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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 15/05/2019 09:49

This is incredibly concerning, I thought the man goes out to work and controls all the finances and gives his wife 'housekeeping' days were over. What if something were to happen to him? It would make things much easier on you if you knew everything. He may go out to work but being a SAHM is work and you have contributed a large amount financially anyway.

Stand your ground and tell him you should be included in the running of the household budget. If he refuses then Google financial control/abuse as there are people who can give you advice.

ControversialFerret · 15/05/2019 09:57

My guess is he is hiding something. And that by making excuses and getting snappy every time you raise the subject, he's hoping that you'll eventually get fed up and drop it altogether.

The outright refusal to talk about budgets and income is a huge red flag. He's diverting your attention and accusing you of being controlling because he doesn't want you to find out about something. Very common with men who are gambling or who are having affairs...

Ninkaninus · 15/05/2019 10:18

Yes, of course you should. Unless he thinks you’re not an equal in the relationship?

Orangecake123 · 15/05/2019 10:19

Ofc you should also know.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/05/2019 10:30

Yes you should know the family finances. Income, outgoings and savings. How else are you going to budget and plan and save? You should do that together. It's nice for each of you to have a personal amount each that you don't have to account for (apart from both of you agreeing how much it is), but for everything else of course you should both know.

You're a SAHM not a child.

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget

I would be very worried too. Either he's hiding something or he doesn't trust you or he's controlling.

He’s just really evasive and snappy

He's hiding something. My first thought is gambling. Someone else said debt. But it could be a lot of things.

A few months ago I asked him to give me regular money ( after having three children like this ) as I told him my digging into my savings wasn’t sustainable

So what has he been doing with all his earnings, if he's been forcing you to dig into your savings for household expenses when he earns plenty? This is looking like financial abuse.

"he just give he money when I ask which is great"

You are not the controlling one. You should both know the family's financial situation, because you are jointly responsible for it. Controlling is him hiding from you the part of the family money
that he is responsible for, and doling just a little bit of it out when you ask.

So having read to the end of the thread, looks like he is controlling and has something to hide.

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 15/05/2019 10:31

I have no interest in financial matters. DH does it all. He shows me what we have and it is split between us although I have a greater share.

If you are not being involved and are not aware of what is going on and he will not tell you it does not sound right.

The most important thing is to be on the same financial wavelength, budget, save and invest. Live within your means and fuck everyone else and the crappy tv programmes. Our kitchen is 30 years old but still looks ok. We invested the three replacement kitchen money we didn’t spend.

If you are financially savvy and a SAHM take over the accounts. Get an emergency fund, pay down the debt and invest an amount every month.

I suspect your finances are either in a mess or he has already started stashing money away for himself. I hope it’s better than that.

sansou · 15/05/2019 10:38

Joint financial goals - discuss how you attain them. Scrutinise your incomings and expenditure together. If he cba, the logical step is that well, it's good/sensible that one of you is bothered (YOU!) so you might as well start by taking over the management of the family finances - all of it!

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2019 10:46

That isnt joint finances! That is you spending your savings while he throws you peanuts!

Definitely go back to work and make him share childcare. ‘You won’t tlak to me about savings, I want a bigger house whether you’re coming along or not so I need a job, you will be responsible for x childcare’ And while you have savings, they are still marital property so he could screw you over if hes hiding debts so hopefully that’s not it.

EKGEMS · 15/05/2019 11:58

These responses must be a shock to your system OP, but hopefully the rose colored glasses have fallen off and you can now see your situation for what it is-tenuous at best. Your partner is evasive and anything but transparent. I think you know what you've got to do. Good luck. Thanks

SignedUpJust4This · 15/05/2019 12:02

I feel so sad for you OP. He has such little respect for you and sees you as less than him. Could he have a secret spending habit? Is he hiding his phone, going places you don't know, online gambling?

Nofilter · 15/05/2019 12:11

OP,

I hope you see from these posts how unbalanced this setup is. It makes me livid. You have given 100% to the family, your career - everything. He's chucking a few hundred quid in an account and holding all his cards close to his chest.

