To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

So a woman is not worthy of engaging with at the school gate but half an hour later in the office she is? We all wear many hats. Not sure why school mums get such flack and as for terms such as 'queen bee' z Really? No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I made a handful of friends, we stayed a group of friends for a fair few years, gradually dropped off a bit now our 4 year olds have turned 15 - most went to different schools so have drifted apart. Stayed very good friends with one mum, and she will be a friend for life. Our girls are friends - still go to ballet together but not school, wont go to same college either. Have had holidays etc with them and can rely on them, and them us, in any crisis.

@Vulpine

That’s a good point. I guarantee if I happened to work in the same office as any of the women at school, we’d chat away quite the thing.

I think it depends on your expectations. I've seen many, many threads on here from women who don't have much of a social life and have been under the impression that once their DC started Reception they'd suddenly have a close-knit group of new Mum friends who they'd be going out for coffee, to the gym or the park with everyday, going on nights out with and texting all the time etc. Then when that fails to materialise they're disappointed and think that it must be because everyone is "rude" or "standoffish".

Maybe some people do end up making friends for life at the school gates but I think most people probably make friendly aquantainces instead and that's probably a more realistic thing to aim for. I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have an older DC in Reception. I know that once I'm back at work I'm only going to be doing pick up/drop off one day a week and will barely have time to maintain longstanding friendships, let alone a whole new circle of mum friends. So I'm friendly, happy to chat in the playground, will attend a social if someone organises one and am on the class FB group but that's about as deep as it goes and I'm ok with that. If I'd been expecting to make a set of new close friends I'd probably be disappointed.

Mafia? Cliques? Cabals? What a load of melodramatic playground hyperbole

No, it's really not and it isn't helpful to be so dismissive. The drama of teenagers in high school very often spills into adulthood. People don't magically grow up and change just because they are no longer at school. Bitchiness, intimidation etc are still with adults otherwise work place bullying wouldn't exist. Unpleasantness on the playground, excluding other parents etc does happen.

I've made two genuine long lasting friendships from my school-run days (I'm 41 DC are mid teens).

We as a family moved about, lived abroad, came back.

Went on nights out and lunches/barbecues sometimes, fun to socialise but that didn't replace my longtime friends. Didn't expect it to.

I've also experienced bitchiness and cliquiness for no apparent reason (that I could think of). Self appointed Queen Bees do exist and I generally swerved them, though they are fascinating to watch at times.

It's like any walk of life like others have said. In an office for example there will always be some gossipy cliquey types (men and women) that are amusing for a bit and other people you want to keep in your life though those are far more rare.

I am glad to have missed out on the school-run WhatsApp group generation (just) , can't think of anything worse. And for parents with social anxiety, can't think of anything more paranoia- inducing.

True friends and family only on WhatsApp groups for me. That includes my two fab friends I met via the school-run.

Some of you have really suffered bad experiences at hands of school gate cliques
Seems to be a very recurrent theme,unpleasant people and ghastly behaviour

Replicated in a number of different locations

Quite sad really

I've found it mixed - I'd be friendly wouldn't get too hung up on it all. On the other hand, it's a shame to read people think no 'school mums' are worth interacting with at all - how sexist and clichéd. They're people like you, like you'd find anywhere else, just dropping their kids off. If you do make some friends, it makes for an easy social life to know people locally - no driving those nights out. Useful if you're stuck getting back from work for pick up too.

Sorry but baffled. How can “school parents” be vilified?! The group consists of every parent that has a primary aged child! So the most varied group ever! We can’t all be bastards. All of us bar the child free are school parents are we everyone (including you I guess) unpleasant and ghastly? Very odd position to take.

You’re being purposefully obtuse,posters have given detailed descriptions of the school mums/school parents they mean

It’s the behaviour and demeanour that’s of the pta/school gate parents that’s the issue. Not whether they have a child

But you already know that and are purposefully going off at a tangent

Well I made a conscious effort to have nothing to do with anyone and just smile politely when going in the playground. I noticed another woman doing exactly the same thing after a couple of weeks - always standing on her own, smiled politely at the alphas. Our boys became friends so we got to know each other slowly. She's been my absolute best mate for the last 12 years (our DS's have long since left the school and drifted apart years ago) and I don't know what I'd do without her.

But you already know that and are purposefully going off at a tangent

that sound like someone who must be a dream on the playground, talk about drama makers!

You’ve quoted my post,and i genuinely don’t know what point you’re making

Taylor,is making a tangential point.

It’s the behaviour and demeanour of the pta/school gate parents that’s the issue. Not whether they have a child. This isn’t a phenomenon about mum with school kids.it is the phenomenon of schoolgates/pta mums.

But everyone is a school gate parent!. We pick our kids up. The good the bad and the ugly. Some you don’t approve of ok but when I look round the playground I see a random selection of the public collecting their kids grannies dads nannies . Not that I do anymore am far to uncool to be seen with dd2

You’re being wilfully obtuse,you understand it’s about specific behaviour,
Read the thread,the recurrent theme of the schoolgate politics,the pta
How posters felt the cliquey behaviour was detrimental to their mental heath

So clearly majority aren’t saying I am them,they are me,we have a common defining experience as parents
In fact it’s the polar opposite Swift.posters are distancing selves from inappropriate behaviour they described

Doesn’t make any sense to me sorry. But keep on making up stereotypical groups to hate on of it amuses you - abit like mother in law jokes. Don’t like the misogynistic edge to the “school mum” hate. Nasty undertones.

The pta types I have met are worthy types the direct opposite of bitchy.

Ahh that ole selective reading of yours
Funny enough,I expect if someone agreed with you that you’d understand that post

If all the PTA types are so lovely& worthy why are there such recurrent themes?
Why can’t these worthy folk motivate and galvanise other parents?
Because they’re not worthy in motive and their behaviour alienates folk

No reread and didn’t make much sense to me. But you hate women who volunteer to raise funds for schools we get that. Weird group to hate on but nowt as queer as folk

If schools were populated by posters like lipstick then the playground would be a wonderful place to be. Nothing better than people all looking suspiciously at each other as they all think everyone else has a sinister motive for being friendly. And there'd be no PTA. Sounds like a wonderful place to be

I really want to join our schools pta but am scared of them!!

It's how you view the world. cliques, cabals, mafia, queen bees and 'alphas' are nearly all in the eye or the mind of the beholder, and a couple of those terms are only ever directed at women.

Formerbabe - maybe they think you're unapproachable too!

Formerbabe - maybe they think you're unapproachable too

I don't think they even know I exist.