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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
parietal · 14/05/2019 22:43

yes. money should be discussed openly & decisions made jointly.

Goldmandra · 14/05/2019 22:43

I think it's perfectly reasonable, if you're living as a couple, to consider your finances to be joint. Not sure everyone else will feel this way though.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 22:44

Of course you should!

Do you know how much he earns?

Surely you need to know the budget?

TwitterQueen1 · 14/05/2019 22:44

There is no reason for you to feel bad about it... you are a family and finances should be a joint thing. He may pay all the bills but you have an equal right to know what is being spent and where.

Sexnotgender · 14/05/2019 22:45

Perfectly reasonable that you should know. Why would he not want you to know, that’s the question you should be asking.

MaudebeGonne · 14/05/2019 22:45

Yes, you should have full knowledge of your household incomings and outgoings. I am the main breadwinner in our house and I really appreciate my husband's I put And support in managing the budget. He is much more careful with money than me, so he curbs my spending. Which I need or we would never manage to save for anything.

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2019 22:46

Utter honesty and openness are required, particularly as you’ve put a big chunk aside for a new house. Why is he reluctant to share? Something he doesn’t want you knowing?

daffodillament · 14/05/2019 22:46

This is rather controlling. Is this behaviour generally typical for him ?

Redwinestillfine · 14/05/2019 22:50

Yes! My DH is now the main earner, I do the budget which he can view at any time if he wants to.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 14/05/2019 22:51

Well, you could stop using phrases like "breadwinner," for a start. In a family, there are various roles that need covering: earning money, running the home, and caring for any children. Each one is vital and I don't recall any vow in the marriage ceremony that says that the one earning the cash takes precedence in the relationship and the "inferior" one has to ask permission like a child for pocket money. He's not your dad; you are equal partners in this relationship. If he thinks he's superior, then suggest you swap roles and see how he likes them apples!

Mummaofmytribe · 14/05/2019 22:52

Don't buy a house under these circumstances. You have every right to be fully aware of the family income and outgoings and the budget should be jointly managed. You're in a very vulnerable position with no income of your own and him controlling all the money.
If you tell him you want joint responsibility and complete transparency and he doesn't agree I'd be reconsidering everything.
Financial abuse is a real thing and an effective way of controlling someone. Don't allow that to happen to you.
Definitely don't put any of your own money into a house purchase in this situation and if he refuses to properly address this, it's a huge red flag

HennyPennyHorror · 14/05/2019 22:55

Yes. When I was a SAHM my DH told me every week what he'd earned and what was expected...he's self-employed so it varied.

Now I work too and I'm also self-employed and I tell HIM what I've got coming. We share everything accordingly.

ShastaBeast · 14/05/2019 22:55

Very odd he is keeping it secret. I run our finances but am very open. I did even as a SAHP and from before moving in together. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t open about money.

What’s to hide and why? Is he generally mistrustful?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2019 22:55

This is a massive red flag in my opinion. You're his wife. What reason could he possibly have to exclude you from knowing about your finances? Marriage is a partnership, no exceptions. It would make me feel that he has something to hide or he wants to keep you under his thumb.

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:56

I know . I’m worried .

I don’t know if he’s hiding a debt or something. But I could just be being paranoid

I feel terrible because he’s a good OH in every way.

I just don’t know the budget or the household spending and concerned that I have no handle on the saving . Particularly as in the past I was the one who methodologically saved ( when I was working ) to accumulate ‘ house money ‘.

He’s got a well paid job , I suppose as someone who once had an independent career I don’t feel good asking but we do need a bigger house soon .

I have no handle on the current budget or finances in the house , he just give he money when I ask which is great . He also pays all the bills

But I just want to know when we can move and what we will be able to afford and how much we can save .

He thinks that we don’t spend much so I shouldn’t really be worrying about a house budget ....

I also feel like a gold digger asking because I’ve never relied on anyone before , but I have saved money for this next move and I appreciate everything he does , but I just don’t know what’s happening on his end for this house move ....

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 14/05/2019 22:56

Are you married OP?

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:58

Yes I’m married

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 14/05/2019 22:59

We had utter transparency - as it should be. We were equals and made spending decisions together.

What does he say when you ask?

MadCattery · 14/05/2019 22:59

Money shouldn't be used as a control issue or as a weapon. It is a resource that you have a vested interest in and both partners should have a say. I was a SAHM for many years and did all of the budgeting because I was more of a saver than he and he felt we would be better off financially if I handled it. I trusted him and he trusted me, and we discussed the budget often.

ScreamingLadySutch · 14/05/2019 22:59

There should be full disclosure between spouses.

Please can people say 'husband' if they are married. Its actually important information!

Drogosnextwife · 14/05/2019 23:02

Of course you should know. I would be a bit concerned he was hiding something if he gets awkward when you ask.

GeoffreyEatsPancakes · 14/05/2019 23:04

Complete transparency. I am a SAHM and Dh and I have moved house in that time so I had no earnings but had worked previously and paid toward the mortgage/bills etc.

I know how much Dh earns, have access to the bank accounts, see his tax return every year. Why wouldn't I? We are a partnership.

DishingOutDone · 14/05/2019 23:05

How did this happen OP? You said you put savings away previously. Where's that money now? how long have you been at home, who owns the house, how many DCs etc? You say he's a good husband but from what little we know so far red flags are being unfurled and tacked to a pole ... Hmm

Sausagerollers · 14/05/2019 23:05

Glad you're legally protected financially.

I agree with Screaming lady, there should be complete financial openness between spouses, what possible (good) reason could he have to hide the finances from you?

specterlitt · 14/05/2019 23:07

I'm not understanding why as a married couple you cannot raise these questions with your partner? What's stopping you? The topic us standard and the questions ordinary for any committed relationship.

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