To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

Luck of the draw what you get - ours is generally OK, apart from that there tends to be a split down the middle a bit between the very ostentatiously middle class parents and the slightly rougher around the edges parents who have enough money to afford to live around school too. I'll talk to pretty much anyone - but there are a fair few who cling to their little group in their little spot on the playground and try to avoid interaction with anyone else. Same as everywhere really apart from this split along socio-economic lines that we really have going on on our playground.

There are days I can't be fucked with the playground politics to the extent I pop the kids in breakfast club to get a bit of a break from it though!

I've found the best thing is to say morning to whoever is next to you. This sorts of builds into chit chat. Those that look unfriendly are normally the opposite. So I try not to judge and speak to whomever is around. However I would say these are only acquaintances and not friends.

I have been looking out for the excitement of schoolgate drama since I joined MN for breastfeeding advice. MN had me convinced it was going to be like watching Eastenders in 3D.

Was it? No. We're hitting secondary school soon, and in all these years I haven't seen any.

People turn up, say hello to the mum/dad of their kid's best friend, and scoot off again.

Frankly I usually work from home and can’t really chat to clients as have to be professional so am eager to chat to anyone at the school gate. Actually I pick dd up when she doesn’t really need it to pass the time of day with someone. Tragic!

Sometimes it really is the case that you come across as unapproachable without realising it. That’s what I discovered about myself from when I was a young person and had very few friends. I found out years later that the people who knew me thought I didn’t want to be friends with them.

I don’t have many school mum friends, but I have one close friend (our DDs are best friends) and I know a few more of them to chat with. I’ve got to know more of them since DD2 started school (she’s in year 2 now), as she’s always been very popular whereas DD1 (10) struggles socially.

I just don’t word about cliques, and there are a couple of those. A clique is different from a friendship group, I think, in that a friendship group is inclusive to other friends, unlike a clique. But cliques don’t have to be an issue, there will always be mums who are not part of a clique and who will be open to making new friends.

It’s probably a bit simplistic, as I’m sure there are places where it’s hard to join in, but if you go there expecting to be excluded, you probably will be. If you’re friendly to others, there will mostly be someone who responds positively to you.

I keep to myself. I was new to the area when ds started nursery then school here. I've gotten to know a few faces in the five or so years since, I'll smile, nod and say hello to a familar face, but that's about it. The only people I'll really chat to are two ladies I used to work with, and one of my ex's mates (or his dad, who I also know). Oh and a relative of mine who occassionally does picks for another relative of theirs.

If my son had went to the same primary school I did, I'd know most of the other mums and dads quite well, I went to school with a lot of them myself, but the other side of that is most of them know my dirty secrets/family issues from my teenage years etc, in a way people don't here (thank god). I kind of like the relative anonymity/being the mysterious outsider, even if I do feel a bit left out sometimes.

I forgot to mention, most of the mums and dads at ds's school actually went to the school themselves, and have known each other/played/socialised together forever.

Actually I pick dd up when she doesn’t really need it to pass the time of day with someone. Tragic!

This was me, but worse !! Sorry don't mean any offence . I know my obsession with the school run was unhealthy now lol

My lack of friends, no social life and being lonely that school run and school mum "friend" was the highlight of my day and eased the loneliness, we are no longer friends anymore though.

I have a job now and put my child in breakfast club every morning even tho I don't need to as my job doesn't start till 10:30 , and I'm not there at home pick up the whole week due to hrs at work , but it's bliss not seeing the parents and the awkwardness seeing the ex-friend !

Hate the school run glad when he leaves primary school

I meant I do the home time pick up some days of the week but not the whole week, unfortunately I still have to do some of the school run , not out of it scott free !

I’m not lonely or lack friends but mid afternoon after a days drafting it’s quite nice to moan about the weather or discuss holiday plans

I have made some wonderful friends at DD's school. We socialise together and visit when people have left the area.

It's quite amusing observing the different cliques.
Everyone has their own area where they stand.
Then there are a few individuals (myself included) scattered around who are just there to pick their children up and then rush off to get on with their routine.

It's great if you are welcomed into a group of friends.
They have regular meet ups which they publish on facebook, but the meet ups are exclusive to the group of mums and their kids.

When my firstborn started school I used to feel really self conscious and rejected stood their own my own, but now with child 4 I can honestly say it doesn't worry me in the slightest.

The only thing that does annoy me is that some of the mums are so absorbed in their own conversations that they don't supervise their kids (Key stage 1 kids have to wait on the playground for 10 minutes for older siblings to finish) and they fail to notice if their little ones wander off or if they're throwing their drink bottles up in the air (until they hit someone on the head).

