To ask about Primary School mums. Friends or frenemies?

[MessyMummy15]

Ok so my son is due to start primary school in September. He will be in reception and we live in London.

1 mum friend. Let's call her Milly. Says that meeting all the other parents who have kids in your kids class is great. You all form a bond and can talk to each other and basically she's made friends for life and everyone is super close. Even go on camping holidays together.

Other mum friend, let's call her Rosie, says that she can't stand drop off and pick up because she feels that no one talks to her and she gets dirty looks for no reason. And it's awkward.

Both of their kids go to schools in same area but different schools.

What am I to expect?
How have you all gotten along with other school mums? Is it cliquey? Or everyone just put there heads down and gets on with it?
What was the hardest thing about other school Mums?

I'm fairly relaxed about it as I already had lots of friends. But always happy to make more!

I've made a few close friends and there's one family we see as a family and a whole lot of people I enjoy seeing daily for a chat.. I've never been on holiday with any of them!

I think that's about average really.

My ds is in year one and I’ve made some really solid, proper friendships. These women are in my house week in week out, support with whatever’s going on and they’re honestly the best friends I could ask for. We have all agreed that we expected school to be a crap experience, one who has older kids says she didn’t expect to make friends and didn’t want to but I’ve kinda forced myself to be her friend whether she likes it or not 😂😂 and she loves it. Honest, she does 😂😂

I had a lot of anxiety from reading on here and other friends experiences, and there are some mums that seem very introverted- but that’s ok. Because my little crowd will talk to anyone and include everyone which is really lovely, so overall the gate experience is a mad gossip (but never bitchy) filled 15mins then back to mine for a cuppa, anyone’s invited.

I hope you’re near to us and meet us in September op, you’ll know us a mile off from the laughing and mickey taking of one another! Come say hi!

Mixture of both.

My friends from DC1 school time are still my close friends, we do have a bond and a proper friendship.

DC2 school time the mums are not nice and I avoid. It's cliquey. The other day there was an exclusive group standing together in the yard, I always shout 'Hi!' in my most friendly voice, but I'm just ignored.

Fuck em, I really don't care....

The only concrete thing you have in common is that you all had a shag within the same fairly wide timeframe some years previously. That's it. Beyond that, it's the luck of the draw whether you click or not. You may, or you may not!

Keep an open mind but keep your powder dry - that's my plan, anyway.

Smile politely, encourage your child to make friends. I think it's rare for real friendship to come from school mums., but you might just as a pp said, anywhere you associate with people there is possible friendship but I wouldn't expect it. My DD had one really good friend through primary , they are now 15 and still friends. I am friendly with mum but only as far as a cuppa if they do sleepovers etc.

Having said that, I know someone who goes camping every year with her whole NCT group from 8 years ago!!!!

I worked p/t so only saw the playground once a week or later when I changed to a later start had to run from drop off to the train. Not a lot of time to make friends or chat for ages.

But, it was enough to be friendly enough to be able to call for help. Be it a pick up when DH and I were down with the flu, copies of lost letters, sharing lifts to parties and helping out with dress up disasters. These kind of contacts are invaluable.

DD is now at secondary and I hardly see any of the mums. I am friendly on fb or when meeting in town but DD lost contact with most of her classmates as they go to either a different secondary or are in a different class and don't interact.

Love my school mum friends, they're a great bunch. We socialise regularly together, and everyone is hugely supportive - always willing to help out when needed.

I suspect I've got very lucky though!

Thank goodness for working full time as you can avoid school gate politics. DH did the drop off at breakfast club and I collected from after school club.

I've made 3 or 4 REALLY good friends. I didn't expect to. They're the parents of the DCs friends, and while we all come from very different backgrounds, and all have very different jobs, we share a similar outlook on life, parenting, education etc. I think what unites us is that we all love each other's children, because they love our children, and one generally feels well disposed to anyone who likes one's children. Holidays? Not yet. Evenings out, including theatre, karaoke, dinner and dancing - and weekends and outings to NT properties - yes. We meet with kids, without kids, and we're not a clique - sometimes we'll do things in pairs, sometimes all of us and others, etc. It's really easy happy non-stressful friendship, and I'm really grateful for it. I think it's rare to make really good new friends at this stage in life. Eldest child is now in Year 4, so it's developed gradually and organically over 5 years or so.

