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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed! Apparently I 'look like a mum'

218 replies

champagneplanet · 19/05/2019 00:49

Okay, so I may be a bit over sensitive here so talk me down if you think it's needed.

Met an old friends partner today, don't see them as regularly as we'd like, however her and I are good friends. Was in the supermarket, trying to fit in a shop with DC2 whilst DD1 doing her hobby.

Exchanged pleasantries and then he commented 'I almost didn't recognise you, you look like a mum'. Didn't say anything at the time, but now i'm less than impressed. It's my day off, I have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket, doing a big shop with two day old hair and a jacket I hate (as I misjudged the weather and it was the only one in the car).

I definitely wasn't a compliment. AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

OP posts:
Greeborising · 19/05/2019 02:26

I’m sitting here with two day old hair, wearing THE most disgusting joggers and a tartan shirt (that I love) minimum makeup
I look like shit
It’s nearly 2.30 and I could not care less
You know why?
Cos my life is fabulous
I’m happy

PerspicaciaTick · 19/05/2019 02:27

You are a mum. You looked like a mum (woman with a child in tow). I'm not seeing the problem.

Alicewond · 19/05/2019 02:30

What’s wrong in looking like a mum if your are a mum?

m0therofdragons · 19/05/2019 02:35

I'm never sure how to react when people are surprised I'm a mum of three. Apparently I don't look like a mum of three. People are weird, and my hair looks at its best 2 days old - I was it every 3 days. It takes a day to calm down so then I have 2 days of nice hair before I was it and it's bonkers again. I always assume people who insist you have to shower fully each day are either fairly large or rather sweaty. My dry skin couldn't take it, but we're all different.

m0therofdragons · 19/05/2019 02:36

It seems I can't write "wash" and instead have "was". It is 2.30am though Grin

Namaste6 · 19/05/2019 02:43

OP: unless he is an out and out nasty person and deliberately went out of his way to say something that would hurt you, could it be possible that he was just commenting on the whole picture as he saw it, not meaning to be hurtful. Supermarket shop / kids running around / casual clothes etc. He possibly meant that in that scenario you looked like a mum (compliment because you are) he didn't say you looked 'mumsy' (not a compliment). Mums or not, we can all look like two different people whether we're polished and ready to go or whether we're in our comfies, hair back etc. Don't be so hard on yourself, give him the benefit of the doubt and move on.

Greeborising · 19/05/2019 02:44

Well there’s me looking like total shite
I’m going to bed now
I’m playing excellent show tunes on headphones very loud , I recommend it!
Tomorrow I promise I will shave my legs

BusterGonad · 19/05/2019 02:58

If someone said to me in the supermarket that they didn't recognize me, because I looked like a Mum now, well there's only one way I'd take that and that would be that I look like a boring dowdy woman. No one ever uses the words look and mum in the same sentence in a complimentary manner.
As for 2 day old hair, not a problem, mines thick and dry and wavy and looks shit after washing, it only looks good on about day 2.

Who ever said this "i couldn't possibly spend 30 minutes grooming myself everyday without feeling selfish" are you serous?

I've got to agree with points SoCallMeMaybe has made, when my son was a baby I still managed to go out in clean fashionable clothes, face made up, hair done. In fact I made it a priority as I totally and utterly refused to became what some would call mumsy.
It's hard after having a child and my way of dealing with it was to at least look like I did before having a baby. No one was going to accuse me of trying myself go. Grin

BlackPrism · 19/05/2019 03:00

@SoCallMeMaybe it's actually bad for your skin to shower everyday...so?

BusterGonad · 19/05/2019 03:01

LETTING myself go!

Alicewond · 19/05/2019 03:03

Again who cares if you look like a mum, you are a mum. So you don’t look perfect to go clubbing, you aren’t on the pull. Who cares what others think?

BusterGonad · 19/05/2019 03:19

Alicewond but some people do care about what they look like, generally being told you look like a mum isn't really a good thing, looking like a mum is never associated with looking pretty, attractive, fashionable, sexy etc
Some people don't want to be told when they are out and about and getting on with life that they look like a mum! Can you really not understand how it could be perceived as a negative thing? Especially in the context it was said! Really?

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/05/2019 03:49

Wow this thread has revealed some massive insecurities! I was almost feeling guilty for washing my hair every morning until I checked myself as it’s none of anyone’s business. We all make choices of how to present ourselves, as with all choices in life you have to learn to stand by them.

