Annoyed! Apparently I 'look like a mum'

[champagneplanet]

Okay, so I may be a bit over sensitive here so talk me down if you think it's needed.

Met an old friends partner today, don't see them as regularly as we'd like, however her and I are good friends. Was in the supermarket, trying to fit in a shop with DC2 whilst DD1 doing her hobby.

Exchanged pleasantries and then he commented 'I almost didn't recognise you, you look like a mum'. Didn't say anything at the time, but now i'm less than impressed. It's my day off, I have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket, doing a big shop with two day old hair and a jacket I hate (as I misjudged the weather and it was the only one in the car).

I definitely wasn't a compliment. AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

Emerald I'm not getting my knickers in a twist (well maybe a little bit 😂) but honestly, what female who takes pride in her appearance wants to be told they look like a mum? (Except of course those that struggle to conceive etc) it's not really something most people strive to be described as, the I'm a mum so that makes me look like a mum brigade are just being deliberately annoying imo. I look like a mum now because I'm 40 and most women who are middle aged tend to look a certain way as muscle tone changes and the body becomes softer etc, but at 29 I would never ever have wanted to be told I look like a mum. No way.

@SoCallMeMaybe 😂😂😂
I'm a mum of three work full time away from the house around 11 hours a day and no I certainly don't wash my hair daily

Honestly some people 🤦‍♀️

would he normally see you during the day with the kids or say on your own dressed up for a night out? it was still rude but I guess if he generally only sees you a certain way e.g. night out then today saw you juggling kids ECT you probably did look different Is he usually a nice person ? if so hopefully it was just a foot in mouth moment but try not to worry we can't all look amazing 24/7 and you were just going about your dad being a busy mum in the supermarket

its rude. Id have been upset too. But thats sad really.. Being a mum is a good thing and we should be thrilled to look like one. But some how to me it means you look frumpy and possibly a bit stressed.

@SoCallMeMaybe washing your hair daily strips the natural oils out of it and straightening and blow drying on top of that will leave you with dead hair. So perhaps one day be grateful your too busy to get these things done as it might give your hair a much needed break.

As for the OP maybe it was just that he seen you looking slightly harassed/busy with the kids that he has said that. Not in particular that you look a certain way and you might have just made that assumption because you pulled on that old jacket and didn't feel at your best. You had makeup on and your hair in a neat bun so you are winning in my opinion. (I can say this as someone who hasn't washed their hair in about five days but I have extremely thick wavy hair so you can't tell)
The need for some people on mums net to bring other women down is beyond me. It's fab that some people have the time to work on their appearance and that might be of great value to some people however some of us much prefer the lie in or value taking time with talking over breakfast as for a few mums working long hours, this might be precious time spent with their children.
Looking mumsy isn't a thing mums come in all shapes and sizes and in all appearances. However when your boobs are leaking through your breast pads and your struggling to walk after a section I'd imagine that then I kind of looked mumsy!

Washing your hair doesn’t actually strip anything. That’s a myth debunked by trichologists. It’s your scalp and skin that make the oils and some hair types absorb more of the oil and some absorb less (curly hair for example doesn’t generally need washing as much). Trichologists recommend washing your hair as much as you need to. No point having greasy smelly hair (yes you can smell it) just so you don’t strip imaginary oils. My hair is very porous and on its second day it smells of everything and is greasy. How I look and feel (and smell!) trumps the rights of my natural oils!!

I'm rocking 2 day old hair today. It's also got a good helping of talc (I know, I know) in there to hide the grease (ran out of dry shampoo). Flour also works if you're ever on a budget / in an emergency situation.
I deffo look like a mum at the weekends, but that's usually because I have small toddler cups clipped onto my jeans pockets and a toddler dangling off my hand...

If someone said that to me I would take it as meaning "frumpy/mumsy" and I'd be offended.

When my youngest was about 2 my husband came to rhyme time with us one week. As soon as we got there he said "I didn't know there was a mum uniform". I looked around and realises almost everyone was dressed the same: jeans, converse, breton striped top and the ubiquitous olive green parka, plus messy bun. Me too. Maybe he meant something like that.

I wasn't that bothered but I did consciously make the effort to dress a bit more stylishly after that. The jacket is still refereed to as my "mum coat' though.

honestly, what female who takes pride in her appearance wants to be told they look like a mum?

If you can't see how sexist this is, there's no hope for you. You seem to think that it's important for women to dress and present in a way that attracts male approval, and it's a sign of lacking self-respect if they don't. Why can't they just dress for comfort and practicality, as most men do?

