To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

Thanks @Usuallyinthemiddle ! It's sad that I now wonder if people dislike me because I'm on the PTA, and also have a group of school mum friends that I socialise with outside of school. Perfectly normal things in my world. But MN is a weird place!

Southern no
You reassured me your pta is nice,normal etc but can’t get volunteers
It’s not a huge leap to reflect well clearly something isn’t working if all the nice,normals cannot persuade other parents to volunteer
Yiu directly asked for recommendation, I declined as well that’s your thing.not mine

Love wings post - that reflects our experience too. We have a community around the kids now, more fun activities, trips, short breaks, support if needed etc. When in laws let us down for childcare for my sisters wedding we had a choice of 3 families our kids could stay with for the weekend. Kids older now we still friends go off and do stuff just adults. My parents still friends with couples they met when we at primary and I’m 44!

There a group of mums from dds school who still meet up even though the children are all at University now. I was a part of the clique until I accidentally invited some unacceptable mums along to a get together. Never got invited again.

Poor me.

You got kicked out your own clique,Ursula ?how did that happen?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee have a look at the post where you made it personal to me, and think about how you could have made your point in a more general way. Whatever your personal experience, you did not need to say what you did.
I genuinely believe I am a nice person. But that doesn't mean I can't bite back if someone is rude and judgemental towards me. As someone has already said, the irony.

I'm not sure how I ended up in the clique really. Probably my off the wall humour and my inability to conform.. I think I was accepted in as an oddity. But then I took some, erm, WOC along to a gathering. The reaction was startling.

I’ve never understood the angst about playground cliques. I’m in my 10th year of primary school involvement now, and I work, so I do about half the school runs per week. I’ve always just been friendly to everyone , chatted to whoever I happened to be standing next to. Over time I’ve got to know some parents more than others obviously, usually due to our kids being friends with eachother.
I’ve helped with the PTA when I can, and I’ve been on one or two nights out (but I don’t like going out in the evening so it’s pretty rare).
I’ve never fallen out with anyone. There are some parents I have nothing in common with, and some I have lots on common with. I communicate with several of them by text , and sometimes meet up or do things together like running, gym etc.
I would say I have 1 or 2 friends from school who I will keep in touch with after my time at primary ends next year, but probably only because we live close.
Overall I would say my experience has been fine - nice enough people, no soul mates, few lowkey friends, many acquaintances. No drama.

If for no other reason OP, it’s worth being friendly to everyone because you never know when you’ll get stuck in traffic or whatever, and need someone to collect your kids!

*You reassured me your pta is nice,normal etc but can’t get volunteers
It’s not a huge leap to reflect well clearly something isn’t working if all the nice,normals cannot persuade other parents to volunteer *

oh yes, because it's very easy to get people to volunteer and if half the school doesn't, it must be the PTA's fault

It's that easy that no school struggles to get volunteer either - in state or private school, all parents are bouncing around ready to give their free time.

meanwhile, in the real world...

I don't get this. Why do they have to be anything to you? Do you expect other customers in the same supermarket as you to be your friend? Or other patients in the same doctors waiting room? If you organically form a friendship then fine. But otherwise why is there some expectation that other mothers must be something to you? I don't talk with other parents because I have no need to. If I needed to, I would. But I'm just there to pick up or drop off my kid, end of. It makes me feel really uncomfortable after reading on Mumsnet mums who are analysing and judging the behaviour of other mums because it makes me feel judged too - should I make an effort to be BFFs with people I don't want to be BFFs with? Or should I care that a few mums know each other and - God forbid - TALK to each other in the playground, and declare them a 'clique' for not rushing over to include me, a stranger, in their talks and plans? It's all so weird.

I was burnt badly by the playground mafia. I moved to a new area and tried hard to make new friends through the school run. I made the “mistake” of befriending a lady who wasn’t liked. The queen bee (who I didn’t know was the queen bee) then decided to transfer her dislike onto me. It’s been truly awful and my mental health has taken a huge battering through it. My original friend has now left the area (mainly due to this queen bee bullying) so I’m left on my Todd with it. I really thought I’d have a great chance to meet friends for life but it hasn’t worked out that way for me. I’m even thinking of moving so that I can get a fresh start. I live in a London commuter town and wonder if a village may be easier/kinder?

It’s notoriously difficult to get volunteers - always has been always will be. Not just in schools either. Not the fault of the organisation. Most people have busy lives esp at the small child stage of life or are lazy and being in a pta means effort and hassle. it’s not a reflection on the personalities of those in the pta itself. Though slagging them off is a great way of justifying to yourself why you don’t volunteer! There stems the pta hate.

I'm an outsider in a village. DC1's class parents were very stand-offish not interested in saying anything beyond hello. Most grew up here, knew each other, my DS has SN. The only one who was friendly had a child with SN.
DC2's class are lovely. I know I could put out a message on the WhatsApp and any would take the DC in an emergency. They invite DC2 and DC1 around to play. They also mostly grew up here and know each other and all are happy to chat at pick up/drop off. I can only think it's because there are more in DC2's class who are the older child.

