Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unfair of partner

187 replies

takka · 21/05/2019 09:00

When me and my partner got together over 8 years ago I knew he did a lot of football 3-4 nights a week, which was absolutely fine up until recently, we have a dd who is almost 2 and recently dd has been asking for " daddy " a lot more, she stands at the door ( whilst he's at football ) and says daddy daddy in quite a sad voice, it's upsetting to see, but I was wondering if he is being unfair by still going 3 nights during week or if I'm asking too much for him to miss a game nown and again as I feel 2 nights during the week isn't really enough when your a family, also one of those 2 nights we get together his mum comes over one of them each week ( absolutely fine he needs to see his mum and dd needs to see gp, I'm not overly fussed mil has hurt me a lot in the past ) so that leaves 1 evening during the week for quality time with dd, aibu or is this him being abit selfish ? Fwiw he's here all weekend xx

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 21/05/2019 10:22

Err no your hobbies do stop after kids generally. One night a week each otherwise it's taking the piss out of one and making them the primary caregiver.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/05/2019 10:22

This wouldn’t work for my family, I’d feel alone all the time.
Someone asked you if you were struggling, it’s ok to struggle- you know that right? Your child can be your absolute world and you can still struggle...

How often do you get time alone op?

Bookaholic73 · 21/05/2019 10:24

If it’s 3x a week, she/you still have 4 nights a week when DH is home, together.
At that age she’ll be likely in bed before 7pm, so will hardly have time to miss him.
I agree that you are projecting on to your DD, saying she is sad and missing him, where it’s more likely YOU are the one feeling that way.

UnicornBrexit · 21/05/2019 10:24

I don't want to go out and do a hobby my ideal " me " time Is time with my baby and my partner as a family

What did you do before children OP? Because that twee picture you paint isn't healthy, it is over reliant and needy. You need to develop interests way from the home on a couple of the other 4-5 nights

Geminijes · 21/05/2019 10:24

He was playing football 3-4 nights a week when you met him.

You agreed with him that he could continue to play after having a child.

Now you have decided you want him to reduce the number of times he plays.

You're being unfair. There are at least 3 other nights he is home with his daughter plus the week-ends.

Alsohuman · 21/05/2019 10:27

What would you be doing with the family time? Presumably your daughter’s in bed by about 7. It’s not about her.

Original poster
takka · 21/05/2019 10:29

I'm not feeding it I haven't forced her to stand at the door and say daddy and yes she did ask for him whilst he's at work!!
It's not seasonal it's all year round

OP posts:
LemonTT · 21/05/2019 10:30

I don’t think taking out 6 hours a week to do your own thing is wrong. The OP should have 6 hours to do what she wants too. The spread is awkward in the sense that it prevents the OP from have 3 nights out. But she could have a Saturday morning to go do things with friends. If that is mutually acceptable.

It is unhealthy to be so wrapped in your family that you want to spend all of your time with them.

If in the position of the OPs husband I would be happy to agree equal personal time. I would be even happy to agree to change my spread of time out. I would not be happy to be told I had to spend all my non work time being with her and the child. He is doing something healthy, spending fun time with friends, balancing out his life. She should do the same. It’s 6 hours not every other Saturday all day to watch his team and drink before during and after.

A compromise would be that he changes to playing at the weekend and trains once in the week or at lunchtime. There are lots of non professional teams in the uk who train and play at different time. But I get he would lose out on time with his friends.

All in I spend about 10 hours a week walking and doing classes. I don’t even count what DP does but it would easily be the same. Yes he has a hobby but I am glad he has because it helps with his mental health.

outsho · 21/05/2019 10:31

Lots of things change when you have children, this is definitely one of them. Nobody can continue going out on the lash every night or even every weekend when they have children to consider so he needs to accept he can’t continue going to play a game three nights a week. It’s not compatible with family life.

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 10:33

He left me alone 3 days post c section to play a game of football with his friends!!

Would all the people saying he is being totally reasonable and she’s the neurotic one like to weigh in on this bit?

holdupthere · 21/05/2019 10:33

Do you work OP?
Or are you with DD 24/7

holdupthere · 21/05/2019 10:35

I would, and have, coped for a couple of hours on my own shortly after a c section yes Confused.
OP says he's gone for a couple of hours. Not playing a match then hours having a drink with the lads after, coming home steaming etc

araiwa · 21/05/2019 10:36

Playing football 3 times a week =/= going on the lash every night.

Yes playing 3 days after birth was unreasonable. But thats not the situation at hand

Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 10:36

You. Need. To. Distract. Your. Child. So what if she sits at the door asking for Daddy - she’s 2. Kids can easily forget. You just need to make more of an effort. Asking someone to give up a sport / hobby just because they’ve had a child isn’t the answer. Some of the answers on this thread would have been very different if he were the one telling YOU that you couldn’t do something as you needed to be at home with the kid.

Benes · 21/05/2019 10:37

So he plays 3x a week and goes and watches his professional team play....that is excessive.
MY DH plays once a week and has a season ticket to watch the team he supports. That's more than enough when you've got a family to consider.

Aprillygirl · 21/05/2019 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Eliza9919 · 21/05/2019 10:39

araiwa Tue 21-May-19 09:32:42
I think it would benefit everyone involved if both parents had a few hours a week doing their own thing.

2 hours, 3 times a week isnt excessive in any way and i would suggest op did the same. You get some time to yourself and they get some one on one time too

When do they get family time then?

I think he's a pisstaker.

araiwa · 21/05/2019 10:40

Why not take her to watch him play?

Alsohuman · 21/05/2019 10:41

How would they be getting family time when the child’s in bed?

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 10:41

OP, does he ever take her for evening/full days just on his own? Not asking whether you’d like him to, just whether he does/would? Do you think he’d be willing to do it if you woke up tomorrow and said “I’ve decided to take up badminton, you must facilitate this for me”?

Lazypuppy · 21/05/2019 10:42

But you have another 4 evenings snd 2 fays of the weekend together? And surely your dd is going to sleep when he is out at football? My partner plays football 2 evenings a week and all day saturday, i love it! Saturday is just me and dd, then sunday is our family day.

Evenings during the week we barely see eachother as either he's at football or on my evenings i'm at the gym or swimming.

After a day at work, we don't do anything as a family as dd goes to bed after dinner

mrsm43s · 21/05/2019 10:43

*He left me alone 3 days post c section to play a game of football with his friends!!

Would all the people saying he is being totally reasonable and she’s the neurotic one like to weigh in on this bit?*

It completely depends on the situation.

Was she still in hospital, supported, happy with things under control? Or at home with appropriate support in place (parents/friends etc)? In which case, taking a couple of hours out to do a hobby and have some down time is not unreasonable, however dramatically it's written.

If he left her alone, at home, distressed, unable to cope with no support and against her wishes, then yes that would be unreasonable.

Its hard to tell, as OP likes to put dramatic emotional spin on things.

Lazypuppy · 21/05/2019 10:43

Why not take her to watch him play?

^^ this! We do this in the nicer weather maybe once every other week in the evening

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 10:44

I would also be impressed if he’s managing to get a whole match in, plus travel time there/back, plus changing and showers, all in two hours, but maybe he’s playing 5 a side or something.

53rdWay · 21/05/2019 10:45

Was she still in hospital, supported, happy with things under control? Or at home with appropriate support in place (parents/friends etc)?

Do you think she’d be giving it as evidence of him being unreasonable if she was happy about it?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.