I don’t know why you’re annoyed with your friend’s remark, busy supermarket with unruly toddler = looking like a mum. Or, if you know he meant you look a bit dowdy and you’re not happy, do something about it.

Alicewond · 19/05/2019 03:52

@BusterGonad but if you are a mum why be unhappy at being told you look like one, you are choosing the negatives attached.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2019 04:41

Well if someone told you you looked like a pile of horse shit you could of course choose to meditate on how good horse shit is for roses.

Or you could make a mental note about that person being an arse and hope he would pick up bedbugs.

BusterGonad · 19/05/2019 04:47

@Alicewond well yes, you are choosing the negatives attached, if someone said I looked fat and I was fat then yes I'd choose the negatives attached as I know it's not good to look fat, same as if I was told by some no Mark that I looked like a mum I'd perceive it to mean I look dowdy as generally that's how I perceive mums to look (from the media, from mums I see about town, from mums in tv). If someone said I looked like an extra from TOWIE I'd presume I looked a bit rough and fake as that's how I'm lead to believe TOWIE extras look.

Decormad38 · 19/05/2019 04:56

He sounds like a prick. What does your friend look like out of interest? High heels, boobs out, full make up, fake tan? Let’s face it men have two categories. Sex chic or mum. Your a mum if you aren’t as above.

anothernotherone · 19/05/2019 05:11

I have never heard the expression "2 day old hair" before reading this thread, I envisioned baby fuzz on a near bald head or two days of stubble! Grin Pretty sure most people's hair is a couple of years old at the ends... BlushGrin

The man was a dick, though perhaps whatever he was trying to say "came out wrong" - perhaps he meant that you looked like a grown up.

There is a "mum look" and it involves straight/ ended bobbed hair and some make up IMO. I've never worn make up - pretty sure I didn't look more "like a mum" at 17 with bed-hair than a 30 year old with a straightened bob and make up and a toddler in the seat of their shopping trolley did! Not straightening your hair and not wearing make up are not the reasons anyone looks "like a mum" - being a responsible female adult with small children in your care makes you look like a mum, though of course doesn't prove you are one...

EmeraldRubyShark · 19/05/2019 05:14

No one ever uses the words look and mum in the same sentence in a complimentary manner.

I don’t actually agree with this! I’m early thirties and pregnant with my first child and close friends know that this is something I’ve wanted for a few years and been working hard to achieve. They know becoming a mum is important to me and all they’ve known me as before now is very decidedly not a mum, someone who is full throttle career focused and always rushing around the country to do very un-mumsy hobbies (that I know I’ll have to cut way back on for a while). If I bumped into one in a supermarket and they said I looked like a mum I’d take it as a compliment and them saying how much i’d changed to now look more grown up and responsible for someone else if that makes sense.

I really want to be a mum and can hardly believe it’ll be my turn soon, I wouldn’t take it as an insult if someone said I looked like one.

BusterGonad · 19/05/2019 05:24

Fair enough Emerald, I must be completely wrong.
Every women who is a mum would positively love to be told that they look like a mum.
Op YABU you need to embrace your mumness and never take offense to being described as looking like a mum ever again.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 19/05/2019 05:24

I'm sorry but mum or no mum - straightening your hair for half an hour every single day is very over the top.

Mothership4two · 19/05/2019 05:41

Not washing hair for a couple of days doesnt mean she looked like a tramp, was dirty &/or had no pride Grin.

Anyway, unless you have very greasy or unruly hair, there's no real need to wash it daily.

God bless dry shampoo Smile

But back to your point OP, yes he was rude

I do however look like a mum

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 19/05/2019 05:43

@SoCallMeMaybe Peppa pig and her kin are incredibly rude I'd rather have two day old hair. As it stands I have naturally curly hair and r washing it daily makes it frizzy and unmanageable.

OP could they not have been referring to the fact that you were trying to wrangle a toddler whilst hurriedly doing a grocery shop, as opposed to having a leisurely sip of a cocktail, dancing on a bat top or bumping into them at sa rave a 2am? A comment on the circumstances rather than your appearance?

EmeraldRubyShark · 19/05/2019 05:45

Wow, defensive much BusterGonad? Grin just sharing my opinion like everyone else! No need to get your knickers in a twist.

NigellasGuest · 19/05/2019 05:53

Oh God, my hair looks its best at 2 or 3 days old. If I'm going out I purposely wash it a few days in advance. Everyone is different!
OP I feel for you, that bloke is a twat. Of course if you have children with you you look like an mum, is he an idiot?

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