Is this unfair of partner

[takka]

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

😂😂 how am I putting a dramatic spin on things lol!!
I was home when he fucked off to play after my c section, I had mastitis too but I guess don't read too much into that cuz I'm so dramatic 😂😂

He left me alone 3 days post c section to play a game of football with his friends!!

Would all the people saying he is being totally reasonable and she’s the neurotic one like to weigh in on this bit?

My partner left me and dd in the hospital about 2 hrs after she as born to go and get a nandos with his brother as he hadn't eaten for the 30hrs of my labour, i waved him off and told me to bring me a subway back

I personally don't think 3 nights is a big deal, it would leave 4 nights so either for you to go and do something or for you to spend family time. I think it's important to carry on doing things you both enjoy separately as well as together. Do you not have something you'd like to do?

I bet in between getting ready, travel and shower etc when he gets back and something to eat its more than 3 hours. I'd be pissed off to OP. I hope someday you don't wake up and decide actually you might as well be on your own because being lonely in a marriage is bloody awful.

It much more likely that weekdays aŕe 5 a side which is usually 40- 60 minutes a game. I went in kit and showered at home.

i waved him off and told me to bring me a subway back

Yes, that is totally the same as if you hadn’t wanted him to do it, and had also been at home with the baby, and if he was going off for a hobby rather than for actual food. Good comparison!

God men get mollycoddled something ridiculous on here. If you are a parent, and you are in a relationship, you cannot expect life to carry on as if you were single and demand your partner and children put up with it. You need to compromise and find things that work for the whole family, because you are not the only one that matters any more.

I'm not sure that taking dd to watch Daddy play would be great. It's probably after her bedtime, she's too young to stand and watch a game for 90 mins, and have you heard the language when men play football?

Also, will dd understand that Daddy can't pay her any attention? (Or perhaps she's used to that).

@Takka: what is your p like when he's at home? Does he pull his weight with chores and parenting?

I also think you need to get a hobby or do something for you: having your h and dc as your only interests is not healthy.

@Lazypuppy and this my friends is what you call a nice balanced,happy and healthy relationship.

Cmon surely he's not playing a full 90 minute match three times a week?! Professional footballers don't even have the stamina to do that and they don't have regular jobs to get up for!

So you discussed it beforehand and agreed, now you want to change it. You are probably both being a bit unreasonable.
But you say she stands at door when he is at work too, you are not suggesting he gives up his job.

Yes other than football being his main focus he is a good dad when he's here, not a great partner, football and what his mum wants comes way before me and dd, but he is good with dd xx

If its after her bedtime it wouldnt be reducing family time

It's actually more important to have time for yourself than 'family time', especially when your partner has a hobby or is happy to take leisure time.
There's a difference between having no leisure time because your partner is happy to leave you with all the domestic work and childcare, which will make you justifiably resentful, and having no interests despite the fact that you have someone willing to take on childcare, because you think that 'being a family' involves spending all your time sitting at home or doing stuff that is suitable for young children. If you choose to have no identity and no interests because 'we're parents now and everything has to be about that' you are likely to become a clingy, whiny, boring mess. Because your DC will, if they are growing up healthy, soon reach a stage where they want to go out and about without you.

football and what his mum wants comes way before me and dd

I think it’s time for a serious conversation about that.

Yet another man who sees women as housework and baby making appliances

OP

not a great partner, football and what his mum wants comes way before me and dd

So he's not a great dad, is he? Sounds like you have bigger things to talk about than his hobby.

Maintaining a 'knew about it before' status quo of any kind, whether football or anything else, is all very well while all other considerations remain constant but it's incredibly selfish to insist on persuing that once circumstances have changed, without fairly reviewing it and taking on board any negative effects it has for your partner and/or children.

Very few families go through life on a predictable path ... any number of events can occur (kids, redundancies, ill health, job demands, house moves and so on) which might make 'what I've always done' suddenly a lot less tolerable than it once was. Anyone who ruthlessly ignores that is a selfish shit. Of course the OP isn't saying he should give it all up on her say so - what she is saying is that there needs to be a reassessment of priorities .... what's really important at this stage of their life (and their daughter's life), and how best to achieve that. You then divide - in theory - the time that's left after work and home responsibilities (including family time) fairly into 'his' time and 'hers'. This doesn't have to be exactly the same necessarily but both parties need to agree they're happy with it. Right now it's all about him and I'm agog anyone should think that's fair. Who died and made him king?!?

I think men don’t expect anything at all to change when kids come along.

Tell him his football time has become inconvenient added to his mum visiting, that's 4 nights a week with his interests taking precedence. Therefore he needs to bring that total down to 2-3 nights to be fair. So he can decide, either cut out his mum's involvement (she can also go watch him at footie) or cut out a footie night. But in total his interests can only take over 3 nights not 4. Did his mum visit as often prior to children?

Of course you are not being ridiculous OP. He sounds selfish and self absorbed.
Tell him how you feel.
If he won't change, you have your answer.
3 nights a week out for a hobby is a joke.
What about bad your child grows up.
It will be very clear what her dad's priorities are.
My dh played football one night for years, one night. He loved it. It was good for him.
3 nights is utterly ridiculous.
Best of luck. You sound like a lovely, reasonable woman.

No she never came to our house before children, only if she needed to bring her dog over for us to look after, or if they needed something, they never came just to see us!! Xx

I had similar when I had 3 under 5s at home, My EX would play Football on Saturday, Footie Practice on Wednesday, Golf on Sunday, Meal out with the lads down the pub every Thursday and Gym on Tuesday and Friday, So Mondays was the only night/day he was home. It got worse as he got older and now the adult DC barely have a relationship with him as he prioritised his needs over bonding with them. I remember once asking him if he would like to go to the Cinema with us and his reaction was "now why would I want to do that" Sad but unfortunately true, some men just aren't good with changing their routine.

Wow some people are so harsh.

I think what the main issue here is that you don’t feel like a priority in his life. And THAT is what makes seeing him go off 3 days a week to play football hurts so much. I totally get that. If you felt like you and dd were the priority then I bet you wouldn’t mind as much.

Thing is you discussed it before, he obviously thinks everything is OK and why wouldn't he? You can't change the rules and just expect him to realise without communicating it with him. It does sound like you need to find a hobby of your own though, what did you do pre-kids?

OP he's being massively unreasonable. Of COURSE hobbies will have to change after having kids, that's just how it is. Kids come first. Why can he not arrange to play after she's in bed, she's only two so presumably she's not awake all evening.

He's taking the piss three times a week. Once a week would be more like it, and MIL certainly doesn't have to see her son/grandchild every single week without fail. It sounds like you've been completely run over.