Annoyed! Apparently I 'look like a mum'

[champagneplanet]

Okay, so I may be a bit over sensitive here so talk me down if you think it's needed.

Met an old friends partner today, don't see them as regularly as we'd like, however her and I are good friends. Was in the supermarket, trying to fit in a shop with DC2 whilst DD1 doing her hobby.

Exchanged pleasantries and then he commented 'I almost didn't recognise you, you look like a mum'. Didn't say anything at the time, but now i'm less than impressed. It's my day off, I have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket, doing a big shop with two day old hair and a jacket I hate (as I misjudged the weather and it was the only one in the car).

I definitely wasn't a compliment. AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

Is this you Op?

It's easy to wash your hair every day and do full makeup.... If you don't mind sticking your kids in front of shit telly every morning. I'd rather look like a mum thanks. Anyway, I only wash my hair twice a week which is much better for your hair than every day.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.allure.com/story/mom-bob-haircut&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwiq5fWylqfiAhVr1qYKHcd7B10QwW4wAHoECAoQAw&usg=AOvVaw1GaNRFj8uhVJgwUQW91VRC" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this is the OP

*disclaimer, no it isn't

Whether he was intentionally being a dick or not, you just need to let it be water off a ducks back OP, there's nothing you can do with things like this once the moment has passed. I should know, I always come up with the perfect comeback several weeks after anything awkward has happened.

I have never bothered with doing my hair or makeup, I look the same as I did before I was a mum - I would be pretty annoyed at someone insinuating I looked mumsy. I just look like someone who can't be arsed with makeup and the associated crap, I take care of my skin so look good without it.

What’s wrong with looking like a mum?

You are a Mum.

I’m so fucking tired of this narrative that looking after children, the house, probably working on top of that isn’t good enough for the menz and you have to be a fashion plate on top of that.

They can shove it up their arse.

Fuck all the mums should still make an effort shit, like that’s going to help the op, besides she didn’t ask if she should be making an effort.
Your friend was rude, and ignorant to not keep her/his opinion to themself.

@SoCallMeMaybe 7.5 hours a week in front of Peppa Pig so that you can beautify yourself, yes I would say that's shit parenting actually.

I just read it as he’s used to seeing you in a different context (socialising, work clothes, etc) and didn’t realise it was you at first in a different setting. As for grooming, whatever makes us happy. This started off as a feeling of being judged by a man and has descended into bitching and sniping. We are all in the same boat, why do these threads end up like the hunger games?

That was rude. Is he the sort to forget to engage brain before speaking?

What’s wrong with looking like a mum?

You are a Mum.

I think people mean "looking mumsy". In itself, being a mum means nothing about your appearance. Kim Kardashian, Kate Middleton, Serena WIlliams, Donna Strickland are all mums.

I think everyone could be reading too much into this comment. The OP was in a supermarket with a toddler. Therefore, whatever she was wearing, and however immaculate her hair, she looked like a mum.

'I don't see that 'looking like a mum' should be taken as a criticism.

I didn’t even spend half an hour a day on grooming pre-kids!

At 55, it’s just dawning on me I might be a slob 😂

I think people mean looking Mumsy

And can we stop to interrogate this language please?

So we use variants of ‘mum’ in a judgemental way to describe people those who aren’t maintaining high levels of presentation and keeping up with fashion.

You become a mum and guess what? You've less time than the average 20 year old for personal upkeep, scanning fashion mags and buying clothes.

Can we refrain please from making mums feel shit about that?

This reminds me of the time I bumped into an ex a couple of years after we split up. He said 'Christ you've put on weight you look now like I imagined you'd look after you'd popped out 3 kids (I have none btw)'. Some men are just natural charmers!

I am just thinking what destruction could occur if I had ever spent 30 minutes on anything.

My children never just sat and watched tv

You become a mum and guess what? You've less time than the average 20 year old for personal upkeep, scanning fashion mags and buying clothes.

it's not just that, it's the choice for "comfy and ill fitted clothes in a flabby body". Nothing to do with children!
I agree, it's more about looking like an unkept middled-age person, not a mum as such. As I said, looking like a mum means absolutely nothing.