You also seem to think that a woman who has taken on a caring role should do her best to hide the evidence as she won't be taken seriously otherwise. This is dreadful. Without carers, the vast majority of whom are female, society would grind to a halt.

If these views are widespread amongst people making decisions about recruitment and promotion at work it would go a long way to explaining the gender pay gap.

How to look like generic "mum" if you don't have a child with you:

Short bobbed hair which you overwork and straighten

Wear make up - slightly shiny, definitely mascara and lipstick

Tuck your top in, ideally a blouse not a t shirt...

That's the uniform, not a fresh unmade-up face, wild bed-hair and your boyfriend's t shirt, because generally "mums" are trying to look as though they have had enough sleep when they haven't and are trying to look "put together" as a way of hanging on to a sense of being in control. It does scream "mum" in a way being more natural doesn't though!

I think the guy didn't recognise the OP toddler wrangling because he usually sees her child free on a night out, so doesn't have her pigeon holed as "a mum" though. Nothing to do with her hair.

Congratulations EmeraldRubyShark! Being a mum is the best. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old, I’m mid 30s and we tried for 3 years. It’s the best thing in the world, career, hobbies, everything else doesn’t come close IMO.

EmeraldRubyShark was meant to be in bold.

I would have looked down at my toddler, looked back at him and gently nodded to agree with him!! What a dim bulb he sounds!

Hasn't anyone picked up that the judgemental one sits her children in front of Pepper Pig for 30 minutes while she does her hair and make up ? How very slummy mummy is that !
But at least she works a whole 3.5 days per week
It s not difficult to have a shower without getting your hair wet

What is ‘looking like a mum’ anyway. My bestie looks like a mum but she isn’t! Is it just looking a bit harassed and middle aged? Some mums I know are v glam. Really is a crap description.
Oh and fwiw I prob wash hair every 5 days. Used to be more but it’s drier now so don’t need to.

A mum may not always have the time to wash her hair or have her nails done.
A mum is the one who takes the smallest piece of pizza
A mum is the one who, when a sausage hits the floor, says “oh shit, I dropped my sausage”
Be proud of being a mum

Careful there, Greebor, I think you're getting 'mum' mixed up with 'martyr'.

He sounds like he was saying he didn't recognise you out of context, ie in toddler wrangling mode. He wasn't being rude, just caught off guard. Unless you go out every day in full make up and heels, you probably do look like a mum. One of the hot ones obviously. 😁

2 day old hair? I only wash mine twice a week. It doesn’t look greasy and doesn’t smell, it’s healthier because of it if anything.

Don’t even worry about it, I’m not sure what a Mum looks like either. I’ve seen plenty of Mothers and they all look very different. If I’m being completely honest, I worry about the priorities of ultra glam Mum’s at the school gate.

I wash my hair every night and take 30 mins of a morning to straighten it and do my make up

hahaha

I never ever bothered to do that even pre-kid! Complete waste of time, and I much prefer exercising. I look better with abs and toned arms than with make-up, so each to their own

Anyway, looking like "a mum" is more about what your general appearance and what you wear. Take a slim and toned woman in exercise gear, no make-up, sweaty hair scrapped in a tight bun, she won't look like " a mum".

I agree the whole thing is stupid, mums come into different shapes, forms and style, but we are talking about the mumsey look

@SoCallMeMaybe we can't all be perfect. In fact, some would say that sitting your child in front of Peppa Pig while you faff with your hair is not exactly perfect parenting. You may be wonderful to look at, but a little kindness would make you a lot more attractive.

i agree with some posters that he was making an observation out of context and it came out clumsily.

Especially if he knows you and has spent time in your company without kids..

i can understand how it could be seen differently though, but i'd err on the side of clumsy comment.

Hmm I’m just reading this all as a coded way of saying the OP failed in making herself attractive to rude supermarket man.

So fucking what.

I don’t understand why you think it was rude. I would think it was nice if someone said I looked ‘like a mum’. I think you’re overthinking it tbh.

Op, how do you present to him normally? Are you made up for going out, dressed a certain smart or more glamourous way and that's the way he's always seen you? He could simply have been commenting on the difference, if you're always a bit glammed up when he sees you.

It's thoughtless yes, but if he's otherwise a decent guy, possibly it was just a foot in mouth moment, which let's be honest, every single person has.

Who washes their hair everyday?!

I could spend 2 hours getting read, I would still look like a mum if I had my child at a supermarket. He is an arse. You are not a doll for his approval. Ignore, or employ the useful “excuse me?” with a reproving smile and frown. Rude man.