Annoyed! Apparently I 'look like a mum'

[champagneplanet]

Okay, so I may be a bit over sensitive here so talk me down if you think it's needed.

Met an old friends partner today, don't see them as regularly as we'd like, however her and I are good friends. Was in the supermarket, trying to fit in a shop with DC2 whilst DD1 doing her hobby.

Exchanged pleasantries and then he commented 'I almost didn't recognise you, you look like a mum'. Didn't say anything at the time, but now i'm less than impressed. It's my day off, I have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket, doing a big shop with two day old hair and a jacket I hate (as I misjudged the weather and it was the only one in the car).

I definitely wasn't a compliment. AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

"and take 30 mins of a morning to straighten it "

I would consider this too much time to spend on my hair every day and I don't have children.

So I have straighten my hair and put on some slap when I nip to Sainsbury’s just in case some bloke (who let’s face it, probably looks like a Dad) thinks I look like a Mum?

Nah.

He said something without thinking
Like we all do
Di what if you looked like a mum you are one
Let it go

@champageplanet

Yeah he meant you look frumpy and dishevelled, cheeky git. It was not a compliment!

It's like when people say 'you look different;' it's never a compliment.

He means you are not physically appealing to him. What a twat.

Let him see what he looks like after being in charge of house and home and 2 little kids, and all the domestics for several years. Cheeky arse! I am fuming on your behalf!

Thing is, when your kids are grown, you will be have a bit more time to yourself, and will look fabulous, sexy, and well presented (not that you're not like that now at all, just that you will be like that MORE! )

Him however, HE will be a portly balding fecker, with a hairy back,who gawps at beautiful women who wouldn't give him a second glance.

Also, to say not doing/washing your hair for 2 days is wrong is a joke! I wash mine every 3rd day. I do shower daily though, coz I'm a smelly fucker if I don't. I'm a bit chubby, going through menopause, and I've always been someone who gets hot easily...

I only have 5 min showers half the time though..just to get the sweat off. What a tramp I am aren't I? Can you tell I'm a mum!

For the record, there's nothing wrong with 'doing yourself up' every day/washing your hair/putting your slap on/spending half hour on your hair,' if you want to or have time. There is also nothing wrong with NOT doing it if you don't want.

However, re the comments by @SoCallMeMaybe 'if you are messy, you cannot complain when people CALL you that!' Why the hell do you think people have the right to comment on how someone looks? And I bet people (including the man who said what he did to the OP) wouldn't say the same comments to a man!

And of course there is nothing wrong with looking like a mum, but this (rude) A-hole meant it as an insult. That is very clear.

@GabrielleNelson
"f you can't see how sexist this is, there's no hope for you. You seem to think that it's important for women to dress and present in a way that attracts male approval, and it's a sign of lacking self-respect if they don't. Why can't they just dress for comfort and practicality, as most men do?"

Don't be so silly, I dress for me and couldn't respect myself if I suddenly wore jogging bottoms and didn't take care of myself any more, you are welcome to dress and groom as you wish but I'm not going to suddenly stop caring about my appearance because I've had a child.

Yeah the husband sounds like a dick. Basically when anyone comments unasked on your appearance it's rude.
But I think pp should stop frothing over SoCallMeMaybe's comments about doing her hair! She never said "everyone should wash their hair daily"! Talk about taking things literally.
The dickhead guy probably meant that he normally sees OP in going out mode, and not in a tunic and leggings (or whatever).
There is sort of a midle class mum uniform where I live. It's jeans, sort of trendy top from a shop like Cos, expensive anorak, greying bob. The girls off the estate wear whatever they always wore, and still go to the salon. It's not particularly sexist. There are Dad looks too.
Even when I was doing the newborn thing I had to get showered and do my hair, just to feel normal.
And some posters have been posting very prolifically on MN for years so don't give me that "I never had 5 minutes to clean the baby sick off myself let alone shower! "
Mummy martyrdom is so tedious.

He was rude and his comment suggests he is sexist: feel sorry for his partner.

2 day old hair is newly cleaned. I’m not a mum.

children are not an excuse to let yourself go

Wow it’s like misogynist comment bingo with you. Do you never step back and think about the language you’re using and the expectations it raises? Or do you just trot out the Heat magazine lines without engaging brain?

Anyway, my body definitely did change after 2 c sections, pregnancy and breastfeeding. I’m in good shape still, but it’s never going to ‘back’ because yes, bodies change.

Learning how to flatter that body with clothes takes time.

To the pp who has a child with ASD, is single and disabled, you do an awful lot of surfing on MN in the night time!

God this post is bringing out all the self - righteous knobs isn't it.

I wonder if what he meant was "oh I didn't recognise you out of context", said what came out if his mouth and then walked away kicking himself / not realising that what he said might have hurt your feelings. Sometimes people just say stupid things when they are caught off guard, and knowing this can be a useful tool in not letting everything that is said to us feel like a personal slight. The fault is his for not thinking through what he said, not yours for looking normal in charge of children.

f you can't see how sexist this is, there's no hope for you. You seem to think that it's important for women to dress and present in a way that attracts male approval, and it's a sign of lacking self-respect if they don't. Why can't they just dress for comfort and practicality, as most men do?"

