responsible for looking after his child. It is much easier to argue also - why should you get to do the fitness/football when I want to go to the gym. Or even better get an evening job. Definitely go out the evening you MIL comes as well. Perfect excuse! Once he stops taking you for granted and you have a more balanced relationship, you can expect more family time.

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 18:22

When you met him you knew he played football 3-4 nights a week

But he was single and didn’t have a child then. If he’s saying “I did this when you met me so you can’t expect me to change now”, that is outright saying “I should get to carry on with my life post-kids as I did when I was single, and I don’t care what my partner thinks about it”. Most of us don’t do that because it’s pretty selfish and inconsiderate.

If the rest of your family are unhappy with the amount of time you’re spending away from them or the money that’s going on your hobby, you have a conversation about it, you try to find a solution that works for everyone. You don’t generally say “tough shit I’m not budging” and waltz out the door.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/05/2019 18:24

Okay, I understand about working being an expensive option a lot of the time. How about some sort of training- maybe online or OU? It would help to give you confidence, help you to improve your earning potential once your child is in nursery but most importantly it would give you a feeling of doing something to improve your own situation. Could you do an evening class on the night MIL comes round?
If even part time work is out of the question then fair enough, but that doesn't mean that you have to be passive.

ZenNudist · 21/05/2019 18:26

I reckon 3 nights a week hobby but with all weekend together is lovely. Its good he exercises. You should too. How old is he? Id think he wont be doing footy forever, plus it isn't all year round is it?

ZenNudist · 21/05/2019 18:28

Also I think 'family time' in the week is overrated. Surely its just the day to day tea bath and bed? Hes got 4 other nights to do that.

AppropriateAdult · 21/05/2019 18:42

Also I think 'family time' in the week is overrated. Surely its just the day to day tea bath and bed? Hes got 4 other nights to do that.

That's not the point. Being a SAHP to a small child is tough. Knowing that your partner will be home in the evening to share the load is a huge relief. Why on earth is it ok for dad to go off and do something for his own enjoyment three nights out of seven while the OP is stuck doing everything on her own?

user1487194234 · 21/05/2019 18:46

IMHO YABU
Life shouldn't end when you have kids and being out for a couple of hours 3x a week seems ok to me
However if it's not ok to you,you need to speak to him and agree a compromise
I never really understand the concept of family time having to involve everyone being together all the time

Playmytune · 21/05/2019 18:59

I think he is extremely selfish to expect his life to carry on as before now you have a child. Especially being a SAHM, you need his company. Those saying daughter will be going to bed just after he goes out so it isn’t an issue, I think that it is the time spent between op and her dp after dd has gone to bed that op needs. It seems that the op is significantly more invested in this relationship/family than dp is!!

Can I ask if he wanted a child, or was it you who wanted a family? Did he only agree to having a child because you said things wouldn’t change for him? There does seem to be a vast difference in how much both of you are willing to give up for your family?

You say that he would put his mother ahead of you and dd! Unfortunately this seems to be an issue in many relationships, mine included. However, if he wants to carry on as before, say his mother didn’t use to visit one evening every week, therefore if he wants her to visit, it should be on one of HIS football evenings! Failing that I would say to her that if she wants to see her dgd she can commit to looking after her one day a week (or maybe just a morning/afternoon)to give you some me time.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 22/05/2019 02:52

OP, if you're not going to work in the short term, please at least look into studying or upskilling in some way.

You earn nothing at present, your earning potential doesn't appear to even cover childcare, you aren't married, you only own 1/3 of your home and you don't have any spare money- you are incredibly financially vulnerable and you don't have a lot of agency in your own life.

Your partner sounds like a selfish jerk. Could you afford to leave him if that was something you wanted/needed to do? Could you provide for your child if he decides to pay you the minimum? It doesn't sound like it. You're stuck with him and he knows that and it empowers him to disregard your needs and treat you like hired help.

YANBU about the soccer, but that is not as important as the fact that you are tethered to a selfish and mean man.

What are you going to do about it?

Coyoacan · 22/05/2019 04:59

I personally couldn't be doing with a football mad man, but we all have different tastes.

I do think though, OP, there is a lot to be said for you developing your own interests apart from your baby and partner.

It is lovely that your toddler fills your world but someday your child will not want to be your world and you also need to prepare for that.

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