Is this unfair of partner

[takka]

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

Yabu.
Exercising 3 times a week as an adult is hardly excessive, in fact we should all be doing that as a minimum, you too. It's healthy and good to have a little time apart.
It seems like you're bending the details slightly to suit your thinking. You say he comes home from work (say 6pm) has dinner, plays with her for half an hour, then goes out to play football at 7pm. So, her bedtime then? I don't think that counts as 'being out all evening' as you (and other posters) are reading in to it.
He's also with you for the whole weekend, that is a lot of family time.

The compromise for me here, wouldn't be reducing exercising 3 times per week; it would be changing the times. (It sounds like it's just a group of mates hiring an Astro, so could well be flexible). Maybe later in the evening once she's in bed, maybe once at the weekend.

FWIW, dh and I both continued our hobbies all the way through, different sports, and still had plenty of family time.

Also those saying I'm wrong etc how would you feel if the football on the whole was costing 85 a month? Playing football and football tickets?

And, one other thing. A friend of mine has just divorced her husband (who is nice but..) because he suffocated her (not literally). No hobbies, just wanted to be with her and her kids ALL the time. There was nothing else in his life except from his girls. Drove her potty.

The cost? Depends entirely on your own families financial situation. For some families, that might be football instead of food, for others, neither here nor there.

I’d say £85 a month was pretty reasonable. You were complaining about your daughter’s sadness to begin with. Now, when a fair few people disagree with you, it’s become a financial issue.

Ignore the cool wives op. You're allowed to have standards. It doesn't matter what you said years ago, life changes. He sounds like a pretty selfish partner all around. I'd be telling him to sort it out or leave.

£85 a month would depend. It would be quite a lot for us and so wouldn’t work here. Do you get £85 a month to spend on something just for you as well?

To be fair yes I did come on here about my daughter, and yes there are other issues.
For pp that asked no way there isn't £85 left for us !! Xx

I think it's fine, sport is good for the soul etc, of course your DD would sound sad, but that's normal. Try and help her with ways to cope (maybe distract her with a story etc?)

What do you think he’d say if you said “I want to do something new 3x weeknights, so you need to cover those evenings for me”? I know you said you don’t want a hobby like his, but if you did, do you think he’d say “great good for you!” and help make it happen or not?

I think if your finances are that tight, that is a far better argument than no family time, which can be easily argued against as it isn't true.

As with so many things, it's down to expectations.

When I met DP, he played 6 a side football 3 days a week, and would go to the pub whenever 'his' premiership team played to watch it on TV. That hasn't changed, but we don't have kids or even live together so I don't expect any more of him.

If we moved in together I don't think this would change, but if he wanted to have kids (which he won't, we're far too old for that now!) then it would be conditional on him agreeing that whilst he needs his own time, family time is most important. The expectation would have to be set early on.

In OP's case, she needs to sit down with her partner and explain that they need to set new expectations of each other now their roles and family needs have changed. Communication is the key here.

I would say guilt trip him. Make a video of your daughter waiting for him every time she stands at the door. Don't make it noticeable to her though as then kids start putting on a performance for the video. Send it to him every single time that look your daughter is waiting for her dad. When are you coming home? People have to make sacrifices once they are parents. Can't keep on living like a single person after having kids.

Yes, emotional blackmail is such a great idea.

That's two posters now who've suggested blackmailing. What an horrendous, childish idea. Solve your problems like a grown up.

@takka Do you work? Also if football practice is in the evening won’t DD be going to bed soon?

I can understand your frustration with him just going off to football, but maybe it’s highlighting that you also need a hobby that you can enjoy ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. And let's be honest, a woman with a toddler under the age of two who worked all day and then wanted three evenings off from her child a week, because she didn't see why parenthood should stop her doing what she wanted, would get absolutely slaughtered on MN. At best, she'd end up with a "Mumsnet" diagnosis of PND. At worst, she'd be asked why she had a child and told she was going to leave it with an attachment disorder.

Wow. Shouldn’t be surprised by these replies but I am.

Here’s a woman who wants her partner to prioritise his partner and child over his hobby. What an unreasonable shrew 🙄

It’s amazing to me how many men treat parenting as something they can clock in and out of around their other commitments, like a job. I don’t know any mothers who treat parenting this way, or want to treat it this way. I don’t know any mums that do a hobby that means leaving their child at home with their partner three nights a week and feeling okay about it.

I am always on, always thinking about the kids, always. DH can jump in and out and clearly this guy can too - difference is that my DH wants to spend as much time as he can with his children.

It’s a terrible double standard and I can’t believe there are women supporting it.

OP, does he ever have to look after your DD on his own? He needs to understand what he’s asking of you. I know you don’t want to but perhaps a hobby of your own that increases his responsibility for a while would be a good idea.

That's right *@Aguamenti * let's all video our kids when they're sad instead of simply doing something to distract them and make them happy

I would show him video of it - not to blackmail him but so that he can’t dismiss the impact his behaviour is having on his child. Why should he get to be in denial about it while the OP deals with her daughter’s distress?

OP a few posters have asked if you work and you haven't answered. I asked not because I want to bash SAHM (I am one) but because if you don't work and don't have a hobby then you will really run the risk of losing sight of yourself. Yes it's great that you want your spare time to be just you and your family but you MUST do something for yourself sometimes. Go for a quiet coffee, reading a book. Hour yoga class. Monthly dinner with your girlfriends. Something!
I work hard at making sure I have my own things to do because for a while I was the wife at home waiting for DH to return texting "how you getting on?" "You finished yet?" "Shall I put the kettle on?" He found it stifling, I see why now.

You just need to be honest.

Say you're feeling left out and hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with you both.

If he carries on after you'd said it, then you've got an issue.

For some perspective. My DH leaves the house at 6.30am and returns after 7pm. We have a DD4 and a DS1. They very rarely get to see him Monday to Friday, maybe for a good night kiss on a Friday if he gets away early. I’m at home with them so come Sat & Sun he treats me to a lie in and sometimes I spend a couple of hours at the weekend on my hobby. I also do it 2 times during the week when he gets home. We have very little time all together but that doesn’t detract from my time with the kids or his time with the kids. Rather then feel sad if they don’t see him mon-fri, they actually get mega excited if they do. That’s because I manage their expectations. I explain why DHs job is important. If they ask if I will be home for lunch on Saturday and I won’t be, I explain why I’m doing my hobby and that I enjoy it. They accept the explanation. It’s a balance that works for us. I wouldn’t put pressure on DH to rush home for bedtime and I’d feel aggrieved if he suggested DCs were upset I wasn’t around for a few hours at the weekend. I think the balance is healthy and our children are happy. I think it would unfair to put pressure on your OH to cut back on his hobby. Especially given you agreed he wouldn’t have to prior to DD. I imagine it would make him resentful.

I can just imagine a thread after the videoing;
'Our dd was crying. Rather than comfort her or distract her, my dw chose instead to video her to use against me. This has resulted in encouraging dd to cry more. Aibu to think that's awful?'

Mine does 2 nights a week then all day Saturday then sometimes a Sunday night. Also does a night shift on a Saturday night most weeks. Yes they are taking the liss and they are selfish twats. He is the one missing out.