Also,as a working parent I find the school gate cabal tiresome
They’ll habitually comment that I’m not at play,sport day etc.as if it’s cold abandonment
When I ask why their dp isn’t at the play,sport day it’s because he’s busy at work...same as me then I reply

I find it odd when I read mumsnet posts that are so vehemently against making friends with other school mums. We meet people in all different areas of our lives. I'm not sure why this is different. Unless you've basically shut up shop re making new friends as an adult, then this is a good an opportunity as meeting people through work, hobbies, your partner etc.
OP I've had a fairly positive experience. There are no "cliques" as far as I'm aware. There are people who make it clear they're not up for making new friendships (see above!) but certainly no one has been rude. I'm a shy and socially awkward person, so I haven't been as forward as I could have been in pursuing friendships, but I have made some very good friends whom I socialise with regularly outside of kid related activities, and have had holidays/ weekends away etc.
Just from a practical point of view, having school parent friendships is exceptionally helpful when you're in s bind for emergent pickups, holiday childcare (I give as much as I take before I get called a CF ).

Apparently these days there are school run WhatsApp groups!! That's a whole world of horror...to me anyway!

it's like all groups you intersect with, some knowledge sharing is useful (class WhatsApp etc) but you should be cautious about what you share as you would with other groups.

I found it has eerily echoed school for DH & I as we've reverted to school attitudes, that we won't fit in, that we're not people that people want to know, i.e. cool in some way. I've found it a much harder dynamic than work as it is more personal, I'm not 'work me' when I'm dealing with my kids and my kids have struggled socially which has brought back a lot of difficulties long buried.

Long story short op, how good are you at assimilating into new groups? That'll be your clue.

Luck of the draw I guess. My own experience has been great. A really lovely bunch of people who have become good friends. They’ve helped out when things have been tough and we’ve had a lot of laughs together. I reckon we’ll be friends for a long time.

Agree re luck of the draw. DS1 experience was great, he's 19 now and those parents are my best friends. DS2 ok, same school but still hung out with DC1 mum friends. DC3 different school due to catchment area issue, parents are bloody awful. I think a lot of them bonded when taking them to a different nursery so I just keep myself to myself. Tried helping at PTA and the agro amongst some of them was ridiculous ! So looking forward to the start of high school in sept for my youngest.

Our DC are grown up but I had experience of 3 primaries.
All friendly enough I suppose but TBH I was working FT and was not looking for any more friends (already had trouble finding time for existing friends).
I dont see any of them now.
If you are looking to expand your social network then it's a good place to start I guess.
I personally wish I'd invested less time on going to parties (non of which my DC can remember) and more time doing what we loved at the weekends.

If you want to make friends you will. And if your like me a little smile and nod occasionally and stand at the back is enough for me. I have a friend who is crazy at making friends in her kids years, each to their own but it's not for me.

Only ever got talking to one Mum at the first school they attended but as soon as we moved towns, she blocked me on social media and that was the end of it. I thought she was nice and that we got along, it was a bit upsetting at the time but hey ho.

Nobody talks to me at the new school and I do get the occasional dagger. I’m not sure why, never done a thing to offend. I just go about my business and leave them to theirs. Only pick up bang on pick up time and same with drop off.

I guess this is the sort of thing that happens with you find other parents who as you, are sending their first kid, same ages, to school for the first time.

Since everything is new for you, your kid, other parents and their first kid, you find a common ground from which to develop firm friendships. You are also likely to be of similar ages, which helps.

It doesn’t work the same the second time around unless you find other parents in the same circumstances as you (similar kid age, but probably divorced or new in the city)

It is all about affinity, I think.

Turn on up as the bell rings, i very much dislike the childish, nasty and rude behaviour of the school Mums. I tried hard to be polite and have friendly chit chat but some of the things people say are awful I don’t want to be apart of any of it!

Absolutely no way.
Earphones in, music on loud no eye contact, Ickes up and drop off with zero interaction.
BEst friends got life my arse. It’s just more unwanted stress.
Don’t do it.

These threads always have a mum who’ll insist there are no cliques,anywhere and it’s everyone else who’s being odd
Despite the numerous descriptions on multiple threads about schoolgate cliques.

Depends on the school, we have quite a small school (1 form entry) and the last birthday party I went to the entire group of mums sat together and had a chat and a tea, no cliques or separation, just adults getting on with one another and enjoying their company.

Oh - I've found it really nice, but from threads I've read on here over the years I wonder if I'm just lucky. Talking to a Dad the other day who has recently moved his son from another local school, he said the cliques there were awful! But we're all in the same area with no obvious different demographic. (My school is in a village but very close to the local small town and children go in both directions).

My DCs went to the pre-school in this village (I live nearer the town) so they made friends, but I didn't really know parents then as everyone's hours were all different. But I found at primary school that everyone was really friendly, and I have made one really quite good friend, and lots of more casual friends (we don't socialise but easily could if not having kids etc). We all chat in the local park after school and nobody has ever been snobby or cliquey. Once the children go to secondary we may never see each other again (except my one friend), but it's all been very nice and chatty.

A lot of us work part time so we're not all always there - and some parents are never there as their children come on the bus or do wrap around care; I suppose those parents might not feel they get any benefit although we do all chat at concerts etc. But I would say keep an open mind, enjoy and embrace it. Good luck!!