Which ever way you look at it, it's an eye opener.

It's never going to be the same everywhere, wherever you go there will be cliques. But there will also be nice friendly people, and some people will be thinking exactly the same as you, dreading everyone making friends and them being left out. To be honest if you want to make friends at the school then you just need to be friendly and approachable. I hear a lot on here say they have no intention of chatting to the other mums, I have no idea why though! It can be helpful to know some of the other mums though as sometimes the school will have something on that you've forgotten about (if you are anything like me). I have one ds who is in year one and the parents of his class are all really nice and friendly, but I have a ds in reception and the parents are quite private, not many chat at all, so I think it depends on luck really.

@formerbabe why are you scared of them?! What do they do to provoke fear??

Wow!! I wrote this and it said "cannot post at this time" so I didn't even know it was up! Let alone all the responses!!

So generally from the nursery gate I speak to whoever is standing there a sort of... "isn't the weather nice etc" but nothing groundbreaking. Doesn't matter who it is. But I have noticed that there is a divide between the posh parents and not posh parents. I'm somewhere stuck in between so wonder if that's something that will follow me.

I'm lucky enough to have friends that I Have known since I was in school so I'm not in a mad rush to find new friends but none of my friends have kids yet so it would be nice to have that support of... "oh I'm not well can you take DC to school" or "can some send me a picture of X letter" that kind of thing. I like to think I'm generally friendly to anyone.

In terms of the PTA I'm not too sure where I fit in there. I work from home and have a younger child who will be starting at different nursery in the same months so I'm gonna be the pretty busy anyway but I will help out where I can. (If that's even how it works? 🤷🏻‍♀️)

But thanks for all the replies. I'm still working my way through them. ☺️

But I have noticed that there is a divide between the posh parents and not posh parents. I'm somewhere stuck in between so wonder if that's something that will follow me

@MessyMummy15

I'm the same. It's like a social class wilderness. Both sides of the social spectrum don't seem to know what to make of me.

swift,don’t erroneously paraphrase me. I didn’t say I hate PTA.you made that up
In keeping with most of the thread I have found schoolgate politics. Tiresome,and the PTA cliquey and unpleasant
And reading the thread, cliques and unpleasant behaviour is a recurrent theme

Why does anyone have to make something of you? What does it matter where you be come from? Just say hello and chat.

And reading the thread, cliques and unpleasant behaviour is a recurrent theme

and it takes one to know one clearly

Why does anyone have to make something of you? What does it matter where you be come from?

It shouldn't matter but it does. The middle class lot look down on me yet the working class mums think I'm a snooty cow. I'm not, I'm friendly to everyone. But seriously, when you say hello to someone who you've previously had a pleasant chat with and they look at you and completely blank you, what are you meant to do?!

Dh,you’re resoonse makes no sense,nor the inappropriate smike😀
read the thread,the majority of threads are describing cliques.that not my hyperbole . It’s a factual observation.
It’s the experience of the majority on the thread

but there are a fair few who cling to their ......... little spot on the playground

Everyone has their own area where they stand

Apart from the fact this is pretty normal / instinctive behaviour, and you will find wherever you go regularly, people will sit / stand in the same place every time, it makes twice as much sense when you are standing in the playground, as your dc know where to find you.
Standing in the same place really, really really doesn't = 'clique'

Totally agree JamieVardy

I don't do camping (misses point)...

Made some genuine friends with first DC who I like spending time with. Second DC - a couple but I wasn't so keen as I already knew people and the school system. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to talk to people at the school run if I'm unwell (chronic illness) so I hide behind sunglasses.
It's pretty random so you might not find people you actually have things in common with. If it works out that you do, it's nice! Talking about children gets a bit boring after a while.

I didn't make many friends with the parents in DS1's year. I think there's a couple of reasons - he didn't go to the local preschool as we'd just moved and also I had DS2 to care for so couldn't join in with coffee etc

I've made loads of friends with parents from DS2's year, including my best friend. I have a lot more free time to socialise and am on the school committee. DS's year's parents are not all that pleasant though, I've met some interesting ones ! They probably say the same about me!

Some people aren't bothered about chatting in the playground. A friend of mine (kids at different school to mine) hates the school run and appears at the last minute to pick up her children so she doesn't have to hang around and feel obliged to talk to people. She's a lovely person and spends ages chatting to me and her other friends, of which there are many. She just hates small talk and CBA. Fair enough