Annoyed! Apparently I 'look like a mum'

[champagneplanet]

Okay, so I may be a bit over sensitive here so talk me down if you think it's needed.

Met an old friends partner today, don't see them as regularly as we'd like, however her and I are good friends. Was in the supermarket, trying to fit in a shop with DC2 whilst DD1 doing her hobby.

Exchanged pleasantries and then he commented 'I almost didn't recognise you, you look like a mum'. Didn't say anything at the time, but now i'm less than impressed. It's my day off, I have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket, doing a big shop with two day old hair and a jacket I hate (as I misjudged the weather and it was the only one in the car).

I definitely wasn't a compliment. AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

My skin is fine

You've had it scientifically tested then. Fab. I pat you on the back for your contribution and dedication to the advancements of science.

Ok, there may well have been some misreading of your original post.
He sounds like a twat.
Sorry, thought there was judging of 2 day hair but apparently not from re-reading your OO

ihatehashtags two day old hair is NORMAL

Being charitable, he could have been just commenting on the context and it came out wrong eg “last time I saw you we were on the dance floor at a club and now you’re wrangling kids in a supermarket!” But he’s probably just a dick

Lol at the poster who washes and straightens her hair every day. It must be like straw by now!

@SoCallMeMaybe Get a grip. Washing your hair every single night? That's ridiculous & unnecessary. Do you sweat a lot? Do you get food in your hair when you eat? All you're doing there is stripping your hair of more of it's natural oils! So I doubt your hair is looking as 'alright' as you think.... No offence.
I couldn't possibly spend 30 minutes grooming myself everyday without feeling selfish. I have enough to do looking after my child and running the house on my own as a disabled lone parent. I wash my hair every 2 days and it's always shiny and squeaky clean. I wouldn't leave the house with even a hint of greasy hair. I make sure of that as I know It's not a good look. Doesn't mean you need to wash it every sodding day though 🤷🏼‍♀️

@RedToothBrush Thank you, you're talking sense. My insecurities are just playing on my mind I think, i've not been feeling at my best recently, they obviously bother me more than I thought.

He's otherwise a nice guy so i was really surprised. My friend (his partner would be horrified if I told her.

i couldn't possibly spend 30 minutes grooming myself everyday without feeling selfish

And there we have it. The martyrdom. It doesn’t make you a better parent than me.

Was it definitely a reference to your appearance? Maybe it was just seeing you with your DC, doing the food shop, rather than with your husband for a grown up night out that surprised him ( a bit like when you see someone from work in another situation - it's the context that throws you). Most people have lots of different roles in their lives, and do behave accordingly.

Cross post with stealth banana!

Honestly why are people taking 'looks like a mum' when it's said like a slur.

Being a mum is a good thing.

Yet it's used in a derogatory and offensive manner without anyone else on flipping MN of all places saying 'err hang on a second'.

Christ sake Angelina fucking Jolly is a mum.

No one insults her for 'looking like a mum' now do they?

And there we have it. The martyrdom. It doesn’t make you a better parent than me

Washing every day doesn't make you cleaner nor better either.

SoCall I agree that showering daily is basic self-care (unless ill) but washing your hair daily is definitely not a basic requirement - it totally depends on hair type. For dry hair like mine it's a disaster (ask dermatologists or hairdressers) to have chlorine and hot water/hairdryer on it daily.They recommend every three days which I've always done - or longer depending on weather/activity. I can obviously see when it starts turning a touch greasy.

I don't need to uise hairspray for my haircut - I could only see the need of daily washing if I did use a lot of hairspray for an updo or something unusual as the spray does turn unfresh - or if I was a swimmer/runner or manual worker which made for sweat, so needed styling daily (SO boring too to style it daily!). If someone's hair is greasy due to hair/skin type or sporting activities - then I agree with you but that blanket statement is just wrong!

Red they're taking offence because it's yet ANOTHER example of women being objectified, pigeonholed and labelled.

You're either sexy and desirable or you're a Mum. Or old.

That's it! Nothing else.

OP you're right to be pissed off.

I think Mums usually have this focused look and they’re super concentrated because of multitasking. At least it’s how I look at Sainsbury’s. But the main clue — they have children with them.
Seriously it’s a very stupid comment. How he imagined you look in the supermarket?

Of course he was being rude.

I shower every day but often have two day old hair. I have a Brazilian blow dry every few weeks so it still looks great on day two and no need to waste time doing anything to it other than combing.

Ah I get it.

Angelina doesn't go to Asda or Tesco.

That's where I'm going wrong.

This is clearly a sore point with you Red. I don’t know why. I certainly don’t think I’m a better parent because I wash my hair of an evening and spend 30 mins on myself in the morning. I dont think it has any impact on my parenting. My comment was in relation to the poster who was passive aggressively telling me I’m selfish for it.

But then you already know that.

I really don’t care how often people wash their hair. I accept different hair types etc etc.

The point I was making was that there is a perception that mums are dowdy, don’t care about themselves etc. It does not have to be this way. We do not need to lose ourselves to motherhood.

I used to work with a woman who would come to work with her sons breakfast all over her top. Dried porridge up her sleeve etc. Oh lol just babies, she laughed. No. I’m sorry but there is just no excuse.

AIBU to ask what do 'mums' look like??

It was probably this that gave you away:

have an unruly toddler in a busy supermarket

No socalled.

I just think you are unmecessaryily rude yourself and perpetuating myths about cleanliness and the idea that you have to look a certain way to demonstrate to the outside world world that you 'selfcare'.

It's not true. And frankly carries more than a grain of sexism in its mindset.

It is important to me that I look presentable. Not even groomed and polished. Just presentable and clean. It’s not a high standard.

It is important to you about yourself. Then you lay all the other stuff about how everyone should match your standards. That's just judgmental.

As long as someone is dressed professionally for a particular job or don't stink so it offensive to others, why does it matter to you?

Why must we adhere to your standards not Mr Messy's standards?

Why are your standards the ones that matter?

Why not Mr Messy's standards as a base line?

Because if you adhere to Mr Messy’s standards then you can’t exactly complain when people say you look like Mr Messy. It doesn’t mean they aren’t being rude to say it but still. It’s up to you whether you care about it or not. The OP does care.

If you don’t want people to say you look like a stereotypical dowdy mum who doesn’t take care of herself, then don’t be that person.

Not sure whats up with 'looking like a mum'i love people thinking my DCs mum,im still in hoodies,trainers&bit of lycra&usually wear hair back in a big headband-standing next to myDC&think i dont look'mum' enough..just cant be arsed with all the smart clothes/hair effort&make-up unless im going out for the nightas long as you're happy in yerself tho who cares?It'd just be a 'said without thinking comment'&not meant2cause offenceOP

@SoCallMeMaybe Wait until your kid/kids get a little bit older... Won't be so easy then, I can assure you! They won't just sit 'playing with their toys'
Also, try having a Disability which makes it often impossible to stand scrubbing hair every single evening, on top of everything else I have to do to get through each day. Or having a child with severe Autism as a single parent who won't let you leave them alone for a single second. Whom wakes up at the tiniest sound, let alone a shower running! Sometimes it's a battle to just get my child dressed and out of the house, let alone myself. Yesterday, I discovered I'd left the house with tiny toothpaste splatters on my top; but I was so busy trying to pin down my child during a massive meltdown before leaving, that I hadn't noticed until it was too late.
I can't remember the last time I wore make up. It's a luxury I cannot manage. Not everyone has your life. So less of the "Theres no excuse" Let's leave it at that.

You don't need make-up to look presentable. Learn to love your face for what it is and then freedom! And you'll save a fortune.