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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
PamelaX · 15/05/2019 09:02

that's ridiculous.

All financial documents should be kept in one place and accessible to both basically. Even if you have to fight banks to get paper copies of everything, at least printed yearly statements are the very minimum.

If anything happens to him or you, the other should be able to take over immediately and know where everything else.

It's not on to keep you in the dark at all, you are supposed to be in an equal partnership.

captainblonde · 15/05/2019 09:05

do you actually know what he earns?

this is all very worrying. I would try to get back into work if that is doable with childcare. either force him to go part time of possible otherwise share the childcare according to income (if he earns more, he pays a greater share) even if it is a financial hit but my priority would be to become financially as independent as possible.

1Wildheartsease · 15/05/2019 09:06

If you are staying at home with the children enabling him to earn (having given up your opportunity to earn outside the home), then what he earns belongs to you both.

It is not his money to dole out to you as he chooses.
It belongs to you both.

Halloumimuffin · 15/05/2019 09:07

A friend of mine's DH refused to let her know their financial information in the exact same way - he turned out to have 50 grand worth of debt. Be careful.

sahbear · 15/05/2019 09:12

Having your own money, whether savings or income, makes me feel confident in financial decision making.
You have large savings, but you need to make sure they are not dribbling away on every day expenses.
Your DH sounds like he doesn't communicate well. Does he want to move near his Mum? Is it an option for you if you were moving to a bigger house?

Inertia · 15/05/2019 09:14

His behaviour isn't normal. You're married- however finances are set up, they should at least be transparent to both of you. There is absolutely no good reason why you shouldn't be working on joint household budgeting together- his evasiveness is very odd.

I think you'd be wise to go back to work.

crosspelican · 15/05/2019 09:15

Is there something going on with his Mum? That his grand plan is for you all to move in with her?

And yes - get back to work pronto.

Missingstreetlife · 15/05/2019 09:17

Income into own accounts. Contribution to household expenses, bills into joint account. Joint savings account. Personal spending and savings in own accounts.

SlowDown76mph · 15/05/2019 09:18

Are you able to do some discrete fact-finding for yourself..?

lifetothefull · 15/05/2019 09:20

Perhaps he is hiding something. Maybe because he feels ashamed to admit it to you. Say to him that you would rather know about any problem so that you can be part of the solution. Tell him it can't be worse than what you are imagining anyway. Then be ready to accept what he tells you without freaking out. (unless it's about 5 other wives he has - then you can freak out)

EggAndButter · 15/05/2019 09:20

Well for a start. As you will be the one who is doing most of the spending (by default. I’m thinking food, children clothes, activities etc etc. Not the ‘spending on myself’ stuff) you really to know what is the budget and the amount of money available so you can plan and know what you can and can’t afford to buy.

Dipping in your savings for day to day stuff is stupid and I’m happy that you have stopped doing that.

For the rest, I agree with PP. you should have common goals and an aim on what to save and what for.

But the more you post, the more it becomes clear this is not the issue. The issue is your DH reaction to telling you how much money he spends or save.
Like he has something to hide or wants to be in full control because it’s ‘his’ money, not yours etc...

Youngandfree · 15/05/2019 09:21

When I was a sahm I never asked how much we had coming in exactly (I knew ballpark, and I knew our savings and where they were, I also knew we had no debts,I could’ve checked bank statements etc but I wasn’t bothered. Money wasn’t an issue as such so I didn’t need to budget, is this the case OP? Or are you only given a certain amount, does he say things like “we can’t afford that? Or why did you spend so much on ‘insert item’? Why do you not have access to savings accounts?

justarandomtricycle · 15/05/2019 09:21

I agree it should be a team.

Is it possible your very strongly desired upgrade to a better house is something he cannot manage, or really doesn't want to do, and he is avoiding a conversation he sees as potentially catastrophic?

EggAndButter · 15/05/2019 09:22

As for ‘let’s open a joint account where I will put pocket money for you’

That was a nice way to placate you and give you this false feeling that now finances were indeed joint.

ShanghaiDiva · 15/05/2019 09:27

Marriage is a partnership and each party should have access to both money and financial information. My dh and I share all info and resources - how else can you plan for your family's future when you have no idea how much you have, what your savings target is, what kind of house you can afford etc.
I think his behaviour is very odd and would expect to have a reasonable adult discussion about finances, not be treated like a child.

