To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

My child has SEN therefore at best it is the parting of the red seas and pity whispers when I arrive at the playground. At worst it's verbal and written complaints about the monster that is my autistic son. I've never known a more hideous group of people than who I met at the school gates.

I didn't think I would become good friends with other school gate mums, I had a lot of friends anyway and a fulfilling part time job. I was wrong, and I'm glad. The advantages of finding some friends at the school gate are:

• your kids have a better time of it socially. Well at least that's absolutely the case at our school. If the Mums are friends then they set social stuff up for their kids, so lots more opportunities for kids to grow friendships. It's not a conspiracy to exclude others, it's just the way social interaction happens naturally. Also, being friends with other parents is modelling to the children how to do friendships, they like seeing me enjoy the company of their friends' parents in the playground, and put effort into those friendships, and it makes them do the same with their peers in the playground.
• practically their support comes in very handy. If I'm late from work, or we have a weirdly timed inset day or I need a lift to a party then one of my mates would be happy to oblige.
• you help build a community around your children, which makes them feel more rooted and secure. The first time my daughter walked to school by herself in Year 5 I wasn't at all anxious because I knew that en route she would pass at least a couple of my friends on the school run and they would report back to me if she was doing something silly, and they would know her well enough to tell her off for crossing the road unsafely. If there was some problem in between school and home there would be 10 different adults they trust that my children could go to if he couldn't find me.

I am good friends with a couple of Mums who work full time and only make one drop off or pick up a week, but they come to socials, invite people over at the weekend, offer lifts to parties etc and so they still feel part of things. personally I think a couple of good friendships at the school gate make for a more pleasant experience for you and your kids. School will dominate their life, and therefore yours to some degree . . . .so why not make it easier?

Meh, same as any other group of people that are plonked together through no choice of their own. I've made a few friends that i see outside the school gate, most mums seem superficially friendly - no reason not too really, it's not like you spend more than 5/10 minutes a day in each other's company.
Some people see "cliques" where there are friends too - when I'm there for pick up (which is only once a week because i work full time), i tend to talk to the few mums i know rather than any others because i don't see them as oftem as I'd like.

I dont participate in the social side “mums” night anymore. Too tiresome,cliquey
I’m friends with 1 mum and we both work FT in v similar fields.

I didn't really make many friends among the other school mums. It bothered me a little, but not hugely. Some of them had clearly known each other for a good long time (in some cases because they had older DC who were higher up the school). Also, I didn't have a lot in common with most of them. Two or three were nice enough. DS had a few parties and went to a few, but not that many of the DC seemed to have parties.

Just coming to the last term of reception and I think it's been a real mixture. Definitely made some lovely friends, largely through just getting stuck in, doing the pta meetings, class trip, birthdays, making the effort to go to the park after school and just trying to have a bit of a laugh and a joke at the school gates.

As the year has gone on its definitely apparent that some people already have older children at the school so already have friendship groups established, some parents already knew each other from preschools in the area, there seem to be a few kids from the same families in DS class and there are some parents who I never see because I pick up from afterschool club twice a week. I have tended to make friends with other 'first timers' and parents who my DS has made friends with.

There will probably also be people you will definitely avoid - same as anywhere! It really depends what type of person you are and whether you particularly want another set of friends?

It is quite funny that loads of mumsnetters say that they have zero interest in making friends with other school parents . . . "why would I" etc. And then they go on to complain about the terribly unfriendly parents at the school gate! Perhaps all the horrid unfriendly parents at the school gate who refuse to return a cheery hello are in fact mumsnetters who are muttering "ffs, just because we had a shag at the same time doesn't mean we have to be best mates" under their breaths!

My daughter goes to a Primary school with the most awful bitchy mums. I've come to the conclusion that most have very low self esteem, haven't lost their baby weight because they have very young children and just see others as competition.
My youngest ds goes to a SEN school, and the mums there are lovely. We have a supportive dynamic, and things in common that are life changing and challenging, we don't judge and have no time for bitchyness

I must be really lucky as I have made lts of good friends through my kids school..both classes (DS in yr3, DD in yr1), have to say my DS's class is particularly friendly.

We have a summer party, Christmas drinks, BBQ's etc...I was out with one of them on Saturday getting nicely hammered in the pub

Other school parents are just normal people like me. I've made a few friends, there's a few I smile and nod to, a few I've never spoken to, a few I don't think I'd like...much like any other sphere of life tbh.

I work so don’t drop off but do pick up. Made no friends at all but have an ok relationship with my child’s friends mums so ok to manage play dates etc. We don’t socialise but are friendly enough to manage what we need to do. That’s enough for me and my dd is nine so a couple of years and all this ends anyway when she moves up to seniors.

I think how you view other people picking up or dropping off their DC depends more on your personality then on theirs. They are just people who all happen to be at the same sort of life stage as you at the same time. They all have primary school aged children. If you think them all to be awful it is probably just how you see people you don't know. If you have a friendly outlook you will probably just say hello or nod in the mornings and so will they and gradually they will be familiar and friendly faces. You don't have to become best friends but there is no reason why you can't make friends at the school you go to every day. You can make friends anywhere and it is more likely to happen with people you see regularly and often.

..I also know that I could message any number of people who would help me out if I was running late etc, and I have picked up/dropped off other people's children too.

I like the supportive aspect of my kids school friends mums.

When does an established friendship group become a clique, I wonder? Or at least perceived as a clique?
My kids are in different years, so when my youngest started, I already had an established group of parent friends. This meant I didn't make as much effort with the ones in my youngest's class. I have never been rude or unfriendly, though, I go along to social events that I'm invited to, and have developed friendships with individual mums that I have shared interests with. I'm definitely not a core member of the year 1 mum group, though! But that's fine.

