Is this unfair of partner

[takka]

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

Can I just say I'm not going to video her crying ! I'm also not going to use that to get at him!! I'm not that sad!!

Can you explain how this man is a good father?

You say yourself that he comes first, not your dd (or you).
He doesn’t want to make any effort to spend time together as a family, something very important for a child.
She sees you being treated as second thought.

What is he doing that makes you say he is a good father?

There is a world of difference between not being home because you’re at work, and not being at home because you’re choosing to pursue a hobby Intensively.

No I don't work, I'm a sahm, but as soon as I mention that to him it's " oh well I'll stay home and you work then- literally can't win xx

Exactly @SinkGirl

Op he has absolutely no respect for you.

I suspect that this not just about the football.

People who are saying ‘but we both kept our hobbies and had time together’ are, I wouod imagine, people who have a partner that didn’t think everything shouod be done their way. That they should always come first. They wouod have had partners ready to support them (eg maybe by stopping/reducing said activity of a week or two because the child is ill or the poster is unwell and need support)

But what the OP is describing isn’t a balanced relationship where people still have interest outside the family life.
She is describing a situation where her DH does whatever he wants, hasn’t changed his way regardless of what she says and doesn’t take her POV into account (see the fact she now has to see her mil every week even though they dint get on - just because her DH has said so).

It’s not comparable.

Whether or not it is reasonable or not is irrelevant - fact is OP is not happy about it and wants to spend more family time together. You need to come to a compromise that you're both happy with and that's it. If he's not willing to compromise for the sake of your happiness there lies your problem - him.

Millie that’s very different to be outside the house because of work or because of a hobby.

How would you explain that daddy is AGAIN not at home because he has decided that his football is more important?

FWIW DH did that too. My dcs didn’t get hyper excited to see him at the weekend (well, he wasn’t there about half of the weekend anyway). They grew to learn that daddy isn’t there and the one important person is mummy. They learnt that daddy didn’t know what was going on, what was important or not. And actually didn’t mind at all when he went away for a few for work because afterall, that didn’t change the normal routine anyway....

I suspect this isn’t just about the football either.

How engaged with family life is he on the evenings and weekends you have together?

He sounds like an arsehole OP.

He is completely unreasonable expecting to please himself constantly and bugger what his family wants.

I'd be saying no more weekly MIL visits, that's family time. He can choose between MIL and the third night of football. I'd also be getting a hobby of my own and regularly going out. And I'd not be putting dinner on the table for him to gobble down in the 30 minutes he pit stops in your home.

And I'd be looking at getting a part time job if I were you. If DH really is this selfish then one day you'll be finished with him and you'll want to be able to support yourself.

He sounds lovely!

Op you really need to take time for yourself. Id be telling him you've signed up for an evening class, going to a mates or whatever 3 times a week and leave the house even if its just a walk to park or coffee shop etc. See how long it lasts..... And do not put DD to bed before you go.

That's all very well suggesting OP takes a tit for tat approach - but that doesn't get her what she wants - family time. Plus her DD misses out, and why should she. DH is the problem here, he's the one who needs to shift, not OP.

No I don't work, I'm a sahm, but as soon as I mention that to him it's " oh well I'll stay home and you work then- literally can't win xx

I recognise this and it gives me chills. If there is any way you can, please find a job and sort out childcare. Do not depend in this man.

His needs are what really matters. After all, he is The Man and The Breadwinner, right? Only you can decide if it's worth it, but I don't think you can change him. His life is just how he likes it and he will strongly resist any change.

Three nights a week is a piss take IMO. It is different if he goes out after DD is in bed, that’s fair enough, but to miss bedtime most weekdays for a hobby is not on. He has other responsibilities now. I would tell him he needs to reduce it to two unless he can go after she is in bed.

Being a SAHM and not having any hobbies yourself can’t be good for you though. I would try to get out a couple of nights to the gym or something yourself. It then let’s him see how much work being at home and doing bedtime alone is. I don’t think it is really ‘family time’ DD needs, it’s ‘daddy time’. I presume you have the weekends for family time.

He is his priority, you are the house help. He's using emotional blackmail to keep you in your place. Get a job, save, leave him. You and your dd are accessories to his life. You deserve better.

Imagine if you have more DC with this man, OP. More burden of childcare on you. If he won't change for one child, he won't for more. I say this as it happened to me and I wish I'd woken up to it sooner. Have you actually asked him to rearrange his time out?

Btw I don't mean 'burden' as in you don't love looking after your DC - maybe you do. My argument when it was me was that but I had kids so I could spend time with them, I wasn't looking to spend less time with them that I wanted to.

Compromise. Hubby cut down to 2 nights out per week. You go out one night a week- the night MIL goes over ☺️

It is selfish of him. Rather than making it about you, make it about DD as that is the person really affected (I know you are too).

Go along the lines that DD really needs him there more at the moment as she is getting very upset when he is not there and needs the reassurance. He can cut down the football for a few months and then when she is more settled he can pick up the extra session if he wants and then don't let him

OP, you have your answer. Get a job and make him give up his to look after DD full time - let's see how much energy he has for football after that.

Thankyou for your replies- re me going to work, we would lose out on around 400 a month, which would be too much to lose xx

How long is he playing for of an evening, as in when does he go and when does he come back?

Op, also are you unmarried ? Who owns the home?

2-3 hours per evening.
No not married, both own the house but he owns more- we're talking he owns 2/3 and me 1/3 if that xx

Also those saying I'm wrong etc how would you feel if the football on the whole was costing 85 a month? Playing football and football tickets?

Can he afford it ? obviously so.

I would have some empathy IF this were a new phenomenon, but it isn't. He's done this for your entire life together. And along with the other posters Its important. You didn't answer my previous Q - what did you do before before children?