To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

I couldn't give a shit about the other parents. I drop and run, pick up and run, and take a book to every birthday party. I can't understand any woman who invests time in playground cliques (which is what they are, from what I've observed of them). But perhaps it's different for parents who don't work outside the home (I'm always rushing) and / or have younger kids so want to meet for play dates 🤷

I haven’t made a single friend. No one says hello or chats. I’m too shy to go up and talk to people so don’t either tbh. But they aren’t the friendliest bunch at my kids school. Kids have never been invited to parties either, which according to MN is “concerning” but I think some schools it just isn’t the done thing. I’m also in London

You could ask the same question about any group of people you happen to associate with?

Colleagues - friends or frenemies?
Neighbours - friends or frenemies?
People you went to school with - friends or frenemies?

It just depends on who they are and who you are and what else is going on in everyone else's lives for that time period . Luck or fate or whatever

I think it depends on the parents. Some people are just rude. At our school we are all pleasant and polite. Not friends but then again why would we be?

I knew nobody when we started at the school. Have made lots of friends and we do go on holiday together. 😊 I would say I had to be very friendly and do some hosting to achieve this but now regularly socialise with 6 families.
Be open minded. Remember if people already know each other that doesn't make them a, 'clique'. Make an effort

I don't ever feel part of the "mum club"

It's my DM that does drop offs and pick ups as I'm working. On the odd time I can make it there's definitely cliques from what I can see (although each clique looks very friendly in their small circle) I see them at birthday parties and when I was chatting with some about general life one of them asked me, "why I chose to work full time?!" Apparently she'd never met a teacher that was a mum that worked full time. That put me off attempting to make general chit chat. She didn't have much to reply to when I told her I didn't know a bank that gave a mortgage for free.

Another time another mum was chatting to me at a party and it turns out she only wanted to speak to me to ask me to give my head her number as she was looking for supply work. Lovely.

In fairness I am slightly jealous of the mums that can pick up and drop off every day and get to see all the shows and things so I dare say my opinions on the school mums at my place are tainted by that. Lol

Made some fabulous friends. Still in year 2 so it’s early days but yes they are a big part of my social circle. Sometimes it gets a bit weird/intense if your kids fall out or there are birthday party issues but so far no real problems.

Think it’s a mix, most people are not looking to make new friends but if it turns out that way it’s nice. To be honest I made few friends until summer term as basically was cold and raining in playground so everyone had hoods up, huddled and ran home but now it’s summer walk home is via park, everyone just outside a bit more and so more naturally bump into people and form friendships.

I work FT and don’t get involved in school gate politics,inevitably it gets fraught
The PTA are a cliquey cabal who fall in/out with each other and berate other parents
Don’t love my life vicariously through my kids they are at school,I’m not
so there’s no reason to look for new besties,school isn’t my world or my social milieu
Genuinely don’t know how you’ll find it

My school is cliquey,certain tribes all hang together and there’s a hierarchy

Don’t live my life vicariously through my kids they are at school,I’m not

Thanks to circumstances, I've been round different primaries.

No two have the same playground dynamic.

Recently due to my DDs bevahiour I've avoided the school run where possible.

However, last week some truly fucked up stuff was said to me by the acting head and the parents have rallied round me so kindly.

I didn't want to make friends, I have a very small group of friends, who are split round the country and globe. It's easiest that way for me. But I have bonded with another mum who has experienced some of the same, or similar, problems with this school that we now are, as a result of my kids SEN and behaviour.

You just got to observe, bide your time, don't give away too much too soon. It's easier then to see who is worth chatting to, who your kid is friends with and who their parents are, etc.

You get out what you put in, my dd is now in year 1 and I made the effort to say hello to the other Mums and made small talk, it was incredibly hard at first because I'm very shy and suffer from anxiety but I forced myself and I'm now good friends with 3 of them and there's a WhatsApp group which includes every parent.

I've also had a few of them round after school which has been a good way to get to know the mums too.

I think the ones who say it's cliquey are the ones who never initiate a conversation or join in and choose to stand alone, of course those who know each other a bit stand with each other, it's not a clique.

DC1 has a horrible class...... the parents were rude and cliquey. I gave up trying to make friends. DC2 had a lovely class with great parents. I hung out with them. (Same school). It's the luck of the draw, OP.

