To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

yipee I think those 3 type of ppl sound like Iv been all those types at different times/ stages of the school run

OK I think a clique is when another parent tries to join a general group chat whilst waiting at the gates and is ignored, or when the other parents in the clique are never the first to say hello when passing, or strike up a conversation if you're stood close.

It's basically when those people can't be bothered to even pass the time of day whilst waiting or make the first move if it's not "their group". It's not responding to a non-clique parent query on the general larger group even when they know the information but if it's a main member/"celebrity" parent who is asking, people are falling over themselves to answer. It's not just who you are friendly with, it's freezing out/can't be bothered towards any other parent who isn't in that circle (otherwise known as useful or influential).

Moo,be cordial,be yourself. And just see how it pans out
But don’t confuse your adult issues with schoolparents with your child social interaction
Your role is support,advocate for your kid

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I shouldn't bite I know but seriously!!! What do you think we do? How do you think we speak to parents? There are 800 kids at the school. We send out letters explaining what we do and asking if more people would like to help. We welcome people with open arms when they come to meetings. I honestly don't know what we could do that could offend people?
You obviously have a set idea of what a PTA member is like, I have no idea why.

*(a request on general larger group as in a class social media group, I mean).

reindeer I think you have explained clique perfectly , this happened to me.

Was friendly with a school mum , then she got into the "in" crowd with the queen bee popular mum. Then she would start ignoring me, even when once standing right next to me whilst in playground. I turned my head towards her to say hello and she looked away each time and avoid eye contact, but as she walked out the school she saw the queen bee mum standing by and she made sure she stopped and had a chat , whilst completely ignoring me earlier as we stood next to each other

Southern,i refer you to my previous post.im not getting drawn by your ire
So no I won’t give you further suggestions or tips on managing your PTA
It speaks volumes that other parents do not want to participate in yiur PTA

I am simply telling you my experience of the PTA, you can chose to dispute this or not

lipstick for someone who doesn't get involved in school gate politics, you have very strong opinions on it and seem overly invested in a thread that should be irrelevant to you. Don't be nasty for the sake of it.

It’s taken quite a while, but my eldest is now in year 2 and I have a group of mum friends and we go out regularly. I’m quite shy so it’s taken ages for me to feel confident to chat and make friends but feel great that I have.

You see usually,having had direct experience of PTA i directly recall my experience, and feelings there of
That is how threads work,we share our direct experience and others post their experiences
Inevitably there are different experiences,
You're exhibiting bad form and/or being overly sensitised by seeking to dismiss my opinion as nasty. Because it is intolerable to you.

Are yiu going to have a go at other posters,call them nasty
theyve mentioned
Queen bees
Alpha mums
Cliques
Secret WhatsApp groups...
Are they nasty too?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I think I feel more sorry for you than I do about my PTA situation. I'm guessing on here some peoples idea of a clique is just a group of people who happen to get on well, or those with a common goal, such as the PTA. There's no point trying then, is there? Enjoy your bitter suspicious school mum experience. I'm sure it's serving you well.

I ate four kids, all but one is school age. I have never made a meaningful lasting friendship at the school gate or via the kids. It’s polite chit chat, some meeting up but I now don’t expect any friendships to last. I also wouldn’t be telling any other mums my inner most thoughts. I have friendships survive 10+ years to do that with. Plus some mums have turned out to be not what I thought, so I’m more careful now. I would want to see if we stayed friends after the kids go their separate ways ( it’s never happened)

Ate? Have! I must proof read

Three kids, three totally different sets of parent dynamics. I have made good friends and dozens of acquaintances, partly because I've made a massive effort over the years. I don't see cliques tbh, I see groups of friends. Some are more open than others, but writing off the entire 'school gate' as some homogeneous catty entity that only a boring fool would engage with makes a lack of friends a bit of a foregone conclusion!

I agree with Yippee, Possibly and Bummy there

@LipstickHandbagCoffee, Thanks for the good advice.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee your post has implied that my own behaviour is some how unacceptable because you've had a bad experience of PTA members in the past. So yes, it's you and your comments I'll challenge. As you'll see though I've also challenged the idea of what constitutes a clique.

But you're directing your ire at one person in a really nasty way. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way though. Nobody else has said "look in the mirror " to anyone. They've all been quite general. You're quick to call out nasty playground behaviour then you've done the same here. And I've called you out.
Take your ire elsewhere.

Southern, re-read your own post to me.you called me Bitter , suspicious
The unnecessary tone,how quickly you escalated into unpleasantness
I haven’t called you names,haven’t said I’d bite. You’re v sensitised
Maybe your online demnour matches your RL demeanour, and that’s why your pta has very few volunteers

@Usuallyinthemiddle is that directed at me or Lipstick? I think it got personal when she said something about my supposed bonhomie and how me and my fellow PTA members needed to do some self reflection on how we talked to parents

southern no. Not you. I thought she was being incredibly unkind to you. Since playground politics are abhorrent and all. Oh, the hypocrisy, eh?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee see my post before to see who made it personal. Your unpleasant assumptions about me came from nowhere except that I happen to be in the PTA.

Look, OP. Parents are just people. Take 25 random people who had a baby around the same time you did, and stick them in a school yard. That’s who you’re looking at. Your chances of finding good friends, peasant acquaintances, total wankers etc are the same as with any other 25 random people. Some people really invest in school gate friendships, others, like me, work hours that mean they hardly ever do pick-up or drop-offs. My child is fine, and not a hermit.

Usually.no
I have recalled my interactions with an specific group,unidentifiable pta group
Like everyone else it’s a recollection and comment on what I have experienced
And it’s a common theme,read the thread. There are commonalities in the description , why? Because it’s a well observed social phenomenon
Sschoolgate and pta, Guardian ran a blog about it, people post it,it’s in movies and popular culture.its a thing

I've made some fantastic friends. Unfortunately we bonded over a little bully giving our kids hell.

As we're all SAHMs or Farmers we can stand around have a good natter after dropping the kids off or head out for a coffee because we don't have to run off to work.

I think it depends on lots of different things. Who you meet, when you meet them, time to chat and all the other things needed to make friends. Some people gel, others don't.