What mojomoon said in the 3rd reply, and then has been reiterated by others.
The playground has never formed the basis of my social life or friendship group, but you've got a lot of years of drop offs and pick ups and birthday parties and collecting one child early or late when one is ill or other is at an afterschool club, or the boiler breaks or it snows or your car breaks or there is a train strike or 1001 other little things that make life complicated. It makes sense to be pleasant, and get to know other parents and be willing to help each other out a bit when you can.

school it’s really not as straightforward or welcoming as just try!
Unfortunately there’s a lot of agenda(hidden & apparent) and being cheery just doesn’t cut it
There’s numerous threads about the events,pta,personalities that folk encounter
Clearly,it’s not enough to be cordial. Other dynamics are at play

@LipstickHandbagCoffee but that won't be the same everywhere. Just like not all workplaces are the same etc.
Our PTA, for example, is crying out for volunteers. We are all lovely, normal and welcoming. But we can't get more than a handful of parents involved. I then read about what people think about PTA's on here and it all makes sense. Quite sad really.

I find I feel comfortable at parties and pick up (don't do drop off) I also chat at the park. DC is in reception though so still getting to know. All the mums have become friendlier over the course of the year. Fingers crossed it stays that way

I'm at nearly every pick up and drop off as I'm a SAHM. I just talk to whomever is nearby. There are about 5 mums that I speak to more because kids have activities in common or they are also at the school run a lot. I also speak to some of the dads!
I did find some of the mums with older kids were less keen to mingle but that's fine. We have a WhatsApp group for everyone and have arranged nights out from it, only a core of about 6 will actually come, but everyone would be welcome.

shitpark haven't lost their baby weight??

2 different school years in same primary, I get on well with a few in one and say hello to most, not really the same in the other but I think I made more effort when ds1 was in reception. One family we holiday with. I've met another group of mums and we meet as families very regularly. They aren't in either of the DS years! Just got chatting!

If you don't want to, don't. I doubt anyone cares much past week 2! What you think are daggers are tired morning faces or tired from work faces! Or RBF if it's me!

You will get a real mix of responses because life is like that. I have made no friends at the school gate. However, I already have close friends and because I work I just drop and run/pick up and run. I don't arrive 20mins before the bell or stay after it because I just don't have time. However my sister has made loads of mum friends. Flexible working means she has time to stop and chat and is generally less rushed. She also has met lots of mum friends through other mum friends. Suits her down to the ground.

Ultimately, it's an odd group because the only thing you initially have in common is a child of the same age. Friendships need to be worked at.

Think about what is important to you. Do you need/want friends? Yes? Make sure you make an effort with all different kinds of people then. No? Who cares then!

No it’s not the same,Southern
At work people don’t demand to know reading ages,or demand you spend time manning a stall or baking a cake,or give Money
Work is an adult pursuit, it’s boundaried
School is adults imposing their agenda on a child’s experience

If you can’t get PTA volunteers then yes the PTA are the problem. If you were all so nice and accommodating people would help

When DD (now 21) was at primary, I made loads of friends, we were new to the area so I made a big effort to get to know people. Many of those remain friends to this day. Years later, I had DS who is now 8, I am nearly 50. I find myself in a different school with people who really just nod and smile. I have made some friends, one particular very close one, but I feel a bit of an outsider. Some of the grandparents are younger than me! Some just do not engage at all, not in the same way I remember the first time round. It doesn't bother me at all, I am past all that and just want to drop off and pick up. You'll soon work out who the cliques and you'll probably make some friends who will last a long time. Ignore the dicks, you can usually weed them out quite quickly.

@holdingonbyathread I'm sorry that's your experience. My DS is also autistic and I have spent years having to apologise to parents for biting/spitting/throwing things incidents over the earlier years. I have spent hours in tears, have made him write notes of apology that he doesn't understand, all the usual....... In more recent years there have been a couple of more physical incidents and I know that parents have spoken to the head about making sure their children are kept safe - but no-one has blamed me or my son. The children go in and out of friendships and although DS tends not to have close friends, some still come on playdates and even occasionally invite him back.

BUT - I am so lucky that almost all the parents have been understanding and kind, and it has never affected our relationships as adults. Only in one case where another child (from a very difficult family set up and with additional needs also) was clever enough to tell lies and twist things so the parents thought my DS had done worse things than he had; did we have any slight awkwardness, but that was a while ago. My DD is NT and has lots of nice friendships, plus she can help when DS does have friends back (as he usually retreats into a quiet place after an hour or so).

The more I hear the more I realise how lucky I have been - but I do think the school gate experience can be positive (maybe depending on the school and the parents....) so would hate for people to go into it with preconceived fears. Good luck OP - keep an open mind and be friendly, hopefully it will all be good.

(P.S. we never had a Whatsapp group or a class teacher;s Christmas present contribution, those could be key....)

When my first child started Reception I secretly hoped it was going to be the resurrection of my social life And for a while it was. I started going out for occasional drinks with some mums from the same preschool, but one day I just realised that my presence was not important to the group. I just thought “Shit, I bet no one actually cares whether I can make these drinks or not”. Shortly afterwards, one of them threw a 40th birthday party and I was the only one who didn’t get an invite.

As for the actual Reception class mums - cliquey as fuck initially cordial but within two terms the popular crew were outright frosty to anyone not in their “tribe”. Now I just sit back and watch people jostle for the affections of the queen bees