Just wait they are in Y6. I wa part of a committee organising the leavers party, year book and gift to the school. We started with 10 and in the end we were 4. It really shows you who are your friends and who are your enemies. And don’t forget the insults and complains from mums who couldn’t bother coming to meets but talking behind our back. And we were very flexible when and where to meet to cater for all of them.

Some left disgusted with the whole poinsones atmosphere, some like DH stormed out when he was fed up with answering the same question over and over again. He did the book but never spoke to some parents ever again.

We threatened to cancel but pulled through as we didn’t want to have 65 disappointed children, it wasn’t their fault that their mums were drama queens.

I spoke to some mums who have still children at school and told them several home truth, also how the school operated about this.

Once the children go to secondary we may never see each other again (except my one friend), but it's all been very nice and chatty

I always wonder about this, these people who invest so heavily in the primary playground/school run does it all just stop abruptly when kids go to secondary.

Reminds me of the time dh volunteered to man the pta bbq alongside my friend (both work full time). People had to wait for their burgers (it’s an event manned by volunteers not professional caterers) and some people got arsey with dh. Big mistake on their part . Still dh and my friend bonded for life over that experience!

Mafia? Cliques? Cabals? What a load of melodramatic playground hyperbole

Playground politics are rife in our (London) school. DC1's class - unfriendly, horrendously cliquey to begin with, but a few people left/fell out, dynamics changed and now, after a good few years, are a really, really nice class. Not close (as in holidays together) but everyone gets on well and mucks in for fundraisers, school activities, helping each other out etc.

DC2's class - lovely to begin with, lots of socialising and fun, but a few people fell out (again!) and it is now a rather more fractured, tricky class (parent-wise at least). So you never can tell.

I would say don't invest too much emotional energy in school playground friends. Great if you can be 'matey' for playdates, all the PTA stuff etc. but these are people you may well quickly lose touch with once all your kids go off to different secondaries - and only a very few will likely remain long-term friends.

I'm guessing on here some peoples idea of a clique is just a group of people who happen to get on well

There’s always someone who says this on a school mum thread! It’s as predictable as the day is long and very disingenuous. I’m sure the cliquey mums in my PFB’s former class would insist that they were just a group of women who were so lucky to have been thrown together and are just lovely friends who have a lovely time together.

Of course they wouldn’t acknowledge how frosty they were to others, the turned backs, the sneers (seriously, I once arrived and one of the queen bees turned around to see who it was... the sneer was Oscar worthy), the secret WhatsApp group, the social media hashtag (they had their own hashtag ) and how that made everything rather impenetrable to anyone considered not worthy.

It messed with my mental health big time initially. It was the blowing hot and cold of some mums, one day they'd be all matey and the next you'd get ignored. It felt like I was playing a game everyone else had the rules for and I didn't.

Don't know any of the school mums closely. Also, as some previous posters, have been asked at the parties / school events "why are you choosing to working full time?" and "awww don't you think your DC misses you terribly?". After that prefer no contact, thankfully the nanny does drop offs and pick ups.

I made some great friends with primary school mums and even though our children aren't at primary school any more we still meet up regularly.

I was determined to make friends as soon as I started. You will find all kinds of parents there and you won't get on with everyone but you will find some who are like you, just make an effort to join in and it will be fine.

I miss primary days, you don't get to meet many parents through secondary school.

I've been very lucky, I get on with everyone. But now the kids are coming to the end of year one, we have all moved into cliques a little bit. We all talk to each other and there's nothing unkind of exclusive about them, just we've found the people we naturally click with better. Although they do shift still. One mum seems very intimidating at first, but now people are starting to see she's lovely, she's becoming part of more circles.

I do feel for parents moving in part way through the year, it could easily look like we're all cliquey and difficult to approach at first.

It's fabulous when they go to High School because there's no chance for anything like this; you stay in your car many, many metres from the school entrance, they silently slump into the car at 3pm and you scoot home as fast as you can while they text each other furiously (truly, my 13 year old will text his mate while his mate is sat in the back of the exact same car rather than open his mouth and speak). It's bliss.

There are definitely cliques in Infant and Junior schools around here, and as a Reception teacher I've seen parents snub other parents for simply being "not like us". It's not unimaginable to think that those parents in that clique would tell themselves "we're not a clique, we're just friends" if challenged on their shitty behaviours.

I've made some wonderful friends through the DC over the years. But I think not being there every single day helps; I'm a bit of a dash-in-dash-out sort so it's a novelty seeing other parents in my DC's classes, especially because some have been absolute lifesavers over the years. The friends I've made, though, would have been friends if I'd met them in any other place because they're all very lovely and straightforward. The complicated friendships aren't for me.

Like anywhere really luck of the draw some workplaces you meet the odd proper friend you stay in touch with when you move on likewise through kids. My neighbor has twins and says one twins class extremely friendly lots of stuff going on and the other twins class the exact opposite!