I feel really shit posting this but here goes

[Flippedout]

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

Oh god op how have you let him do this to you? Yes to back to work. Yes to getting him to participate in childcare and fuck yes to an ultimatum over finances.

He really doesn’t sound lovely at all

If you already have savings then discussing a timescale means you can lock some away in a higher interest account.

I was wondering the same. I’m a sahm, my husband works but I have no access. No idea what we pay out or in. He doesn’t transfer me any money, the only way I can pay for stuff is through Apple Pay (linked to his account).

He says I’m useless with money so he doesn’t trust me.

I feel silly now reading all these...

I put all my savings into our house (joint mortgage).

So literally have nothing.

This sounds really concerning.

Surely you know how much he earns? and how much your current mortgage is?

If he won't give you this basic info then he has something serious to hide.

Jellybeans that's really bad. Does he have reason to be concerned about your money management at all? Even if so, you can work on this. You should have access to an overview of accounts and be able to spend from a joint account.
You have to discuss it.

Sorry jellybeans

I’ve been there too.

I got out and amazingly I was excellent at money management.

I had to build myself up from nothing though

In your DH defence I don't think he is controlling or the MN favourite label of "financially abusive" - you should have spoken to him years ago when you gave up work about him transferring money into an account for you and how it would work

Maybe he doesn't want to move because he knows you can't afford it and is embarrassed to discuss it with you and doesn't want you to feel pressure/bad/stress

You will never know the pressure of being the main earner being responsible for paying all the bills unless you're doing it yourself. I'm the main earner - my DH doesn't know the exact figure of what I earn or how much things cost like mortgage etc - his money goes into a joint account out of which all the bills go and he is transferred a balance for his own day to day spending - my DH couldn't manage a piggy bank by the way.
If he was interested and asks of course I'd tell him and I have to remind him of the cost of a few things from time to time when he talks about us booking a big holiday.

I would ask him straight out what his objections to moving are

This ia very concerning.

1. try to run a credit check on him and also one on yourself
2. he needs to tell you how much he earns and show you bank acc statements. You need to know how much is going in and out and you need to see proof bc either he's stashing money away or running huge debts
3. start sending your CV out THIS WEEK!
4. stop spending your savings on food shopping

@nosquirrels - nope. When we met I worked part time and always paid half of the bills and mortgage- which didn’t leave me with much left whilst he worked full time and managed to have savings etc - I now realise how wrong this was.

@bebeboeuf how did you do it?

In that case jellybeans he's a shit.

For me it would be a marriage-ending issue if my DH refused to share finances transparently with me.

@jellybeans

I tried to leave countless times and he was quite difficult about it

Once I’d gathered the strength I just waited for him to leave work one morning, out what I could fit into my car and drove to my parents and never went back

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted your scathing reference to financial abuse is something to behold.

Do you not discuss your income with your DH because you are too embarrassed about it?

How does a marital relationship work when one party is treated like a 7 year old child?

@mathanxiety
I'm not embarrassed by what I earn - actually rather proud of it as I've worked really hard.

Our marital relationship was works fine - if DH didn't want to be treated financially like a 7 year old then perhaps he should be much more careful with money and finances and be more responsible and grown up about managing money - I've lost count of the number of threatened CCJs. Because he's forgotten to pay a bill or not organised a direct debit to go out just after pay day rather than end of the month when no one has any money in the bank and ends up defaulting. Also the number of credit cards I've had to help out with - so all direct debits go out the joint account. He's fine with it and I can sleep at night that the house isn't going to get repossessed

OP needs to take more responsibility for her situation - presumably been STAHM for several years and should have agreed all this a long time ago when she gave up work rather than wait until she resents it and the man hating MN brigade are telling her to leave him because he's such a horrible person apparently.
The chap is going out to work and paying all the bills - maybe he's stressed and worried about finances every month - maybe OP going on at him about doubling the size of their house, mortgage liabilities and debt is making him shutdown and not want to talk about it - perfectly reasonable explanation without something sinister going on

Your attitude and arrangement would get you flamed if you were a man, and rightly so, itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted.

Are you really able to treat your DH as an adult in ways other than financial? You mention conversations you have had on the topic of holidays where the tone seems to have been rather 'smack down' on your part. Can you really compartmentalise so effectively? Can your DH?

Have you and your DH ever sat down and talked about how your approach makes him feel?

Do you think it is reasonable for a grown adult to refuse to talk about feelings as the OP's husband may have, in your view?

Do you honestly think it is reasonable for an embarrassed or anxious person to treat a spouse like the hired help, or like a child? Wouldn't seeking help to get over the anxiety or the embarrassment be preferable?

You seem to think it is perfectly reasonable for the OP's H to effectively tell her to shutup instead of manning up, discussing finances adult to adult, and treating her as an equal.

And btw, there is no suggestion at all that the OP here has ever been irresponsible with money.