I gave up caring what other people thought of how I looked a long while ago. When my DC were little, I worked full time and had a nanny, washed my hair daily (had a wash and quick blow style) and alwys wore minimal make up,. On my work days I put on my work uniform (smart clothes and shoes without baby drool, snot etc if I was lucky) and on my days off my mum uniform of jeans, comfy shoes and a practical handbag. Yes if I popped into the supermarket during lunch you may not have thought mum, although the bags under my eyes and the contents of the basket might have been a giveaway. If it was my day off and I was in the supermarket with DC, you would have immediately have known I was a mum as I would be having 'discussions' as to what was appropriate to put in the trolley and generally looking harassed.
I don't give a damm I am proud to be a mum!
My DC are young adults now and I STILL look like a mum if I go to the supermarket with them. In fact I have modified my style over the years and you would be hard pressed to tell my home wardrobe from my work wardrobe unless I am presenting at a large meeting.
Casual, relaxed with a little bit of harrassed is my style statement. Oh and now they are older and I have all the time in the mornings, I only wash my hair every other day!

Im a mum. I watch Peppa Pig on my own, because it winds up my 16 year old. I believe winding up one's teenage children is really what being a mum is all about.

Same DD once said to me "you're not going out dressed like THAT, are you? That dress is far too short!". We are not actually Saffy and Eddie Monsoon, even though we might come across that way!

it's not just that, it's the choice for "comfy and ill fitted clothes in a flabby body". Nothing to do with children!

Well bodies do change after having children, or hadn’t you noticed?

So if it’s not about looking like a mum, why wouldn’t you question that language a bit more?

Shrek, 30 minutes a day getting ready for work doesn't add up to 7.5 hours a week.
To the pp who has a child with ASD, is single and disabled, you do an awful lot of surfing on MN in the night time! There are many other parents in your position who don't see it as being a martyr reform just crack on.
To the Pp who thinks men only see women in 2 ways, how sexist of you!
Op, I think you've taken the comment he made too personally. He said you look 'like a mum' (however they are supposed to look) and you admitted to being disheveled. Yes, I know no one should judge any one else's appearance, but by virtue of the fact that his comment offended you you are also judging any other woman you may see that looks like you did that day.

I don't have kids and I regularly have two day old hair? That's normal. It's not good to wash it every day.

However I do agree that everyone should shower every day and make yourself presentable. That doesn't mean full makeup and a tight fitting outfit but just 'together ' I'm wearing leggings and a jumper today but I have jobs to do around the house and I've got a bit of makeup.

To answer the question what does looking like a mum mean? I would say he means frumpy if I'm honest.

Oliversmumsarmy
Completely agree! Both of mine were walking at 10 months and there's only 17 months between them so I haven't been able to leave them unattended since my eldest was immobile. My youngest got out of the highchair she was strapped i nto at 11 months when I left the room for a minute to put my contact lenses in and my eldest climbed in the baby's cot and got her leg stuck in the 30 seconds I went downstairs to measure out 5ml of Calpol. They also both sleep like shit so I can't even rely on showering when they sleep. My husband is often out 6am until 8pm with work so I shower around his shifts.

I'm always told I don't look like a mum though as I still only look about 17 and I wear nerdy t-shirts and shoes. My old hair must make me look studenty rather than mumsy

I believe winding up one's teenage children is really what being a mum is all about.

exactly!

Well bodies do change after having children, or hadn’t you noticed?

children are not an excuse to let yourself go. You are free to make your own choices of course, but don't use the kids as an excuse. It takes a few weeks for your belly to go back to normal, but no, the body doesn't change that much!

My first thought on reading the OP was that his remark might not have been an evaluation of how you look - he could have been referring to your behaviour with the children. But if he has some self-awareness and decency he will have realised that the comment was ambiguous and felt mortified!

Fuck this 'I'm a mum and I manage to look great' line of thought. Look great if you want to, but it's not a moral virtue.