I put on a smile and give it to anyone who looks at me directly, apart from that I only talk to people I know ( only 3 close friends that I've know since we were very young and a few acquaintances) I generally couldn't give a shiny shit about making friends with new people. One of my close friends tries to make friends with certain people though, think she's trying to move up the ranks of class since she moved to her big house 😂

I think most schools offer a happy middle ground. We have a class WhatsApp where we pop class party invites, reminders about school trips etc. I know the mums of my sons friends to say hello/invite them in for a cup of tea when picking up from playdates. And everyone says hello in the playground. But I didn’t go in expecting to make new best friends.

There are a couple of mums I have socialised with out of school because our younger children are the same age and will be starting school in the same year- but that’s only been a couple of trips to the park/local soft play.

I struggle to fit in time to go out in the evening with my proper friends, without befriending the school gate mums just because we happened to pop out babies in the same year!!

When dc1 started school I had loads of friends at the school, we lived in a village and had gone through playgroups etc together. When we moved to a different town and dc1 started at new school, I found I did make friends with her fiends parents, but really that’s all I had in common with them, the dc. I’ve grown apart from the majority as they have got older, although still meet with one of them, but our friendship group also includes people who don’t have dc in our year group/school. Dc3 is now 8 and I’m not friends with any of her friends parents. I chat casually to them at the gate, but am quite happy to stand by myself and don’t try to get involved with any conversations/playground gossip etc.

I think you can make the school run what you want it to be. If you want it to a place to make friends, you can do. If you want to drop and run and not converse with any one while you are there, that’s also fine.

My only tip is to try to get to know a couple of parents if you can. You never know when you might need a favour, or if you loose a really important letter and can’t remember what time class assembly/sports day/homework task is you will then have someone to ask.

Ive found both. I have friends i go camping with who I met at the school gate. And other people who look at me like I'm dirt.
I dont see the school gate as any different than other bits of my life - i made one of my best friends at the bus stop as we got the same bus everyday, another lived next door, some from work, some from hobbies. I've stood next to the same people for 7 years so i made some friends.

Both of your friends are right. I'm in London too.

I've made fantastic friends among the parents in my daughter's year at every one of the three schools she's been to so far, and am still in touch with them despite moving schools. Lots of parties and pub get-togethers; camping together; music festivals, etc.

I haven't had the same experience with the parents in my son's year at all: I've been for coffee with a handful of individual mothers, and like them very much, but haven't found the same dynamic with them.

I would say you get out what you put in, but having put in the same effort with both year groups, I know this isn't true. I think I've been very lucky with my daughter's year, and I hope you are, too.

I've made loads of friends. Easiest time of my adult life to make new friends.

My best friends are from the school pick up. Everyone was always really friendly, picked up each other's DC if we were running late and had lots of coffees, drinks etc. We have had camping trips, dad's sailing weekends and mum's weekends away (12-15 people sometimes!).

However we were all SAHM or very PT. Similar backgrounds. Spent a lot of time at playgroups or each other's houses.

I think it may depend on how much you want to be involved with the school and the school - based community. Do you want to be involved with the PTA (which often means helping with xmas fair etc but also means you get to be aware of what is going on with the school, how things like gardening clubs could happen, what books the library needs etc) and do you want to be part of the community - play dates for the children, having someone who can pick up /baby sit, finding out about out of school groups like Rainbows through word of mouth etc.
Or do you want the school to just be your child's thing and you just drop off and pick up.
Which school life you want will make a difference to whether you look at the other parents as potential friends or not.

The very people who are the clique always vehemently deny being cliquey
Always someone else fault,they’re all being chatty and lovely.its others who’re weird
Except if you were to ask the group who are the school clique,the same names would chime

Go on holiday together
Shudder!

I think putting no effort into making school Mum friends is fine, if you and the kids have loads of friends outside school, and you have absolutely watertight plans for all emergencies. Part of the benefit of Mum friends is sharing lifts to parties, covering family or work emergencies, and just generally being a support network when something goes wrong. If you don't need that, that's great.

Depend on your other damands,if you’re working you didn’t have time to hang out
If you don’t work,then yes you’ll have the time to hang out together
I will sound a note of caution,the pushy alpha mums inevitably fall out with folk over time