HildaSnibbs · 15/05/2019 09:28

OP this sounds awful. I'm a SAHM, DH's salary is paid directly into a joint account, I know exactly what he earns, we agree how much to save, we pay into pensions for both of us. Any less transparency than that would be unacceptable. Neither of us have ever seen it as HIS money, it's absolutely ours, we both work hard and the income is for us both.

I suggest you plan to sit down for a calm 'meeting' with him to discuss things and write down what you need to know:
What's his salary
He needs to start paying it into the joint account / make his current account into a joint one
How much savings do you have /save each month
How much debt and what repayments
What are your future plans re house move
If house move is the plan, agree budget, area, etc

If he can't sit down and give sensible answers and discuss that calmly with you and agree a plan, then there is a serious problem...

FermatsTheorem · 15/05/2019 09:37

For a while he didn’t want a joint account but he has recently set one up and puts a few hundred in a months for shopping money which I can use

You are joking right? Up till now you've been dipping into your savings to pay for the family, and now he's bunging you a few hundred? That won't even cover food bills for a family of 5 never mind kid's clothes, days out, all the stuff you need not to feel like you're unpaid domestic slave labour.

This man is seriously controlling - financial control is a recognised form of domestic abuse, and that's what you're suffering here.

BlueberryFool123 · 15/05/2019 09:37

I am the “breadwinner” (hate that word) in our house. We sit down every month and do a household budget. What I earn is our money and his is the same My earning capacity compared to my husband’s is totally irrelevant on how we spend our money. We agree jointly.

Problems over Money is one of the big 4 courses of divorce.

I would be seriously concerned he has wracked up debt and you have no savings. Sit him down tonight and ask for total transparency

SignedUpJust4This · 15/05/2019 09:38

This is disgusting OP. You are not his staff. You have put your life on hold to raise his children. Don't act like he's doing you a massive favour. Please see above advice about financial abuse.

FermatsTheorem · 15/05/2019 09:38

Also - as a form of domestic abuse, it's working exactly as he intends it to - you're second-guessing yourself, losing all confidence, feeling utterly downtrodden, convinced that you're the unreasonable one. He's really done a number on you.

StormTreader · 15/05/2019 09:39

"he just give he money when I ask which is great"

Every time I read this on a thread, I wince. Asking for permission to have a little of the family money on a case-by-case basis is so far off "equal partnership" it's crazy, and every time it comes up it always seems that further controlling and deceptive behaviour is unveiled bit by bit.

PoppyFleur · 15/05/2019 09:45

Shared financial goals is vital. You both need a common understanding of the vision for your family and agree what you want to achieve and by when.

Raising a family in a 2 bedroom house is not the issue as many families manage, the issue is his reneging on timelines and the lack of transparency.

Was the parenting and financial arrangements for a family of 3 children discussed before having them? Was it presumed you would become a SAHM? Did you discuss when you would return to work and what, if any, contributions would be made to your pension whilst you took a career break?

I would address the lack of financial clarity calmly with your DH but emphasise that the current set up can no longer continue. You need to understand incomings and outgoings or family money needs to be spent on childcare in order for you to work.

Starbonnet123 · 15/05/2019 09:47

I agree with Ohdeargod my marriage started like this with me asking for money like a child as i was a stay at home mum getting tutts in response and never knowing how much anything was or how much we had , he made the excuse that i wasn't any good with money so he had to look after it all. We aren't together anymore ! If he had realised i was equal and we were a partnership maybe we would still be together .
You are an adult and a mother snd an equal partner , he must treat you as such

LemonBreeland · 15/05/2019 09:47

Do you not see that it is wrong that you had been buying all of the food for a long time with your savings? What kind of man would let that happen in the first place. You should never have had to ask for money. And you should have a joint account that is the one his wages are paid into and you both can spend freely from it.

sar302 · 15/05/2019 09:47

For reference: SAHM, high earning partner.

I manage all our money. We both have ISAs, and individual accounts to spend on whatever we want (equal amounts). We have a joint spending account for all family needs, and a bills account which his salary gets paid into (the bulk stays in this for bills, rent, etc) and I then divide the money into the rest of the accounts on pay day.

In a partnership, you should have full transparency regarding money. And as a SAHM, you should have full access to it. This "pocket money" "treat money" or "spends money" is ridiculous. He's your husband, not your dad.

If he's being shifty about money, there is a problem. If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, it's an even bigger problem. It is financial control, which is a form of domestic abuse. Without full disclosure and his support in getting you back into work (ie making sure childcare is funded and not leaving it all to you), I'd be done I'm afraid.