Not a good sign OP and he needs a really frank talking to.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/05/2019 12:44

I was a SAHM for many years. Not even married. Every account we had was joint and to be honest, DP would have been hard pushed to know the passwords to access them. I managed all our money (still do) and big decisions are fully discussed and made jointly.

I think this set up is normal and healthy. I get that some people prefer separate accounts, and I’m sure that can work too. But with any system there needs to be transparency and sharing of the child related costs, financial and otherwise.

BackToDecember · 15/05/2019 13:09

The more I read, the more this sounds like financial abuse. As a SAHM you shouldn't have had to use your savings for a house to buy groceries nor have to ask for a joint account and for him to contribute financially to the expenses. Angry

BlackPrism · 15/05/2019 13:35

Yes. If you're a SAHM then all money is family money it should be discussed openly and shared equally.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2019 14:02

It sounds like he's in debt and he doesn't want to tell you

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 15/05/2019 14:26

SAHM is a derogatory term.

WFTM work full time mum is more like it. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. It’s like a go to work job but without holidays and weekends off.

There is a term for what the OP is going through and it’s called financial abuse.

ceirrno · 15/05/2019 14:37

There is a possibility that it isn't abuse but that he's hiding something that he's ashamed of

Walkaround · 15/05/2019 15:39

There are no good reasons whatsoever for hiding your financial affairs from your spouse - it always spells bad news. Possible reasons for doing so: being generally abusive and controlling; wanting to hide the fact you are spending money on prostitutes, affairs, gambling, drugs or massive secret debts; wanting to hide that you are buying a property for yourself or saving up because you are planning to leave your partner; wanting to risk or spend all your savings on something less dodgy than the aforementioned but which you know your spouse will strongly disagree with if he/she finds out in time to stop you; wanting to stop your spouse spending money on something you do not want to do but know you are being unreasonable about; or not trusting your spouse because you know they have a genuinely serious problem and you want to protect the whole family.

SignedUpJust4This · 15/05/2019 16:03

^yes

Also wanting you to feel powerless and forever in their debt so you can never leave

mathanxiety · 15/05/2019 16:52

Flippedout you are not making a mountain out of a molehill.

And a man who literally takes his children's toys away from them is not good enough in other ways to make up for what he is doing to you and his own children, no matter how much housework he 'contributes' to.

Him paying the bills without you knowing what those bills are is a form of control. He has arranged it so that you, a grown adult, have ended up with no record of being a bill payer, of being on time with electricity payments, council tax, etc, if only his name is on all those accounts. You start off if you move out with no financial paper trail.

I don't think he has necessarily a gambling problem, or a second family somewhere. Control is a powerful motivation for some financial abusers, and this motivation ties in with the treatment of the children - he decides what they will play with and for how long; this is control too. Sometimes abusers do this just because they enjoy wielding power.

The fact that you feel nervous about approaching him shouts 'get out'.

If you can lay your hands on a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", it is well worth a read.

I think you need to stop thinking in terms of 'we' here, and start looking at houses where you and the children could be comfortable. You can get someone in to give you an estimate for the house you are squeezed into right now while H is off at work, just so you will know where you stand.

Missingstreetlife · 15/05/2019 17:09

So all money in his name, he can clear it out, hide it, spend it and leave u with nothing. I don't be more conceded he's got a fund somewhere he doesn't want you to get hold of

captainblonde · 15/05/2019 18:13

he is hiding something. can you do some gentle digging first?

choli · 15/05/2019 20:55

TBH, I think it's really strange to make the decision to SAHM without drawing up a budget, discussing finance, and arranging access to the family money.

PamelaDooveOrangeJoof · 15/05/2019 21:04

Sorry OP but to me it sounds like he’s spending a lot more money that you realise and saving very little or none at all or in debt.
I would think his evasiveness and excuses re buying a house is because he doesn’t want to admit that there is no money or he is in debt.
I think more digging is needed and definitely get yourself a job.
Is he a gambler?

PamelaDooveOrangeJoof · 15/05/2019 21:06

Ps I used to work with a guy who used to carry a little briefcase around with him with all his secret bank account details in/gambling account details and whenever he got a bonus or a pay rise he lied about what he got and kept the majority for himself.
He was married with two kids. I always prey she managed to crack into briefcase one day!!

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