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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 15/05/2019 00:45

he puts money in an account sepeorately is still controlling

he doesnt want u to see what he earns or spends but throws u some crumbs to shut u up

mantlepiece · 15/05/2019 01:09

That is not a joint account! A joint account is where you have access to the account that earnings go into.

You have much bigger problems than deciding to buy a bigger house.

You say you have three children and for all that time any money you need has come from your savings.

Are you keeping your money separate from him as much as he is keeping his from you?

You seem to have total communication breakdown here. Where is the love and respect for each other? If it was ever there you need to get it back. Marriage is a partnership.

If you can’t live your lives in love and trust each other you should think about leaving him. He really sounds like a millstone around your neck from what you have said.

HennyPennyHorror · 15/05/2019 01:14

It is a joint account but the issue is that he is keeping HIS money separate and just doling a bit out for you into the "joint account".

Now I have no issue with couples having separate accounts BUT the fact that he won't discuss money with you at all makes me think he's thinking of leaving.

Is that something you've considered he might be thinking?

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/05/2019 01:14

yep. this is really shady, and it is controlling. you are married, you are not earning because you are taking care of the shared children, you are half of the partnership, and you should have access to the family financial information. housing choices should be a shared, rational discussion.

If he does not want to share financial info and housing choices, then of course he should put in 50% of the costs of full time care for 3 children (or part time if he reduces hours), and so can you, and you can both work.
Putting a few hundred in per month sounds like it is just to shut you up, as pp have said.

Don't let him get away with thinking you "aren't contributing anything" - and send him the rates for some local nurseries and childminders. Something like 900-1300£/month per DC I would expect.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2019 01:16

You need to read up on financial abuse.

What he does periodically to the children's toys is also abusive. Truly horrible. The toys are not even given away, just put where the children can't have them.

See if you can find details of the family finances. He will have to disclose the financial picture anyway when a solicitor tells him to do so in divorce proceedings, but it would be helpful if you knew ahead of time.

Get ready to move out and end this relationship. If you can get a job, get one. Be ready to go full time.

You are married to a mean, controlling, abusive man.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2019 01:31

At first, I thought he just didn't want a bigger house and was maybe fed up of telling you that, but when you went on to say that there are 5 of you in a 2 bed, my jaw dropped. How does he think you'll all fit in it when the kids are bigger?

I can't believe he's been letting you buy food using your savings too, that's awful.

he told me we would move when he gets the job he has at present but now he’s saying he wants to wait a few years

Has he said why?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 02:40

I think you need to ask yourself why you're married to a man who you can't even talk to about your finances. This doesn't bode well for your future. At all.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2019 03:06

Lots of intelligent, sensible women end up married to abusive men.

It's not the fault of the victim.

Forgotmycoat · 15/05/2019 03:07

I think it's time for an ultimatum. You must be very clear with him on how YOU will proceed, with or without him. Tell him either finances are joint or separate so you can buy your own property. If they are separate then you will be going back to work and he will do/pay for 50 percent of the childcare. If they are joint then you need to know how much he has saved and that you both need to house hunt in earnest. You seem scared to bring all this up, no doubt because he's controlling and secretive, but if you don't you will leave yourself vulnerable in more ways than one.

You need to find your anger op. He's deceiving you. He seems to be conspiring with his parents to move nearer to them. It's time to stop pussyfooting around him and be clear you are prepared to divorce him over this. He's already half out of the marriage anyway.

bebeboeuf · 15/05/2019 03:10

My exh was achy about money too

Turned out he had hidden debts when I finally left him

Some he was running up in my name

Your DH’s behaviour is strange and cage and would be sending so many red flags now.
Do you know how much he actually wants?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/05/2019 08:00

Stop using any of your savings.
Literally stop it.

2 beds for 5 people is insane. You need a proper discussion and a plan.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2019 08:07

He doesn’t have access to your savings, does he?

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 08:27

No he hasn’t got access to my savings .

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/05/2019 08:34

It would be a deal breaker for me OP, he’s dictating and controlling your life while you have absolutely no say. Financially I could not stand this my money and yours, and I would personally feel degraded in having to ask him for money .

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 08:43

He said that he wanted to buy a new house when he got this job ( which is a much better job).

Now he has the job he says he wants to put off buying a house as he is too busy in the job to think about houses on top of it .

And when I ask him what he’s saving it’s always less than I think he should be saving : which is why I have started asking him for a budget because I want to know what’s going on .

It may be that financially we are better off committing to buying a house now ... given house prices keep rising , and despite him having a better job he doesn’t seem to be saving what I thought he would be ...

I might be making a mountain out of a mole hill because he’s good in every other way and does contribute to household chores etc ...

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 15/05/2019 08:46

No, this is straight up weird evasive behaviour and you need to address it. If you're named on the bills he's apparently paying, you have a right to see and evaluate the accounts that the money is coming out of, to pay for them.

There's a reason he won't let you see the accounts. There's a reason he won't write a budget with you.There's a reason he won't move house. You need to find out what it is.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/05/2019 08:49

There's a reason he won't let you see the accounts. There's a reason he won't write a budget with you.There'season he won't move house. You need to find out what it is.

Exactly. This really is very troubling behaviour.

lola006 · 15/05/2019 08:49

OP, a pp ^ mentioned her ex running up debt in her name. It may be worthwhile to check your personal credit rating.

I’m a SAHM with 3 DC. We have a joint account and 2 joint credit cards. I have access to everything. We talk about purchases, especially big ones. I know exactly what is going in and going out. That’s not being a good digger, it’s just sensible.

Sounds like a shit situation for you. You need to sit down and talk to your DH and/or start considering going back to work.

Notmorewashing · 15/05/2019 08:51

Definitely plan to go back to work ASAP, pay for childcare it’s worth it. Set up right move alerts and show him houses and book viewings. It doesn’t take that much time if you are moving in the local area.

sue51 · 15/05/2019 08:53

Do you have a joint bank account?

Justbreathing · 15/05/2019 08:54

Yes he sounds abusive
The toys!!??
The money!!??
The gaslighting!!??

Justbreathing · 15/05/2019 08:55

Agree check yours and his credit rating.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2019 08:56

But more likely he’s got lots saved and doesn’t want you to know about it, because he sees it as his money
Not yours

PtarmiganBiscuit · 15/05/2019 08:57

I don’t think not having a joint account is necessarily weird. DP and I don’t as it’s second marriage for him and he’s got big outgoings for his kids.

But we discuss money and have a pretty good idea of each other’s financial position. We’ve also talked about our ideas for the future and where we want to get too. Big financial decisions are discussed.

I want to move at the moment but he’s got reservations, partly because he likes thehouse and it works for him. But also he’s quieter new in a job and wants to feel more settled and there’s some uncertainty about one of his kids and potential lon* term care.

I’ve got savings, earn well and could afford the new mortgage on my own...but we’ve talked it through and aren’t going to rush anything.

So no shared finances but lots of shared financial conversations.

candycane222 · 15/05/2019 08:59

A marriage should be a team OP, and he isn't playing is he? He is stringing you along and stonewalling you about something he knows perfectly well is very important to you (as it is to everyone) and refusing to give you an equal say. This is not teamwork! You are right to be angry IMO.