I never dress JUST for comfort and practicality, even when I go for a run I wear clothes that I have chosen (usually an old tshirt to be fair), but my point is that I don't buy random crap from a charity, I actively chose my clothes.

Same for my Dh and most of the men I know. None of us would go out in a onesie because it's comfy. There's some self-respect involved.

Actually, the guys I work with are worst than women if you look that way. They are young, chose their suits and clothes VERY carefully, and their hairdressers

I have always thought that spending an hour doing hair and make up daily is a complete waste of time which could be better spent elsewhere, but you can still take some pride in your appearance. I still look good even without make-up

We'll have to agree to disagree, Buster. You see 'taking care of myself' and 'having self-respect' as synonymous with 'dressing in a particular way' and I don't. That's fine.

The problem is when people judge others by their own standards and think less of them for doing things differently, even when objectively this makes no sense.

Poor hygiene standards make someone unpleasant to be around, so out of consideration for others as well as common sense it's important to be clean.

Choosing not to wear make-up, to wear comfy shoes rather than heels, having short, easy-to-manage hair don't make anybody unpleasant to be around, but it's clear from this and similar threads that a good many other women would think less of a woman making those choices and would make the leap of logic that she is less professional in her work. Dispiriting.

LaurieMarlow
huh? I have had kids, I don't need to use them as an excuse.
It's hardly misogynist to recognise that some women are not more lucky than others, they just make more effort.

You don't need to be so rude because I touch a nerve with you.

Agreed Laurie - sixteen years in and my stomach is still numb... 3 sections and an eating disorder later... but sure; "I let myself go"

Fucking horrible phrase, way too one-dimensional too... like a person just decides one morning that they're going to stop liking themselves.

throw in an abusive, petulant misogynistic ex and well....... it became about survival, my kids being ok and not much else. Rightly or wrongly.
Still am free of the arse now, not on any medication, slimmer and fitter. Hes a mess but i would never say he's let himself go because he's obviously struggling with life now.

‘You look like a mum’ you are a mum, you had your child with you! I really don’t think it’s offensive! If he said ‘you look like a mum with your unwashed hair and jacket that you don’t like’ that would have been rude but he didn’t. He stated a fact!

I love the bickering on this thread.

@GabrielleNelson my standards are the same pre child and post child, I don't see why my standards should slip.
You speak as if I'm the man that commented to the Op in the super market.
I'm not judging anyone but personally for me I do what I did in regards to my looks the same now as I've ever done, if women choose to change after having kids they can crack on but that's not for me, I like taking care of my appearance, I've not judged anyone, I've not been sexist, wear what you want when you want, but don't expect me to change. Having kids and taking time out to do a bit of self care is possible.

Oh and yes I've put on weight, most women do through the years, I'm not commenting on weight, or c section shelves or anything else, all I'm saying is I've kept on doing what I've always did, regardless of my tummy, bigger boobs a dress size larger. I still wear make up, do my nails, buy clothes I deem fashionable.

You don't need to be so rude because I touch a nerve with you.

You haven’t touched a nerve at all. I’m very proud of my post child body

However language really matters and I feel very strongly about how it’s used to make women feel shit. Your posts in particular display an in reconstituted mindset that you don’t seem to question at all.

All I can assume is that you’ve never done anything to interrogate what Heat magazine (and in fairness all of Patriarchal discourse) has taught you.

By all means be proud of your body and the efforts you’ve gone to. what I’m asking you to consider is how you talk about it. It’s important.

Yep Buster-I'm older and fatter than I was but I can't see any reason to change the way I dress, except just a natural change in preference. It's not like you become a mum and you automatically have food in your hair and stop caring about clothes/fashion.
And my body was in the best shape ever with a pram-all that pushing up and down hills with the shopping in the bottom!
It's teen years that are making me shlumpy!
Really need to get my arse off the sofa before I get accused of looking like a Nan!

All I can assume is that you’ve never done anything to interrogate what Heat magazine (and in fairness all of Patriarchal discourse) has taught you.

and nicely goady again.

You are the one twisting my comments to fit your little agenda, I am very comfortable with the way I speak, but thank you.

I am very comfortable with the way I speak, but thank you.

Well you shouldn’t be. But I see you’re not going to take any of this on board unfortunately, so I’ll leave it here.

My life is chaotic. I wash my hair every night and take 30 mins of a morning to straighten it and do my make up while they watch Peppa Pig. It’s not exactly difficult.

I don't have children. I wash my hair every 5-7 days. It's thick, curly and very dry so doesn't need washing any more often than that. It looks pre-Raphaelite and is low maintenance anyway. And I very rarely wear makeup. These things may not be difficult but they're a waste of time for me so I don't bother with them.

OP I think his sense that it was fine for him to comment on your appearance was rude. The possible exception to that is if he was basically saying "I didn't recognise you out of context". If I see my horse owning friends dressed up for a night out I don't always recognise them straight off because they can look so different. If it's just that then I'd let him off.

LaurieMarlow
Indeed, I don't have to agree with you and do as you say. That's the beauty of being a grown-up.

I agree with Mothership. Unless you have lanky and greasy hair it doesn't need washing every day. I have very dry hair, and it would look like straw if I washed it every day. I wash mine every 3 - 4 days - so shoot me.