@mathanxiety yes fully aware that the MN brigade would be up in arms about our set up if I were a man which is why I get cross about the inferences about OP's DH being a financial abuser - and no I don't "smack" DH down about money - we have an adult conversation about how much is left at the end of the month after the bills are paid for the fun stuff like holidays and yes sometimes he does need reminding that money doesn't grow on trees and that the washing machine needs replacing so we can't go out and buy something frivolous .
My DH would live a Gucci lifestyle on a Primark wage given half the chance - not my fault he has no concept of the value of money god knows I've given him plenty of chances and tried showing him and he's always got completely messed up and in debt or trouble so Sorry not going to risk our home by letting him loose in the joint account!
And has for how DH feels about my managing our finances - how about how I feel having to bail him out of another financial mess - about the holidays we can't go on because he's frittered money away without saving? I'd love not to have some financial responsibility I really would as the pressure can be crippling but at the same time I'm not prepared to risk legal action or losing our home because of DHs terrible money management!

That's why I'd be prepared to give OPs DH the benefit of the doubt as I can understand the pressure of being a main earner and the pressure when your other half comes to you saying that they want to spend x on something and you know deep down you can't afford it and you know they've got their heart set on it and your going to have to disappoint them

Itwaslovelydream you are projecting.

You have had to take control because your husband cannot and would not step up and you still discuss things with him. You still have a relationship in the other areas of your life not based on control and evasion.

Financial abuse is about lying and about control? Mumsnet is not a man hating brigade and its sad that you cant see the difference in your situation. Your situation is akin to the wife of a gambler who takes control or a man who takes control of the finances as his wife has admitted to a spending problem or to some spouses of those with bipolar who overspend when ill. That is okay as it's a loving arrangement done with the benefit and agreement of the other half.

If the ops husband had discussed saving and spending and that's what she wants and did not suppress and control her with money then you would have a point.

But you don't have a point here? You only want to make a point about what you are projecting.

Yes it can be stressful for some to shoulder all the wage earning but for some they enjoy this role and they choose it. The op was in this role previously and she did not shut her husband out of the conversation and lie and be evasive to him. That's what you are advocating if you cannot see the difference in this situation.

Please read up and educate yourself about financial abuse as otherwise you are just a twat .

If he was interested and asks of course I'd tell him

The OP is interested and she has asked and instead of telling her the facts he has been evasive and angry. That's what makes him controlling and potentially abusive.

I'm not prepared to risk legal action or losing our home because of DHs terrible money management!

The OP is financially competent, she has put a large sum of money aside for the house move. She does not need reminding that money does not grow on trees. That makes her nothing like your DH. The unanswered question is what has her DH been doing with his money?

Please do not sink all of your money into a new house with this man. Go back to work and do not rely on him. He is financially controlling you and it probably happened so naturally you didn't even notice!

You do need to push this point with him and also be prepared for the fallout. He won't like to be confronted by someone he considers lesser.

...fully aware that the MN brigade would be up in arms...

Did you mean to try to sound so superior?

Please read up and educate yourself about financial abuse as otherwise you are just a twat.
This ^^, with bells on.

...........

• sometimes he does need reminding that money doesn't grow on trees...
  That is in no way a smack down...

• And has for how DH feels about my managing our finances - how about how I feel having to bail him out of another financial mess - about the holidays we can't go on because he's frittered money away without saving?

So no actual conversation has taken place then, and you do not know how your DH feels about being spoken to like a child. Nor do you seem to really care about his feelings; that is not your priority here.

As previously mentioned you need to look up financial abuse. My exh was like this and it is why I got divorced.
I was also a Sahm, 3 small children had to ask for eveything, until I threatened divorce I then got a regular weekly allowance. My exh was a high earner and hid all savings, shares and insurance from me.
Since my divorce the law has changed and it is now illegal to not be completely open regards finances in a marriage.
I was married to a chartered accountant who seem to be very controlling money wise in general. Once they make partner they get worse.
If your husband works in finance it's all they talk about, hiding money so the wife can't spend it.
Anyway it is considered financial abuse, it is against the law and now considered grounds for divorce.

Hi all

Just been reading some of these comments

Just to be clear .

I had a successful career before SAHM. I accumualted rather large savings and a pile continue to be a significant contributor to future house purchase(s), so no I am
Not dumping my desires on my oH

. And no i don’t appreciate the comments from the lady who thinks I’m trying to double my mortgage etc and dumping all the Work on how to achieve it on my husband .

On the contrary I will be equally contributing financially to the next house move with my savings despite having been a SAHM.

I am quite qualified and have worked very hard taking on multiple jobs. when I needed to allow me to have some time at this stage to bring my very young children up and have the time to do so

It would make me extremely insecure if I would have no idea of the family earnings and outgoings. Like quicksand insecure. You have been paying for all food from your savings up to a few months ago? While having given up your own career to be a SAHP? You have brought in a lot more than he has in that case. Him casually depositing a few hundred quid now in a joint account is not good enough at all. At all. Not discussing it with you and then trotting out the old chestnut that you asking is being controlling? No, he is being controlling. And you are rightfully not feeling secure. The house is actually not even that relevant in this scenario.

He thinks that we don’t spend much so I shouldn’t really be worrying about a house budget
The issue isn't so much about what you're spending/saving, more that you as an equal partner in this partnership need to also have access to joint/family information and finances.

There's no reason for him not to be open about his info unless he's an abusive prick.

what if he dropped dead tomorrow? Does he think that's the only 'time' you have the right to access that info?