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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 14/05/2019 23:32

It's controlling that you have to 'ask' everytime you need money. You should be able to access it. If he wants to keep sep a/c fine just agree that every month £ goes to the joint & y goes to his. Maybe it's his attitude that's the problem sounds like he thinks of it all as his money not family money. You need to have it out with him.

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:33

Thanks Sansou that’s really helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:35

I’m wondering whether this mY have something to do with his parents ( he’s an only child ) who want him to live geographically closer to them ...

OP posts:
nettie434 · 14/05/2019 23:42

I am another person who (along with prawn and other posters) wonders if he has any debts that you don’t know about.

cafesociety · 14/05/2019 23:44

This sounds like my ex H who refused to let me know how much he earned. I worked and put all my money into the pot. I asked, he would be evasive and ask why I was doubting him...[because we were so short of money for the bills, had no holidays etc].

We broke up, for that and other reasons. When at court to sort out maintenance for our 2 children I nearly fainted when it came out how much he earned. It was 5 times more than he had brought home.

Your DH sounds touchy about the subject and the snappiness infers he is hiding something. I would delve further, something sounds off.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/05/2019 23:45

I am really sorry, but it is controlling. It's not his money, it's family money. You are doing a job and he is doing a job. Both are valuable to the family, even if only his is bringing in the cold hard cash at the moment.

Do you have a joint account? Where does the money you spend come from?

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:51

Until recently I was spending my own money from savings or asking him for cash bits . A few months ago I asked him to give me regular money ( after having three children like this ) as I told him my digging into my savings wasn’t sustainable plus I had decided I want to try to go back to work and needed to get my repairs fit my work tools ... which was expensive ...

So he finally got a joint account for us and he has put a few hundred pounds every month or so as I had also been paying for food shopping from my own money when I go food shopping etc

OP posts:
cafesociety · 14/05/2019 23:51

And of course it is controlling. Controlling you, your future and your hopes and plans, depriving you and your children of a better future, of building a new family home and different outlook on life. Depriving you all of opportunity and choices.

I have no idea what my ex H was stashing money away for but I know he thinks money/cars/things/stuff is what matters in life...he has remarried someone else who is money mad too. The irony.

jessicawessica · 14/05/2019 23:59

I didn't realise how financially controlling my EXDH was until I actually had to go to my parents to ask for food to feed my DC's.
They gave me bags of food. When I returned back to Dh's he saw the bags and said "Great, what's for dinner?"
You are looking to be on the same pathway.

JustAnotherSod · 14/05/2019 23:59

I wonder if its not really about money at all but about housing - he seems to have been saying loudly for years that he doesn't want a 'big' house and is content where he is, whereas you seem to aspire to a grander type of property. Neither is wrong, but when partners have different approaches to a big thing like housing that can cause dispute, why should your desire for a move outweigh his caution? I think you need to try and get to the bottom of that before you can resolve anything.

NoSquirrels · 15/05/2019 00:08

Argh!

Yikes. You’ve been using your own savings to pay for three children and all the associated costs OLUS food shopping?

Surely not, OP. Why would you think that was right, or OK?

I’m struggling to understand it.

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:13

Our house is really small we have two bed rooms and three young children . The second bedroom would only fit a double bed and one cupboard ( in terms of size )

He talks about being able to have a dining table so we can sit to eat with our children but we don’t have the space to have a dining table , just a breakfast bar .

If he knows that and he knows he can afford a bigger house why won’t he f buy one so he can eat at the dining table like a normal family and insist on living cramped like this ...

He organises this stupid ‘ culls’ where he takes the kids toys and puts them in the loft because there’s too many toys ( no they don’t have a lot of toys just too many in his opinion ) .my kids have their bloody kids taken away it makes me so angry

I don’t understand why a man would do that If he can walk out and get a bigger house ...

I’ve showed him amazing four bed room houses with good prices ( not overly grand ) and he shakes his head and makes excuses

I’m at the end of my tether , he told me we would move when he gets the job he has at present but now he’s saying he wants to wait a few years .

So I showed him medium sized houses too ( but still bigger houses ) that are much more affordable ... then He says their sizes are not right ...

The only thing I can think of is that his mum doesn’t want him to buy a house in our area and wants us to move close le to her ( which she makes no secret of )

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:15

No squirrels , not all associated costs just whenever I’m out doing it I paid my own way ... I have had a lot of savings ... though what good they have done me I don’t know ....

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 15/05/2019 00:15

I think his caginess is about housing too. The subtext to your money conversations are all about him not wanting to move. Try to find out why. Have that conversation calmly and honestly to see if you can achieve a compromise there first.
Then have a separate conversation about the money.

I used to be a SAHM and I hated asking for extra money. Going back to work has been the best.

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:16

I think I will go back to work , I think I’m also going to ask him to reduce his working hours so we can share childcare 50 50 .

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:17

Then if he doesn’t buy a house I’m gonna buy my own and live in it by my bloody self .

Money in a bank account isn’t going to make life better .

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 15/05/2019 00:18

Sorry x-post.
Sounds so annoying and so frustrating for you and you sound pretty powerless.

ArcheryAnnie · 15/05/2019 00:18

So, to recap: you are married, with three kids, and he will not allow you to see his bank account, even though you gave up your money-earning capacity in order to look after the family you have together. He gets angry when you talk about money, and he blocks any decisions you suggest.

He is being a shit husband. He is being a shit father. He is being financially controlling. I'm really sorry, that's red flags all the way down.

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:20

So what shall I do ?

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 15/05/2019 00:20

I think I will go back to work , I think I’m also going to ask him to reduce his working hours so we can share childcare 50 50

Excellent idea. If he refuses, then fine, he can arrange and pay for a childminder to cover his half of the time. If he won't treat your relationship like a partnership, then no reason why you should, either.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 15/05/2019 00:21

Start your plans for going back to work.

ArcheryAnnie · 15/05/2019 00:22

Honestly, I think protecting yourself and your future with the kids is the way to go. Make sure any money that you've spent on the house is documented (I presume both your names are already on the deeds) and I think going back to work is an excellent idea. Put the money in your account, not the joint account.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 15/05/2019 00:23

Have you asked about getting a joint account set up... sorry if it is mentioned up thread. What would be the reaction?

Original poster
Flippedout · 15/05/2019 00:25

For a while he didn’t want a joint account but he has recently set one up and puts a few hundred in a months for shopping money which I can use

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/05/2019 00:32

His behaviour is not only controlling but suspicious as hell.

He really doesn't want you to know what he actually earns or where his money is going. Major red flags.

Funny how a lot of men seem fine until kids come along then get resentful of having to pay for them and think their money is solely theirs because the wife isn't working so why should she have any. Pathetic.

Keep those savings away from him.

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